4 days NC and I am just so sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
4 days NC and I am just so sad
1
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 10:41am

Told DH about A almost three weeks ago, and it seems as if he wants to work things out. I talked to xap once right after I told DH and then twice after that with some texts here and there. I really was having a hard time talking to him at all because of the fact that I knew the friendship that we had and had fought for so long (10 years) to keep was going to be gone.  I finally talked to him last week and honestly told him that I wasn't sure about my future with DH , but that I definitely didn't see a future for us. These last few months he's been pressuring me to leave my DH. I really didn't want to leave DH but I thought that I had already screwed things up so badly by having this A that my marriage would be over anyway.and I felt guilty about leaving Xap after all we've been through.  Something just kept telling me that Xap and I wouldn't have any future, he said he was all in but I doubted a lot of things he said. when he told me seven years ago that he was leaving his W he never did , I finally gave up ( or so I thought) and I met my DH we got married three years ago and then all of a sudden Xap is back in the picture because he and his W are divorcing - he never left her for me , he was finally leaving her because she had screwed up their finances. He wanted  me to leave my H , my home, my job & family to move 1000 miles  to be with him. I know I could never have been the person he expected me to be we come from totally different worlds and I know after a time he would have realized that he didn't trade up he would have been actually settling for less than he truly wanted. Lots of things had been telling me since we restarted this A that this was not what I wanted either. Out of fear for losing our friendship I couldn't tell him until now.

After I told him that I didn't see a future for us together ( and it was a short conversation because he had to take another call) He sent ma a text telling me that he could no longer continue to have any type of a friendship with me. And that we both needed to move on with our lives - and that  would be his good bye to me.

I know he's right and that is the way it has to be , especially if I have any chance of saving my M. But I just miss him sooo much , he really was my best friend , actually really my only friend. He is the person that I would call if something good happened or if something bad happened  or for just whatever. We've supported each other through all kinds of things.

I've always worked a lot of hours and travel all the time I really have never had time for any type of a social life outside of work related events and just do not have any friends of any type. I have my work, DH and I had xap to talk to that's it.  I've confided in only  one person I work with about this  because I have just been a mess for the last few months and she asked me what was going on. She knows both of us , we all  work for the same company in different locations. 

It's like a big piece of me is missing, It's like when someone dies except when that happens you know they are gone. In this case I know he is still out there and will move on and will be with someone else and I do wish the best for him.  The piece of this that I am so sad about is the loss of this friendship. As I write this and sit here in tears I just don't know when I will start to feel better. I can't talk to DH about this because it would just hurt him further to know how important xap was to me. I love him and I don'rt want to hurt him any further

I know from reading posts here on this board it will get better with time but right now it is just  really really really bad. By reading the posts on this board it's good to know that i'm not the only one in this type of situation and some of your stories seem so much like mant of the same things I've gone throug in the A and am going through now - I  really wish we weren't all in this boat but I'm glad to have  the company of people who understand.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Sun, 04-29-2012 - 12:13pm
Hi sweetheart, xAP was one of my best friends for 10 years before the A too. It is hard and it will suck.
I am almost one year out of the A although only 4 month (tomorrow!) NC since I fell back into "being friends" (which never works) for a few months late last year.

So, I get where you are it. It felt like I was missing a limb at times early on.

It will get better and you will get through it. Post often, it really helps a lot.

much love and strength to you
Rain