Am I crumbling? Going backwards?
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|Fri, 02-03-2012 - 12:45pm|
I did great in January – I didn’t send any emails, despite squirming on a daily basis at this computer I have to sit at all day…And I knew January would be hard because it marked one year since the A began. But I did it. Lots of self-talk about leaving him alone.
I am losing a little strength though, I feel it wearing down. Now it is February and I am thinking about a very memorable day we had last February and it seems to be all I am thinking about lately. It is invading my head more than ever.
My feelings and thoughts about him are like an incurable virus I am living with. Or maybe a substance addiction. I knew it was bad for me but the pain of withdrawal was so bad, I kept going for a fix. When the dealer disappeared, I would reach for him for more of the drug but he’d not be there to provide it. I know I have to just keep plowing through this involuntary withdrawal and am doing very well all things considered … but lately I feel like I am dying for a fix.
I am not going to reach out, any contact would be disastrous for me, but I am getting more and more uncomfortable.
What is the big thing with me and thinking “One year ago” and “last year at this time we were together, etc etc” – it shouldn’t matter. It is February, 2012 – not February, 2011. Who cares that ‘one year ago today we’ did anything. I doubt he is remembering dates and meetings the way I am right now.