Back after a long time

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Back after a long time
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 8:54pm


I haven't been on the boards in over

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 10:34am
ITD! It is so nice to see you sweetie - though I'm sorry for the reason you're here.

Before I forget - I remember the last time we talked, your son was home for a while, but was looking at another deployment in the future - did that happen?

How did it go last night? I'll admit that I'm kind of surprised that he never did get that divorce. Because if I am remembering right, it was pretty much a done deal at some point, and he was just waiting for the official word to come through, wasn't he? (Or, he said similar?)

I'm angry on your behalf honey - about the piece of paper line. Especially given your circumstances. Because I know that this isn't the first time you've brought it up - or the second - and that it has been an issue for a while now, right?

And really - I don't say this from anything to do with an affair, or anything related to that, or how your relationship started, etc.

But. When someone tells their partner that something is important to them, that they need something, that this is something that they are looking for within that relationship, within that partnership - and the other person hears that, and chooses to do nothing? That is a problem. In ANY relationship.

He isn't being honest with you - and that is ALSO a problem. If he truly feels as though it's "just a piece of paper" - if it truly means that little, then why not just get it? Obviously, there is something stopping him from making it final. Unless and until he can be honest with himself about what that something is...then he might not be able to be truly honest with you about it.

He sees it as a piece of paper, a non-issue. Obviously, you see it as a bigger deal than that. Normally, I would say that when two people are far apart on an issue, the first thing to do is to try to find some common ground, and compromise, and to find a place somewhere in the middle where you can meet, and where you both can be happy. But - you've done that. You've been doing that. And the middle isn't working for you, it sounds like. :(


You need to take care of you, sweetie. It sounds like you're ready to do that. I'm so sorry that you're hurting, though.

Big, big hugs -



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 9:36pm

ITD. I remember you. I am sorry to hear about your situation. If I'm adding correctly, you have been with this man for 5 years? Time to sh*t or get off the pot. I know how frustrating and confusing it is when they are separated but don't divorce. Mine was separated for 3 years. I could never figure out why he didn't just get on with it. Two weeks ago I found his secret online dating profile. I no longer think about why. Some people you are just better off without.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 2:16pm

Hi Kim,

My son was not deployed again. Unfortunately, he had a really bad accident during training in which he almost lost his leg. I am so grateful that he didn't lose it. The Navy hospital was just so tremendously awesome. They did everything they could to not only save his leg, but he is walking on his own now. He went from possible amputation, to never walking again, to he will walk again, but never will be able to run. Well, he got to the wallking part and is working on the running part. He does walk with a limp now, but that is nothing compared to what could have been. He is a true miracle.

It's been a very rough few days. He at times acts like nothing happens and then other times becomes very distant. I'm desparately looking for a place but have realized how expensive it is out there. I have a few leads so we shall see what happens.

The divorce had been filed, but I am not sure what happened but it never went through. I had brough it up several times in the time we were together. He never saw it as an issue and it as no big deal with him. The last time I brought it up I let him know that I was at the end of waiting and if it was dealt with that I would be moving on. He didn't think I would do it. So I ended it and am working on moving out.

I guess I will never really get a real answer on why he just won't do it. He claims he will never go back, especially since she has had a baby with her current boyfriend. So the question is still there, why not do it?

I know I have to move on, but I am hurting so much right now. A part of me just wants to say forget it, I will deal with it. The bigger part of me says no, enough is enough. You can do this. You can move on. I just hope I don't falter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 7:00pm

I've spent a lot of time on that question as well -- if you're not going back, why not do it? At some point, I would think both parties would want closure. I wonder how the boyfriend of the wife feels about it -- especially now that they've had a baby together. Is he in therapy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 1:54pm

You know I never stopped to think about what her boyfriend is thinking on that matter. That is something to think about, but I guess I will never really have an answer to it. Right now I am just so hurt by his attitude as if nothing that is happening is bothering him at all. I don't let him see me cry either. I'm not sure if it will a difference any way. I am trying so hard to keep it together. I do good at times, but at others not so much. I can pretend very well when I am around my kids or talk to them. I've always been able to do that. I am holding up pretty well at work. I guess it may be even worse once I actually find a place and move out. It will all really be final then. I just hope I have the strength to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 11:15pm


>>>I just hope I have the strength to do it.<<<

You can do it!!!

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