affair and divorce; needing some nonjudgmental advice or caring thoughts
Find a Conversation
|Tue, 08-19-2014 - 1:19am|
I had an emotional affair on my husband. We have one child together and had been together for 9 years. We got married when i was 17 and him 19. Our marriage was routine and we were stuck in a rut. Hardly no intimacy, no communication. We have always had our problems like any couple and I guess I was tired. Tired of the routine. Not feeling appreciated or worth the effort anymore. Day in and day out. Instead of communicating and trying to fix our marriage I found an escape when I met a guy at work. Yes cowardly I already know. The affair was only emotional but man did it make me feel alive and he knew all the things to say to make me feel special and wanted again. I felt brand new. I told my husband I had been talking to a guy and we split up. I asked him for a divorce and he moved out. He didn't want too he wanted to work things out but I was so caught up in the fireworks I wasn't having it. I feel a piece of me will always love him despite my unfaithfulness. I just blocked it out due to the newness with my new guy and the fireworks or shame and pride. I don't know.
Fast forward to today. I am still with the guy I had the affair with, I am divorced as well.
My ex husband and I always tried for more kids but I had infertility problems. (This and the loss of a baby also drove a wedge between us) I had surgery a week ago and there were complications but I'm here. I found out my insides were grown to my uterus and that was what had caused my infertility all these years. He was able to fix this and he told me it had been causing my uterus to not function properly. I can now have more children. Something we always hoped and prayed for month after month for years. I couldn't be more happy to know this.
My guy has been talking about marriage and starting a family. This is where I'm stuck, lost and so so conflicted. I was unfaithful and I did invite this guy into our marriage knowing it was gonna tear us apart. I entertained the idea of marrying him. He is a really good person and very kind and loving. But I don't know if I could possibly marry someone else or have a child with someone else. It makes my heart hurt for my ex. I want to tell him the news. I wanted him there for my surgery. Everytime it gets more serious with him my gut tells me no. I know why. I still have feelings for my ex husband. But could I walk away from someone again knowing the pain it causes and could we repair what I have broken on top of the problems that were there before in our marriage? I feel like a failure and a terrible person. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I was just selfish and impulsive. I could have a nice life with this guy. He is good man but would I ever really be happy?
I need advice.
My ex husband told me he still loves me dearly and if I cut all ties he wants to do counseling and get his family back. It would be such a long hard road but if he can forgive me why can't i forgive myself. My mother always told me I made my bed now I must lay in it. She comes from a family of preachers. Her father and every other man on her side is a preacher. So this ordeal has been painful through and through but I've stood my grounds for nearly two years now and took all the hate, shame and judgements quietly because I know I've deserved it.