Another "Round"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2010
Another "Round"
1
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 10:51am
It's been about a year... That's when I was here last I think--in the same place I am right now. I don't know what I'm looking for because I've been versed enough over and over (unfortunately) to know. Maybe I'm too lost in life and too emotionally unstable to make concrete realizations, epiphanies, and decisions.
He has struggled with our relationship throughout and there has been ongoing issues that he truly has been unable to give me what I truly want and need from him. We had a major issue this past weekend which in essence drove him to the point of "we can't do this any more", "it's not right", "I don't know where it's going". I did this..it's my fault..I pushed him too far this time..didn't give him the space he needed. He kept swaying back and forth with where he was at and what he wanted...I became very frustrated and tried to explain to him that I can't pretend we are just friends and that the relationship would only consume me even more wondering when he would call or email me next. It is my fault because I essentially pushed it to the point of either we are in the relationship or not. I think we have gone through our last "round". I don't know if he will contact me..I am typically the one to contact because I become weak or feel I can no longer go without my 'fix' (most know that addictive aspect).
I'm empty, devastated, lost, beat, tired, drained, angry, frustrated.. This A has become my life unfortunately..and I didn't want it to be over (again, I guess unfortunately). I can not function and I am afraid...afraid of everything and who I am, where I am, what it all means...etc, etc.
Thank you..I just needed to let this out.
Sunny, I was going to email you as I know you have given me great wisdom in the past...I changed my email, so I no longer had yours. Hope your doing as well as can be.

Td
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 9:02pm
Hi TD, and welcome back.

I'm sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, though. I'm sending you big, big virtual hugs - just know that you aren't alone in this, okay? I know how lost you feel, and how much you're hurting right now. We all do, all of us have been there ourselves, and come out the other side of it. And we're here to support you, to help you on your way through it too.

It's not your fault, though - I would like to see that be your starting point right now, to try to really see that it isn't.

In any relationship, we're supposed to ask for what we want, and tell the other person what we need. They can choose to give it or not - but there isn't anything wrong with asking. There is no blame to be had for that.

Especially if he is fence-sitting, and has been. It sounds as though he's been in that place for a while - you said "swaying back and forth". If that is what he's doing - then that is on him, not on you. That is his to own - not yours to take the blame for.

If he is fence-sitting - there isn't anything that you can do or say to make him jump either way. Saying something, not saying something, doing this, not doing that - none of it will make any real difference in the outcome. I mean - he's an adult, and he (and only he) is responsible for his choices and his decisions. You cannot take that on your shoulders - that burden is just too heavy, and it will break you into smaller pieces than you already are.

It's okay to be afraid, sweetie. Everyone is afraid of something, after all - that's just part of life. But don't let your fear hold you back, or make you pause your life somehow. No one can possibly be worth that sort of sacrifice.

Big hugs,

Kim