affair and divorce; needing some nonjudgmental advice or caring thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014
affair and divorce; needing some nonjudgmental advice or caring thoughts
9
Tue, 08-19-2014 - 1:19am

I had an emotional affair on my husband. We have one child together and had been together for 9 years. We got married when i was 17 and him 19. Our marriage was routine and we were stuck in a rut. Hardly no intimacy, no communication. We have always had our problems like any couple and I guess I was tired. Tired of the routine. Not feeling appreciated or worth the effort anymore. Day in and day out. Instead of communicating and trying to fix our marriage I found an escape when I met a guy at work. Yes cowardly I already know. The affair was only emotional but man did it make me feel alive and he knew all the things to say to make me feel special and wanted again. I felt brand new. I told my husband I had been talking to a guy and we split up. I asked him for a divorce and he moved out. He didn't want too he wanted to work things out but I was so caught up in the fireworks I wasn't having it.  I feel a piece of me will always love him despite my unfaithfulness. I just blocked it out due to the newness with my new guy and the fireworks or shame and pride. I don't know. 

Fast forward to today. I am still with the guy I had the affair with, I am divorced as well. 

My ex husband and I always tried for more kids but I had infertility problems. (This and the loss of a baby also drove a wedge between us) I had surgery a week ago and there were complications but I'm here. I found out my insides were grown to my uterus and that was what had caused my infertility all these years. He was able to fix this and he told me it had been causing my uterus to not function properly. I can now have more children. Something we always hoped and prayed for month after month for years.  I couldn't be more happy to know this. 

My guy has been talking about marriage and starting a family. This is where I'm stuck, lost and so so conflicted. I was unfaithful and I did invite this guy into our marriage knowing it was gonna tear us apart. I entertained the idea of marrying him. He is a really good person and very kind and loving.  But I don't know if I could possibly marry someone else or have a child with someone else. It makes my heart hurt for my ex. I want to tell him the news. I wanted him there for my surgery. Everytime it gets more serious with him my gut tells me no. I know why. I still have feelings for my ex husband. But could I walk away from someone again  knowing the pain it causes and could we repair what I have broken on top of the problems that were there before in our marriage? I feel like a failure and a terrible person. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was just selfish and impulsive. I could have a nice life with this guy. He is good man but would I ever really be happy? 

I need advice.

My ex husband told me he still loves me dearly and if I cut all ties he wants to do counseling and get his family back.  It would be such a long hard road but if he can forgive me why can't i forgive myself. My mother always told me I made my bed now I must lay in it. She comes from a family of preachers. Her father and every other man on her side is a preacher.  So this ordeal has been painful through and through but I've stood my grounds for nearly two years now and took all the hate, shame and judgements quietly because I know I've deserved it. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014

Didn't mean to put this reply here  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002

I guess I don't understand you reasoning behind wanting to get back with your ex-husband?  You only want to get back with him to have babies?  From what you've described, you married/had a child very young, and then went into another relationship during/after your marriage.  When have you been on your own to find out who you are?  You mentioned how bored you were in your marriage, to the point that you went looking for (and found!) another man to make you feel something.  My question is, why are you looking for someone else to put the spark and excitement into your life?  What you've been doing is finding distractions from your boredom, a new relationship, another baby, instead of figuring out how to get enjoyment out of your current life.  Do you live with this current guy?  I highly recommend if you decide to break it off with this current guy that you live alone for awhile and seek out some counseling to really get to the bottom of what is going on.  It is bad enough that you cheated on and divorced your ex, but unless you are truly willing to work on yourself and your relationship with him, you should not get involved with him again. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009

Young woman, it is normal that you still have feelings for your ex. You probably always will. He is the father of your child, your first love. What you have to decide if those feelings are based on the past and "dreams you had" or on the current situation.

It is also normal that you have confused feelings about your new guy. Although it takes two, he knew that you were married woman when he meet you. Would he do it again with another woman? Would you? In many relationships, there are bad times and good times. And when you marry too young,like you did, you tend to not have the prospective and emotional tools to deal with the bad times.When you realise that true happiness comes from within, you will be ready for another child.

I suggest that you don't have another child until you figure out what your true feelings are. There is no hurry for that. Get into therapy; live on your own and concentrate on effective co-parenting with your ex. Work on your communication skills. Don't live with your present boyfriend. It is not fair to him; be honest with him.

One point, your ex should be allowed to move on. But if he still also have feelings for you, talk to him about how you feel. Be clear about your confusion. Perhaps he can go into family therapy with you so, at the least, you and he can work out your feelings.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2013

If I were you I would not have children with the guy you are with until you get things settled in your mind about your ex. Sounds to me like you have some unrealistic notions about the possibility of getting back together with your ex and having everything that was wrong the first time around with him not exist. The chances of that happening are pretty slim.

If you don't plan on marrying and having kids with the guy you are with then move on. It's not fair to him for you to let him continue to think you are planning on forever with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

You know you married too young!  That's a given.  You were both too young, and you didn't have a clue what a good marriage entailed.  You were bored, you got the attention of a new man, which of course was fun, thrilling, etc.  It wasn't a real affair, you just enjoyed his company, not really a reason to run to a divorce lawyer.  It would have been easier and cheaper to try to work on your marriage, at least for a while.  You had "problems" and everyone does.......but those things can be fixed it you really want to fix them. You still have feelings for your ex, and he wants to try again.  This new guy is still around, You could have a nice life with him?  Is all you want?  And don't forget, he was willing to start something with you even though you were married, so he doesn't respect marriage vows very much.  Will he respect his own?  You blame yourself for dragging him into your marriage, but I don't think you had to twist his arm, either.  The only mistake you made was to turn to a stranger instead of your husband.  If you'd talked to him about how you felt, maybe you could have fixed the problem, or gone to counseling to get help.  The question is do you really still love your ex, or do you just feel guilty?  If you think the whole "affair" and divorce was a mistake, then why don't you sit down with your ex, and talk about it.  Why don't you go to counseling with him, and maybe you can work things out together.  Your heart is really with your ex husband, not this new guy.  Don't worry about new babies with either of them until and unless you can resolve your own inner conflict.  There are many people who divorce quickly, without trying to work things out, and then they realize that the grass is NOT greener......and they get back together.  There's no shame in admitting you made a mistake, but there is a shame in making another mistake because you fear admitting you were wrong the first time.  Talk to your ex, and maybe you can work things out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014

Thanks to all the posters for their opinions and advice. I really appreciate it more than I can express. 

To clear up some of the things I forgot to add, I have my own place with just my son and I.  I've got back in school to finish my degree. I don't want to have another baby right now. I had accepted I would never have another when I lost my last. I was scared of more heartache and my hopes being crushed if it happened a second time. Now that I've been told the problem and that it's highly possible for that to once again be an option I want to share that with my ex husband. I don't necessarily know that I'm emotionally ready for that yet and I know I'm in no condition to bring another child into the world in my situation. I would never do that to an innocent child, I feel awful enough that I have one child going through this with me already.  But about telling my ex It still happens alot of the time. Something happens and I want to call my ex and tell him about it, simply because we did get married young so we grew up or rather was growing up together. I have shared everything with him since I was 15. Habit maybe? Idk. My ex grieved from our loss as well, more than I ever would have imagined. So my heart hurt and I felt like I had betrayed him again even thinking of possibly in the future having a child with another man. The struggle, the grieve, it just made me feel awful. 

Fissatore, and some of the others said this as well, thank you. I've taken your advice and I believe I'm gonna ask him if we can talk over lunch or something but first I feel I need to talk with my guy about it and let him move on. He deserves to be happy with someone looking for the same things. Things that I also want but can not give to him. 

I'm frightened to death...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2014

I have questioned him in the past about what you and fissatore said about me being married at the time. I've always heard if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. I did the cheating of course number 1 so what does that say of me? And number 2 why does it bother me so much that he didn't blink an eye at it? I want to have a life with someone who values their marriage vows as i want to be a person who can stand and fight for a promise I make. Not run like a coward. I have alot of growing to do before I can make that commitment again no matter who it is.  

When I asked him he of course said everything I needed to hear whether or not it's the truth only time would tell that. 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

You are judging yourself way too harshly.  You are taking classes what will you do when you graduate?  What career have you  planned.  I suggest you find yourself a  career path.  It is very dangerouse to go back.  You were drowing and you saved yourself.  Now it is time to move on to another stage.   Yes, we do not for get our first lover.  But that does not mean they are right for us now.  You are not that person any longer.  It is just that simple.  Put your  education first then out into the world.  As far as the current BF well have you ever lived by yourself?  There is a part where you may out grow him too.    This is not about what you were conditioned to do but who you are.

chaika

Community Leader
Registered: 09-25-2003

I think you should split ties with all men for two years and discover who you are as an individual.  You got married so young that I suspect your identity has always been tied to the man you are with.  You had the emotional affair WHILE you were married, and now that you are having a relationship with that guy, it is different because you don't have the security/comfort of the marriage that was in the background.  By being SINGLE for two years, you can find out who you are without a man, which I think is crucial.  Keep going to school.  I think that if you pull your ex back into this, the same problem might arise because the problem is that you don't know what you truly want out of life.  Find that FIRST.  Just my two cents.  Good luck.   Life is not easy, but it IS rewarding, precious, and can be wonderful.