All behind me. Or...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2013
All behind me. Or...?
3
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 10:18am

Prelude:
I became good friends with someone of the opposite sex. I did not see anything wrong with it, though we spoke intimately about emotions and our past, discussed politics, philosophy and psychology and enjoyed each other's company many hours every week. My partner was wary of it and we had several arguments.

In all honesty I had no romantic feelings for my friend. He is not my type and I am very much in love with my partner. However, my partner became increasingly emotionally abusive during this period. I was called names and I was put down, as well as sighed at, ignored and yelled at. I felt lonely, tired and at my witts end.

It happens:
I went on holiday with a group of friends, including this male I was so emotionally close with. Due to having to move from our originally booked apartment we ended up sharing a room. At first we were just holding hands and hugging, but it soon went too far. We had some sexual contact and many kisses during the week we spent away from our homes. The sexual contact did in no way compare to my partner, but it felt so incredible for someone to act as if they liked me still, to speak to me with respect and to care about my emotions. The affair continued on an emotional level when we returned home. After three months I broke it off in the sense that I returned to purely platonic communication. We still spend time alone.

Now:
As I returned to purely platonic communication my friend told me he is in love with me. I feel awful about the ways I have hurt him and the deceit of my partner. The relationship with my partner is far better; it is now at a stage where we enjoy each other once more. He makes me feel appreciated, he speaks to me with respect, he listens and makes a true effort. We have our bumps in the road, but all in all there are no major issues. He does not know of my affair. If he did he would surely leave me.

It has been a year since the holiday and now we are planning another one. My friend is likely coming. How bad of an idea is this?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 4:22pm

Since everything is going swimmingly with your partner now, and you have told your friend very clearly that you are only platonic friends, and assuming you will not be sharing a room on the next trip, it sounds like it will be ok if you and he are on the same trip.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 03-18-2013 - 5:08pm

How would your H feel about it if he knew your story? If you value your H and M then you should go completelly NC with your AP. If you decide to continue with the AP in any way then you should confess to your H and let him go. It really isn't fair or honest  to disrespect your H any more. Consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-19-2013 - 11:32am

Hi, and welcome to the board.  I know that the boards are pretty quiet at the moment, but I'm glad you found us.

So, there are a lot of things in your post that I see as sort of "red flags".  I'll try to separate them out, just for my own ease in responding.  :)

>>I became good friends with someone of the opposite sex. I did not see anything wrong with it, though we spoke intimately about emotions...<<

Do you still feel that there was nothing wrong with this?  I ask, because all of us here who have engaged in an affair will tell you that  this "friendship" has all of the characteristics of an emotional affair.  Sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone other than your SO is a very slippery slope, as it seems you have found out.

>>My partner was wary of it and we had several arguments.<<

Another big red flag.  What did you argue about?  Did your partner want you to disengage from this relationship?  Why didn't you?  What about this relationship was worth keeping - and worth fighting with your partner over?  Why was this relationship important enough that you were willing to mess up your primary one in order to keep it?

>>In all honesty I had no romantic feelings for my friend. He is not my type and I am very much in love with my partner. However, my partner became increasingly emotionally abusive during this period. I was called names and I was put down, as well as sighed at, ignored and yelled at. I felt lonely, tired and at my witts end.<<

Which came first - your partner being increasingly upset over this "friendship" and expressing that in hurtful ways?  Or was your partner always emotionally abusive?  Was there a cause/effect scenario here?  And, given that you were already arguing about the friendship, do you think that your partner also felt lonely, put down, ignored and tired?

>>I went on holiday with a group of friends, including this male I was so emotionally close with.<<

Does your partner know that he was on this trip?  Did you have to lie or withhold information in order to go?

And then, this:

>>The affair continued on an emotional level when we returned home. After three months I broke it off in the sense that I returned to purely platonic communication. We still spend time alone.<<

And this:

>>As I returned to purely platonic communication my friend told me he is in love with me.<<

These two things are not compatible.  You can't have a purely platonic relationship with someone who is in love with you.  It just cannot be done - no matter how careful you are.  You can't put the genie back in the bottle here.  You had an emotional relationship with this person that turned into a physical one.  There is no going back to a purely platonic relationship at this point.  Every conversation you have with this person is likely giving him false hope.

>>The relationship with my partner is far better; it is now at a stage where we enjoy each other once more.<<

Why is that?  What changed?  What is different now?

>>It has been a year since the holiday and now we are planning another one. My friend is likely coming. How bad of an idea is this?<<

You know the answer to this one already.  It's a SUPER bad idea.

Listen, all of us here have been in your shoes.  This place is called "After Your Affair" - and it's a space where people who have had an affair can work through all of the aftermath of that decision.  And part of working through everything is that you have to be able to be honest with yourself, and honest about your situation.  I promise you that all of us can relate to your post - and that all of my questions are not in any way mean-spirited or anything like that.  :)

I just think that they are questions that you need to be able to start answering, for yourself, so that you can understand what led you to your choices, and allow you to make better, healthier ones for yourself from here on out.

And continuing to hang out or engage with this guy, in any way, isn't a healthy choice.  For any of you.

Hugs,

Kim