can a marriage be stronger after an affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2012
can a marriage be stronger after an affair?
10
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 3:53pm
Can a marriage be stronger after an affair? I just can' t see how it can be stronger? Any advice on this matter would be appreciated. So distraught over my indiscretions. I hope my husband can forgive me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 6:11pm
I think it can. We survived D-day and I have to say are so so much better now than we were a year ago, before D-day. I was just posting about journal entries I found from last year. I was a wreck, depressed, angry at my H, resentful... A year later, after D-day, counseling, fidelity and working hard our relationship IS better. I may not be in the best place to advise; I do still struggle, as I often come on here and post about. But overall, if asked are we better now than before the A and D-day, the answer is a big YES.

And I think I just really realized that. It was hard to see the light a year ago.
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 8:35pm
A resounding YES comes from me as well. Though it is not easy, and takes a ton of work, a marriage can truly be rebuilt after the pain and anguish of an A. As Miss said, the struggles are still there - I think the struggles are so necessary though to the whole process of coming into the clearing. It is through fire that we are refined!! And when we look back, (that is awesome you found your journal, Miss!) we can see the results of that purification and refining that the fire brought. :)
I have also been through a D-Day, brought on by none other than xap himself. So, I have not had to worry about fishing from him!

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 6:46am

Hi lost. Welcome to the board. In general, in a lot of cases, I think absolutely. It isn't an easy path and it is paved with sometimes overwhelming pain for both spouses but it also is filled with hope and when both spouses are prepared to put in the work, it can be an incredible journey of self discovery and the rediscovering of eachother.

I hope you come back and share your story. Sometimes it helps getting it out there and getting the support as you process through all the different emotions.

RTMO

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 1:33pm

I am going to say no, but...

depends on what you mean when you use the word "stronger."

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 3:17pm

What if the marriage wasn't rock solid to begin with? Mine wasn't, or I wouldn't have been susceptible to an A.

Now, compared to a year ago, after going through A, and working on our relationship post D-day and lots of counseling, reconnecting, re-evaluating... my H proving how there for me he truly is for better or for worse...Me taking the time to learn, grow, suffer for my actions and do what I can to make him (and me) happy, I would definitely say our marriage is more impervious to destructive forces than it was when I was in an A. One year ago, I was looking for rebound As. I was disconnected. We were disconnected. Our relationship was shaky and very much vulnerable to outside forces. It is for sure stronger now.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 8:49pm
Hi lost, and welcome to the board!

Yes a marriage can absolutely be stronger after an affair. It isn't easy, for sure - but it is totally doable.

If you use the "house" analogy - yes, the foundation has been damaged, and now the house is shaky and off-kilter. But there isn't anything that says that you can't rebuild from the ground up, that you can't knock the whole foundation down and start over and build a new, sturdier one, if you're both willing.

Have you had a d-day, sweetie? Where are you in the process? How are you doing - are you okay?

Hugs,

Kim



    

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2012
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 6:41am

Thank you for all your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 9:11am

Hi Lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 12:40pm

MissE - well, I guess in your case, maybe you can/will build a better, stronger foundation than you had, as Kim suggests.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 2:10pm
I hear you, mmwill. And you know what? i don't know really what my H is thinking about everything after all this time. I see someone who seems to have all but forgotten anything we went through last summer. For all I know, he is secretly still angry, untrusting, resentful... he does not show any of this in his words or actions though. I'd ask him but I am afraid to even bring it up when we've been coasting along so nicely since then. There was a time I mentioned how I was feeling about it, after we had already discussed, and he got angry ("THIS again? I thought you were past him" etc etc). So perhaps he is an under-the-rug-sweeper.

Every situation is different. I very much appreciate the perspective you have from your own experience and your views and opinions on the breaking of trust in general. We all have different relationships with our spouses/sig others. We all got married under different conditions and probably levels of readiness to go all in and commit. My T identified that I have a commitment issue tied into my intimacy issue - something preventing me from being able to really go 'all in' with someone wonderful and available like my H. So, yeah our foundation was not absolutely perfect on our wedding day giving us, in our specific example, a chance to build one that was stronger than it had ever been to begin with.

As you say your M will now always contain the extra caution and bit of doubt on the part of your W, I do agree that has simply got to be there after any A, I am sure my H feels it, and as for me, I carry around this burden of guilt and confusion over what I experienced. So, yes that will always be there like a scar you can't fully erase but, that I hope should not outwardly affect how we relate to one another from now on. Hope I make any sense :) and thanks for your input.