Can i join...need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Can i join...need help.
20
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 10:09am
Hi all, have been reading this board for sometime, some of you may know my story already but i'll fill you in as briefly as I can.
Was in an A with a co-worker for 15 months, numerous endings by him (both married). I finally ended it last week. At times it was wonderful, we were so similar, we laughed so much and enjoyed spending time together. Things got intense towards the end of last year, feelings became involved or so I thought. We had a text conversation in October where I admitted to falling in love, he told me he wouldn't believe me unless i told him to his face. The next time I saw him I didn't tell him, he'd later text and say well you didn't tell me, you obviously didn't mean it. So the next time I did and he said the same. In fact more often than not he would tell me he loved me.

So fast forward. He has said some mean horrible things to me while in the A. We'd go out, I'd make an effort, he'd look me up and down and make some snide remark. I also currently have three very large bruises on my arms where he 'punched' me. Let me say at this point these were all done in a joking way, not maliciously. I can't believe I made and am making excuses. He now says it's because he was wound up.

Last week I had enough. I told him we were over. We've communicated since and I kept asking why if he said he had feelings did he treat me like that. He said he had trust issues. He never believed I felt for him what I said and therefore couldn't fully give himself to me. When I asked if he did love me he said to some extent he did. He wanted to believe what he was saying but he couldn't overcome these issues. He was trying to break down his barriers but couldn't.

I am done, at this moment in time I never want to see him again. I haven't blocked, can't bring myself to. He has text today twice apologising but I've deleted them and ignored him.

I'm so hurt and angry that what I thought we had was all a lie. I don't know why I put up with the mean words and bruises...who knows. I probably would've continued to. As i've written all this down i'm actually quite shocked at the extent of it. Why he did it, i'll never know but I can't seem to get past it.

Sorry for it being long.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 3:53pm
Hi Titchy. I am sorry you are going through the pain of ending again. I hope that this is the last time for you because you truly deserve to be free of this.

Whatever his issues are, it is not your fault and you can't fix them. It is never OK to made snide remarks or hit someone. I don't care what he was "going through", that is bullsh!t.

If you can commit to this ending (and we would love to help you), it will be hard but it will be worth it.

For me, even though my xAP is a good guy (and one of my closest friends for years before the A), 10 months out I have come to see that I hated who *I* had become during the A.

Walking away was very empowering. Once I walked away from the A, I never went back. And it felt good. I waan't going to be that woman any more. And then I walked away again, after a misguided attempt to be friends.

My other friendships don't make me feel that way. Needy and nuerotic and constantly wondering what it all means.

No thanks.

If you are really "done" then you can do this.

Hugs to you.
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 8:53pm
TItchy....welcome back. I think we may have crossed timeframes on here...but I have been where you are. I have had bruises, had terrible things said to me. Looking back I can't believe the woman I became to accept such treatment. Let this be the end. That IS NOT love, I don't care what barriers he was trying to overcome. Ugh. That is such a line. I heard that too. I am so sorry you are going through this and we can all help. Hugs.... Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 6:24am
Thanks both. Yes I am truly done, I want to move on and want to be that person I was before this. It seems a long way off but I am sickened to think of some of the things I stood. I never admitted to anyone the extent of the things he did, maybe I didn't see it until now. I would never have stood this from a man so why did I from him? I have read about narcissism, he is without doubt a true narcissist.
I've thought to myself before we can stay friends, we had a great connection...but no we can't it was all lies.

I can't block I don't know why but I can't. He's text me again and I will continue to ignore but I don't know why I can't block.

I'm reading and making myself keep busy. Ugh, I feel so sad though. Sad that I am still distant because he is consuming my every thought with hundreds of questions going through my head about what it all meant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 9:32am

titchy, I am a long time poster/member on the EAS board. And now first time poster here. I've been reading for ages and when I read your post, bells went off. I want to chime in with my 2 cents worth as I feel I've been in your same position of wanting to block but can't. I finally got off the roller coaster a long time ago and life is so much sweeter now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 9:50am
Thanks Bandk. Yes I have asked myself the question and I don't really know. I would never ever let myself be dragged back into this A like I have been before but maybe I wanted to know he still thought about me, wanted to know I was ok. I work with him so thought he could still contact me if I blocked anyway.

Well maybe now is the time to take control. He has text one after another today. Are you ok? Why are you ignoring me? I really hope we can get through this? Get through what, there is nothing left to get through! Since he sent those I feel sick, I can hardly breathe and am just sitting here reading them wondering what it is he wants to 'get through'. They are making me feel worse so you're right I do need to take control...why is it so hard though! I know what I need to do...thanks.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 11:08am
Hi titchy, and welcome to the board.

Absolutely you can join us here - we have some great posters here, who can help, and you will find some wonderful support here.

I think that you can probably count on him continuing to text you and try to get through to you (and get to you) in some way or another. Because see...you said that HE had ended things a bunch of times - but that this time, YOU were the one to end it. And my guess is that you being the one to take control over the situation will not sit well with him.

Abusers do not like to let go of their control. And I don't care how fabulous he is at times - if he hit you, that is abuse. Jokingly? But then later said he was "wound up" - these two things are not compatible with each other. Do you see that, sweetie?

And, the verbal put-downs are also abusive. So, it sounds like he's two for two - both physical AND emotional abuse that he's dealing out to you.

Because why, again? Right...because he has trust issues that he can't get over. Because he doesn't believe you. Because blah blah blah.

Frankly, the only true answer to the question of "why did you act like that" should be "because I'm an a-hole." But he didn't say that, and likely never will. Instead, he'll fill your head with excuses, with reasons - but funny, it sounds like some of those "reasons" come down to it somehow being YOUR fault.

Um, no. NOT cool.

So here's the thing, Titchy. I think that for you - in your situation, that blocking him right now would be a very good thing. If the idea of that freaks you out - then you can look at it as a temporary thing, if that makes you feel better and gets you over this initial hump. Yes, since you work together, you will still have to deal with him on some level, so for you, blocking texts and calls isn't a perfect solution.

But, seeing his texts is making you feel sick. You're reading them, and wondering about them, and obsessing over them. And every time a new one comes in - you end up sick and wondering and obsessed all over again.

If what you are doing (allowing the texts to even come through) is making you feel WORSE - then you need to stop doing that. Never mind any of the side issues, of what blocking will mean, how he will take it, what is holding you back from it, why you don't feel ready to do it - never mind all of that. There will be time enough to work through all of that stuff, trust me.

They are making you feel worse - and that is the only reason that matters right now. And seen that way - it should be a simple decision, right? I know - not really, but it was worth a shot! :)

The thing is, sweetie - this isn't going to be some quick process. There won't be any easy fixes or fast solutions. It's a journey - and it isn't one that you will start and be done with in a day, or in a week, or in a month, There are ups and downs, and good days and bad days, and setbacks and alternate routes and wrong turns, and very few of us here or anywhere have managed to walk the path in a straight line and do everything perfectly.

But, you have to start somewhere, honey. You can't begin the journey without taking that first step. It has to begin somewhere - and you're the only one who can control your feet, and take that very first step.

I promise you though - that all of us are right here, waiting to walk with you. To keep you company on the path, to help you navigate it, to help you avoid some of the dangers and pitfalls waiting ahead, and to carry you over some of the rocky spots, if that's that it takes. We want you to succeed, Titchy. Not for us - not for our own sake.

But for yours.

I know that thinking about that first step is scary, sweetie. But I promise you that it isn't nearly as scary as the idea of staying in the bad place you're at right now.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 11:09am
Hi bandk,

Nice to see you here. :)

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 7:52pm
Titchy.....I see so much of myself in you. My xAP was diagnosed with NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder) by his therapist. I heard it from her own mouth. The people that they leave in their path of destruction need help. Bad. I tried N/C 5 times, he got through many ways, and then things got really ugly. Please block and don't look back. I found a therapist who deals with narcissistic people and those they hurt. I am in a very intense program with her. It is tough tough stuff. I am here...I have been where you are...and it's a very tough journey. The people on this board are part of the reason I am here, alive, today. My journey is still a work in progress, but I am seeing that woman I used to be, and a stronger one mixed in with her. It is possible!! Hugs to you! You are really on my mind. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 9:15am

Kim, thanks for your words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 10:39am

Morning Titchy

I'm sure you realize that this is all ego at play on both sides, right?


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