Been keeping my resolution!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Been keeping my resolution!
9
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 12:33pm

I had resolved to STOP the stupid fishing emails to my xAP. I have succeeded so far. I have gotten through several of my 'trigger' situations. Just by telling myself over and over Do Not Do this. He doesn't want to hear from you. Leave him alone, respect his wishes. For example I was out on my own last night having dinner with a friend.. That is a major trigger for me to want to email him and say I am out on my own, just meet me later for a bit, etc and I woke up feeling so much better about myself that I did NOT try.

I still deal with the thought of the possibility that maybe just maybe this time he would have replied and agreed and I so badly want to see him but there is a MUCH greater possibility that he would ignore and I would feel worse. As much as I think I want him and to go back to that situation, it is the worst thing I could possibly do right now.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 4:47pm
YAY MISS!!!

That's awesome news, honey! Look at you - you're doing so great! I hope that you are feeling proud of yourself, because you should be.

Every time you can talk yourself down when a trigger hits - the easier it will get. It's like a muscle - the more you use it, the stronger it will get.

So happy for you - you are doing so great.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 8:23am
One day at a time girl!!! You're awesome!!!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Sun, 01-22-2012 - 2:21pm
Miss....great job!! I think you are doing something that is VERY hard. I get these urges all the time and I just keep telling myself that silence is dignified. I guess that must be important to me because it stops me every time. The 5 times I tried N/C and failed I acted so un-dignified ( is that a word? Lol) so many times. It gets embarrassing. You are doing so great!! Much better than I did! I'm so impressed! Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 11:45am

Dignified - great word! I will have to remember that! Oh, how I have embarassed myself contacting him. Phrasing my emails all sorts of ways, to try and get him to reply. It was such an insult to my own self. The urges are still here every day, and I don't know how long I can really hold out, but each day is a victory and really, there is nothing to say to him at this point. Besides, I think he has my email hard-blocked. The only other option is office phone and I will not call there.

One day at a time, but I even made it through a whole weekend with no H around (was out of town) and didn't make any attempts at contact. I am not sure how long was the longest I ever kept quiet but this might be it (3 or so weeks).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 3:55pm

Miss-

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 5:05pm

I can't comment on the money thing...it sound like a tough positon to be in:(

All my xAP owes me is about 8 months of my life. I had miscarried a pregnancy about 2 weeks before our affair went physical and as soon as it started, I put my entire life on hold for him. Immediately after the m/c, I devastated and certain I wanted to try and get PG again as soon as possible. But then, I reached out to xAP - this was about a month after feelings had been confessed to one another - and then the affair started...and all my plans went out the window because now I was hoping to leave my life for him! I realize I was in an extremely vulnerable place. Then 8 months after the A began - Sept 2011 - I found myself PG again (by my H) and well, I am now 21 weeks along. I know everything happens for a reason and I had to go through some stuff last year to get where I am now...But it was rough...Our physical A began exactly one year ago, I think it was even Jan 24 (tomorrow), 2011. The last time I saw him was 5/26/11. Last contact (email) was in Sept, then I found out I was pg. He knows I am, because we exchanged a couple emails after that. Not that he knows how I am doing now or if it is going well or anything. But my condition makes me even MORE ashamed for trying to carry on contact. What am I expected to get from him or hoping for, at 5 months pregnant?? What kind of person am I?

But this is all to answer your question, that I am maintaining NC but, not moving forward. And now I am all emotional and hormomal. I still think about him every.single.day.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 01-25-2012 - 11:25am
Daisy, can you ask your lawyer what the timeline is for filing a claim? That will depend on what state you're in, and what kind of claim it is - but your attorney should be able to tell you when you would need to file by in order to pursue it.

Once you know that, then you can decide what you want to do about pursuing it in court. If you have a year or whatever to file - then you can just sit with it for a while, and see how you feel as time goes by.

I guess I am worried that if you try to pursue it now, it could cause a set-back to you emotionally, in having to deal with him right now in any kind of way. So, ask your attorney what your options are, and what kind of leeway you will have as far as having to file within a time frame.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Wed, 01-25-2012 - 2:58pm
Kim- I actually called the court house where he lives. They are sending me a booklet on everything I need to know about filing and how it works. I actually don't have to see him. On the court day he could show up, but my lawyer and this woman from the courthouse says they rarely do. One concern is xAP is at this courthouse everyday. He does not work there but interacts with everyone there. So when I gave her my name and address for the booklet I was nervous. Our A has been such a public thing in both our towns it's hard to say if she or anyone else there would know my name. I totally agree with you that I need to think about this. It's why I called for the information and if I would have to interact with him at all. I don't want to get too personal, but this money is seriously making things difficult for me. To not have this payment would be a great relief. Oh boy, so much to think about. Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 01-26-2012 - 1:28pm
That's awesome, Daisy! Look over the information they send you, and see what all is involved with the whole process, and then, go from there.

This is such a positive step, sweetie. Gathering information, so that you can make an informed choice about what you want to do - and thinking about how to best protect yourself in the process.

This is you - caring for yourself. :)

Kim