The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.
Yes..I did just get tired of the fight. So I sent a text asking if he was still ignoring me. He sent a pretty funny reply back. And we agreed to give eachother space. (like LOTS of space..like maybe f-o-r-e-v-e-r space) And suddenly? That doesn't seem so frightening.
I hated the way we had left things. Him screaming..me sending needy texts. Especially since we had ended (or so I thought) on decent terms before that...So yes..I know this could continue if I don't stay n.c.
But in the meantime? I was hired tonight by a community center in a nearby town. Working with kids from the gangs...educational stuff.
I'm so glad. I miss working outside my home. I think getting out of the house and back to being a regular pay-check player will be a good move for me. And? The community center is really close to where I should be starting graduate school in the Fall.
And also? The band and all their families came to hang out tonight (it's sort-of a Monday thing) And as I was watching kids run around like banshees, while the band practiced and spouses just visited..I realized how lucky I am! And how I really don't need xAP. And I really don't want to lose this life I have.
So..yes..I screwed up. Yes I REALLY miss xAP..the person..not the affair.