2 years later...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
2 years later...
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 8:37am

Just when you think you are smooth sailing.....you get a massive smack in the face. I know it sounds dramatic, but really???  I have changed my entire life because I made the huge mistake of having an affair, went through hell, counseling, divorce, then rebuilding with my DH.  I get an email Monday from XAP. How he got this email I will never know. He actually tells me about the 2 women he see's now, one with the husband present, the other who flies 5 states every 2 months to see him. Says sex with neither of them is like it was with us, actually says it will never be like that with anyone else again. Doesn't ask a darn personal thing about me although he knows from his sister who lives in the town I do that my father (who I was extremely close to) died,  or that I have battled cancer and won. An then.....how much fun we would have going to this couple's town with the wife he screws and have the 4 of us play. That they would love to meet me. Agh!!!!!!!!!

i know.....never should have read the email, didn't know it was him but figured it out quickly and should have stopped!!  I am so upset and really shouldn't be. I knew I was a sex object to him. Yet I am a mess. DH is wondering what's wrong. Should I tell him? I have worked so hard earring his trust back, will he think I instigated this somehow? 

Any thoughs would be great. And does it ever end? Will I ever live a life free of worrying about him contacting me, and why why would he do that!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 11-06-2013 - 11:42am

First, YES, you should show it to your husband immediately.  Then you should change your email address!  If you want your husband to trust you........then you have to be honest with him.  True, you shouldn't have read it, but you did, and no harm done.  But if you try to hide it, then you know things like this always come out.....and that will not be good. 

 How do you know that any of the stuff he told you is true?  I'd be thinking that he couldn't find anyone to screw around with, so he's testing the waters to see if you're still available.  Think about the fact that men who have affairs with married women have their own problems.  If they didn't, they would find and be happy with a woman of their own.  Be strong and do the right thing.....you know that's the best way to deal with it and with him.  Maybe even have your husband reply to him and tell him to bug off or you'll get a restraining order.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 11:29pm

 There is a simple way it to have any email from him go to spam. or just block his header.  Most email's have that ability.  As far as showing it to H that's your call.   I really serves little purpose. 


Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 2:05pm

Be as strong as you can, stop acting strange, and ignore it.  Why on earth should you let this selfish creep influence your life for one single second?  This is YOUR life.  He doesn't have anything to do with it.  And do NOT show this to your H.  If you have decided to and put in the effort to rebuild your marriage, don't let this sleazeball undermine your work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 5:01pm

Absolutely tell your H. That is how you build trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2011
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 6:20pm
Daisy, almost the first thing I did when I ended my A (because of discovery) was to block the 2 e-mails my AP had that I knew from my e-mail. It's not hard, and that's what you should do right now, block this new e-mail from yours. As to whether to tell your H or not, I know the right and proper response is to say yes, tell him. But I also know if it were my H, who has been his jovial and loving self again (after almost 3 years), it would bring back the agony and the nightmares for him; and why the h**l should that guy have the chance to hurt your husband again? To me, I would block, ignore and forget. I doubt he will go to the bother of contacting you with yet another e-mail, although he might try again with this one. Block it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Wed, 11-13-2013 - 6:39am

I have changed my email 10 times or more in the last 2 years. I have had 4 new phone numbers. I have a long history on "after the affair" which saved my life at times when D day happened. Kim and some of the people who have been on here along time know everything I have done, including my DH talking to him and his wife. You can do all these things, and still they can fish and find information. He is in that business anyway. I was just very frustrated that day because I thought we had finally lost him for good. 

Where is everyone who used to be on this board? It was so busy and supportive and it is really slow now. Kim, if your out there, I hope your doing well! 


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 12:08pm
How in the world did he find out what your email was? Did someone tell him or did he stalk you down?
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 11-25-2013 - 4:54pm

Daisy, Kim is still around.  iVillage has had a tough time with its platform conversion, so we lost several posters and don't seem to be getting a lot of new traffic. 


Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 01-22-2014 - 12:57pm

Daisy love!

I sent you a pm, just to touch base.