Brand new, Needing some support

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Brand new, Needing some support
10
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 1:00pm

Hi everyone. I stumbled across these boards a few days ago and I can't tell you how relieved I was to see some help for someone like me. I am brand new here. So I guess you need a little background... bear with me while I sort out the details. I'm 38 and have been with my DH for 21 years. Yes I was 17 and he was 25. we lived together for 5 years and then got married. we work in the entertainment industry and travel extensively

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 1:34pm
Hi sweetie, it sounds like a very rough situation. But it also sounds like you are not hung up on xAP which is a good, good thing! That is what so many of us struggle with here.
As far as your H goes, he sounds broken and you can't fix him. Only he can do that.
It also sounds like you don't want to leave. But can you stay? It doesn't sound like it to me as H is becoming abusive.
I would suggest IC for you, over MC, to help *you* figure out what *you* want and need.
Welcome. Love and strength to you.
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 2:41pm

Thanks Rain. It is nice to be validated and not feel like I am completely nuts. I am in IC now. It has helped. I struggle with leaving, being alone. I am not working right now and couldn't go back to my job. I never picked that career anyway. I was bullied into it. I don't have a college education and live in a small town. Not many jobs. It is a frightening world out there and I am terrified to take that step. Financial stability vs emotional stability. It seems stupid to even

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 7:19pm
Dahlia, is there any way you could see a divorce lawyer for a consultation, just to give you an idea of what your financial situation would be in your jurisdiction?
I do know that many women are significantly worse off financially after a divorce but it is not always the case, especially if you could go back to school (on his dime.essentially and he'd probably be happy to do it since it would reduce support payments going forward).
Life is short. We lost a dear friend here last week and it really did.bring that point into focus. Life is too short to be unhappy.
love
Rain
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 8:51pm
Hi dahlias, and welcome to the board. I am so glad that you found us - you're not alone anymore, honey.

So there is a lot going on for you right now, huh. And I am sure that it's all so overwhelming and scary - and I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now.

But you are doing all of the right things, sweetheart. You are doing exactly what all of the books and websites and information out there say you need to do. NC, transparency, honesty - you are doing your part to rebuild.

But...rebuilding is not going to be something that you can accomplish on your own. Your DH needs to be doing his part as well. And, it doesn't sound as though he is.

And worse, from your posts, it doesn't even sound as though he wants to, at least right now. And that is his to own and to deal with. There won't be anything that you can do - he needs to figure out what he wants, and what he is willing to do to get that. If he wants your marriage to be healthy and happy - then he will have to do his share of the work to make that happen.

And, if he just wants everything to go back to "how it was" - whatever that looked like, then you'll have an answer. Because no matter how hard you try - you won't be able to go back and be that person again. You've changed as a result of your experience - and you will continue to grow and to change as you get farther out from it.

And I say that is a GOOD thing, though I'm sure it doesn't much feel that way at the moment.

I would guess that having been with him since you were 17...that maybe, some part of you is still emotionally or mentally stuck in that headspace. Where you are younger, and much less powerful in the relationship, where things are unbalanced in his favor, because he is older, more mature, more worldly, just MORE.

But you're not still that 17 year old girl, dazzled by him. And you will have to figure out if this man is what you want, who you want to be married to, as he is NOW, and if that is a good fit with who YOU are now, and with who you want to be in the future. It might be - but, it might not be, too.

So, what sort of support system do you have in real life, honey? Do you have somewhere that you could go, just to give yourself some space for a little bit, to get out from under such a toxic atmosphere?

Big hugs,

Kim


    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 9:04pm
Welcome Dahlias! Big ((hug)). You have really taken a beating from this man. He sounds very self centered and life revolves around him. May I suggest you read a bit about being a narcissist. There are several good books. One is..." why is it always about you?". I can find others if you would like, I have read many. I totally understand being scared financially, but you need a break from his continuous bullying. You need to start thinking about YOU!!! Taking a break doesn't always mean divorce, but may give you some perspective on life without someone telling you everything is your fault everyday. Take care honey. Keep posting and letting us know how you are. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2012
Tue, 04-03-2012 - 9:07pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Wed, 04-04-2012 - 8:57pm

Thank you everyone. I do feel better today and it is nice to get support. I don't have a real support system because of our job. Most of my friends are coworkers and this is not something I want to talk about with them. I do have a good friend, and two family members but I have hesitated from talking to them. When I finally did this week they were all very, very supportive. Did get a nice email from my H. that made me feel better too. he said I needed to learn how to love myself, should continue with IC and find how to be true to myself. I also got an apology for his drinking. Not as heartfelt as my apologies have been but not sarcastic so that was good. I really do appreciate everyones care and concern. It was nice to get it all out and to see i am not nuts. I told H how much it hurts when he repeatedly brings up my mistakes in detail. He agreed to just say " I am having a bad day" rather than rub my nose in it and write on his journal instead. So for now I am working on me, trying to figure "me" out. I should also state that the issues I have with myself aren't all from my H. My mother is bipolar and my dad goes along with her. They haven't spoken to my brother or myself since 2007. in a two day period my grandma died from cancer, my dog died and the parents sued me ( they claimed I promised to give them my house). That was a bad week. I did see a physocholgist for that and have come to terms with all of that mess. I held it all together until my dog died. looking back now I guess it was because she loved me no matter what and never judged me. I got her from the shelter when she was 7 and had her for 5 years. she was awesome.

So not having the P's ( I have always refered to the parents as the P's) in my life is actually a good thing as that part of my life is peaceful. I should also state that the judge threw out all the charges ( i had no idea you could go to a magitrate and file any charges you want) and told them if they ever bothered me agin they would go to jail. So those are some other hurdles I have battled. I am not generally depressed or wallow in self pity but when I do get knocked down it is very difficult to pull myself up. I am very shy and quite an introvert. I always question why someone would talk to me and why they would want to be my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2012
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 6:05pm
I am glad you are feeling better. This is such a roller coaster isn't it? I have my good and bad days. Today I'm really down. I hope my H doesn't pick up on my mood like he often does or its going to be a very long weekend.

I still struggle with loving myself. I don't feel strong or brave or even attractive. I look in the mirror and see an overweight 40 something and feel very unlovable. That was the big draw to my affair. My xap was my best friend and was very good at making me feel good about myself. My H tries but doesn't succeed very well most of the time. He does try though and I have to give him credit for that. He really does want to put our marriage back together, as do I. I just can't help wishing though that he was more like xap. Sigh.

Hang in there and keep working at it. We'll all get through together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2012
Thu, 04-05-2012 - 7:22pm

I am sorry you are feeling down today Jez. Hope it improves. I am tired of relying on other people to be happy. I would love to be that kind of person who always has a smile, who looks put together, and is happy with their life and the world. That is my goal. I have IC tomorrow and I think that will be our discussion. Today has been up and down, but not the severe ride from earlier this week. I just keep practicing my T suggestions. The biggest stumbling block is motivating myself to go out and meet some friends. I am so used to being solitary that I find it difficult to make friends so I just hang out with my dogs. We hike a lot and that helps but when I talk to them and they stare at me I know they are really thinking "Jeez is she ever going to fill this food bowl up? Have you seen my ball? oops my butt itches" lol at least that is what I think they saying. Maybe I should take a cue from them and totally live in the moment, They are pretty darn happy. Maybe they are the smarter ones

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 04-09-2012 - 12:02pm
Dahlias and Jeze -

How are you guys doing today?

Hugs,

Kim