After it but not over it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2014
After it but not over it
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 8:42pm

What do you do a long ways out when it still pulls at you every day?  Where do you put all that energy? Just wondering, thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 02-19-2014 - 11:36pm

What you do is you put that energy someplace else.  He's not doing it to you, you're doing it to yourself!  There are many things in life that are traumatic.  People leave, people die, jobs get lost......and when adversity hits, you accept that it happened, and you move on.  This is YOUR life, and you can either choose to wallow in your misery, or you can choose to what the song says:  Pick yourself up, wipe yourself off, and start all over again!  You are CHOOSING to be miserable.  Find something else to put your energy into.  If you're not working, get a job.  If you don't have a degree, go back to school.  Volunteer for a charity, or at a hospital.....where you'll see people with REAL problems......and forget about your own.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get your life back.  You had one once upon a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2014
Fri, 02-21-2014 - 3:04pm

Thanks for reply.  I try not to wallow in misery, most of the time I succeed.  Problem is this: was deeply in love with her, thought that would fade away with nc after Dday, but it did not!  Told her to keep her distance, she respected that, DW and I are getting better, but that love that won't leave and the ache, that's the problem..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2011
Sat, 02-22-2014 - 6:43am
You made your choice after dday to stay with your wife and work on things, now you must let go of the other woman, I'm sure she's just as torn up if not more so by your choice to stay. No one said it's easy, believe me, i know, fresh out for 6weeks now, but, it will get better if we just give it time! Hang in there!

Sometimes love just isn't enough.... NC since 7-30-14

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sun, 02-23-2014 - 2:32pm

May I ask why you chose your wife over the woman you cheated with? The answer might lend some insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2014
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 5:44am

I never planned to leave.  OW knew that.  Both knew the only ending would be painful.  Long term M for me, OW in a different place with hers.  Many difficult family considerations in my part too, amends to make, staying is the moral & right thing to do.  But that does not make the love for OW go away!  Does anyone turn away from the moral and right thing to do and a life that is mostly good and sometimes really good, for amazing and all consuming love? And if they don't what do they do with that love? I will never again stray, I learned my lesson there once and for all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 11:14am

Only you can say what is the moral and right thing to do here. Some would choose the all encompassing love over a long term marriage that has faded. I do not know that your marriage has faded though, so much a the new love has not yet had time to tarnish.

I once thought I loved the woman I cheated with as well. After a time I knew I needed out yet could not fully free my self from the feelings I had for her. I would hang up the phone vowing never to call again. I would spend time with my wife and know that is where I longed to be. Within days the lure of the other woman would draw me back to contact and I would question my love for my wife. This went on for months.

Affairs are passionate partially because they are secrets. Secrets breed desire. Desire feels like love, and new desire is the headiest drug on the planet. We are not rational in the midst of such a thing.

For a while I thought I would spend the rest of my life wishing things had been different and the woman I cheated with and I could be together. Simultaneously I wanted her to never call me again yet wanted to leave the door open a crack 'just in case.' The inner turmoil was huge and I equated it all to love.

The spell was finally broken for me when we were discovered. In the light of day our relationship did not look as good as it did in the dark. I was not a golden god and she was not Venus, we were merely flawed people who had betrayed those who loved us most. Our lies were all we had to support the fantasy we built up about our selves and each other. When we were on our best behavior and trying to impress one another we were the most desirable creatures that ever lived, yet that act was bound to end at some point and what would I have left? Listening to how she spoke of her husband made me feel badly for him. Realizing how I had been treating my wife made me sick for my self. Seeing how she treated my wife after we were discovered exposed her true nature and I put my self in to intensive therapy because clearly I was deranged.

Your story may be different. If exposing your affair to break the spell is not an option then maybe therapy is. I recommend it highly because it saved me in more ways than just this one. In my case having an affair was just a matter of hitting bottom in a long downward spiral that took everything with it. In your case it may be different yet it always helps to have a professional with which to sort things out.

In the meantime treat your wife as you treated the woman you cheated with. Let your best be for her. Look at her and think of her with the same intensity you put in to your affair and see what happens.

Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013
Mon, 02-24-2014 - 12:08pm

Listen to every thing that NYMann and others have to say. I thought that I was deeply in love with my xAP, only to realize that it was just a fantasy. What you are in love with is loving a OW fantasy since it did not come with unpleasant discussions on household matters. Look, both your OW and you have issues otherwise you would not have embarked on this morally wrong cheating relationship. OW is as flawed as you are. Keeping loving feelings for the OW will hurt your relationship with your wife. You already know what you want: your wife. Stay with your wife and be fully committed to her. There is no room for others. Watch movies with your wife - we watched the winter olympics together, we watch movies on Netflix together, I help her in the kitchen when I can and the list goes on and on.

Would you want your wife to pine for someone else? Put yourself in her shoes. Let go of your attachment to OW. It's different to have pleasant memories, but those memories need to taken in context. Sex and intimacy with someone new is fun. For whatever reason the two of you embarked on this affair, it was to meet both of your needs at that moment. That moment has gone. It is history. It is time for you to move on totally. You need to commit yourself totally to your wife.

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 02-25-2014 - 11:55pm

Hey more more more.  Would that be in the midnight hour? :)

I would use this time, and place my focus, on self-discovery...get to the bottom of some of those 'whys'; as in, why could I not stay true to my vows? Why did I jeopardize my marriage? Why did I think inviting a third party (another emotional woman...oy) into my life/my marriage would make life better? What voids were I trying to fill...I know, I know..that's a 'what' :)

Getting to the bottom of what makes me tick is where I'd place my focus to insure that I never go down such a destructive path again.

I'd focus, too, on the back-to-basics of making a marriage work and learn better coping strategies when thing aren't running so smoothly. Therapy is the key.  It was for me.  A professional helped me dig deep, pointed out some childhood experiences that had carried over into adulthood...and helped support and guide me during my ending.  I can't stress therapy enough.

I hope it IS over...otherwise, healing and recovery stay in the 'stalled' mode.


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-28-2014 - 4:27pm

So much could be said on this and you have already received some good advice.

I think all I can really add is a scene from the TV series House.  His "true love" came to his hospital with her sick husband and House was the only doctor she would trust to treat him.  His ways are unconventional, but she trusted him.  As they were talking, and House's heart is breaking seeing her with her DH, he says to her "I thought you were the one."  She says "You were the one, but you had no room for me, as your life is here at the hospital, etc."  "My husband is here for me."

So even though House and this gal had what you might call true love for each other, it didn't mean they were meant to be together.  She accepted this and moved on and married someone else.  

You are already married and you said that you never intended to leave, so maybe if you can simply hold a special place for the OW in your heart you will be able to move forward and recommit to your DW.  Imagine that your DW is the one who had an affair and you were willing to do anything to keep your marriage together.  What would you do?  How would you treat your DW then?  How would you look at her, treat her, and feel when you were with her?  

Just some things to consider.  My current DH used to be my AP, so I can't speak to making a marriage work after betrayal.  My DH also struggled with what love really was, and finally came to terms that his marriage really wasn't working and had nothing to do with meeting me.  

Take care and good luck!  Emotional limbo is horrible for everyone involved.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 10:32am

Brilliant post by Nymann63 - could not add anything to it.

Just wanted to say.. at the stage where both you and her are/were putting forward your best-groomed best-behaved representatives, you may well feel that this is/was an amazing and all-consuming love. The question is, how long is it going to stay this way? How long until real you and real her come out and realize that your love is nothing but a fantasy..?  Nymann expressed this much more eloquently. Don't ruin your life. Don't leave what's not horrible. At 20, one can do extremely stupid things in life and recover and go on but at, I'm assuming, 40 something? - not so much.