can't get over him . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
can't get over him . . .
40
Tue, 05-01-2012 - 8:49pm

Okay.  Please be nice, because I am already suffering from a bad decision.  I need advice.  I was in a very bad relationship with my husband who constantly told me to leave and move out.  I love him like crazy! I was under a lot of stress in grad school, and I became hard to live with I admit.  But when my marriage turned bad and we fought constantly, hurtful, hateful fights, I got lost and depressed and very sad and confused.  His best friend started to chat with me on a social network, and I had been fighting an attraction to him for years.  I had avoided him, because I found him very attractive.  When he started to talk to me, it was friendly at first, but I when I started to talk back, we started to flirt and participate in sex texts.

Next thing I know, for 4 months, we texted every day.  We are both married.  I knew I shouldn't, and so did he.  We weren't looking for an affair.  We weren't looking for anything permanent, just a distraction.  So his wife found out, before we broke off our relationship.  He was instantly gone.  We stopped texting immediately, which was the right thing to do.  Our spouses are hanging in there, and that is a good thing.  The problem is, it's been 2 months since I've talked to him, and I am still hurting.  I can't talk to anyone about it, can't cry about it, because I don't want anyone to know.  It hurts.  He lives a mile from me.  I miss him terribly, but I know it's for the best that we stopped, and that we both get back to making our own marriages stronger.  It doesn't help the hurt.

I feel like a normal person does in a normal breakup, but my situation is not a good one, because we are married, and we shouldn't have gotten involved.  What do I do?  How do I grieve a relationship that shouldn't have been, when I have to deal with it all by myself and not let my feelings show?  My husband is hurt enough, and he's trying to be good about it, even to the point where we are getting along better than we ever have.  I want to stop crying over this guy! This relationship should have never happened! I want to get over it! Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Re: can't get over him . . .
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 9:44am

Hi everyone :smileyhappy:

I'm back again!  I can't believe I would ever put myself through this ever in my lifetime, but here is the newest problem.  I am at a stage now where the guilt is overwhelming.

When I said about talking to the AP's wife, I was told that it was just to keep contact with him, and to become relieved of the guilt myself, so I am a little confused, being that I am denying, or not able to see the consequences of my actions, or to realize exactly for myself where my feelings are coming from.

I broke down crying AGAIN! In front of my spouse, because I have been consumed AGAIN! for the last 4-5 days with this stupid A.  He asked what I was so upset about, and I told him the A.  I have gotten far enough along, to at least be honest about that.

Anyway, I told him I felt so bad going to town by myself, because I am afraid that I will run into XAP's wife, and that will hurt too much.  I told him that I was hurt that I had caused her and my H so much pain.  He said the only thing I could do now to fix things was to call and try to talk things over with her.  But he emphasized, THAT IS ONLY IF NOTHING SEXUAL HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND THE XAP! And he always follows a statement like that with, "you said nothing happened, so nothing happened right?"

So, I thought about calling her and talking to her again, against all advice of everyone on the internet!! And then I remembered, oh, yeah, but sexual stuff happened between us.

And you know where that leads . . . guilt because I did hurt her, and she has the right to never speak to me or look at me again! Guilt because my H doesn't know everything that happened, because my M is (on the surface, and with the exception of the fact I'm still lying about all the details) better than it has ever been!

To compound the guilt, I talked to him about how bad I felt that I had texted his BF, and that they would never be friends again, which he countered with, no, that's not true, you said nothing sexual happened between you, and that you just were texting him and enjoying a friendship, and you said you never contact him, and you don't want him, so I don't have a problem with going to his house right now and talking to him.

Which leads me to my newest and latest problem.  If my H ever does contact him as a friend, like nothing happened, #1, my H is very sly, and he will catch the XAP in a lie, he will get out of him, one way or another, what REALLY happened, and my XAP is well aware of it, and I'm sure that's why he avoids my H, which hurts me so much, because they grew up together.

And #2, even if the truth never comes out, my H will look like a fool, because he will be hanging out with this guy like nothing happened and because I did not tell the whole truth, he has not had the chance to decide for himself how he feels about his XBF and how he should act, or how he should treat him.

So, here I go again, if I tell, I have to start the round of questions, anger, hurt, and fighting again, which is what I was running from when I had the A in the first place, and I truly don't think I have the resources for that! I won't see my T again til Wednesday.

If I don't tell him the truth, then I'm holding something back in my M.  Yet, in my mind, I still think it is best not to tell him the whole truth, because he would be hurt very badly! I am everything to him! It's hard to explain, but it's true! I am his life, and now that we aren't fighting anymore, he is back to his old self, the one who looks at me like I'm the most valuable thing he's ever had.  He brings me cards, he texts me from work, he buys me gifts, he takes me out on dates, we have sex all the time, and it's amazing! He tells me I'm beautiful constantly!

Please understand, everyone, I'm trying to find a very difficult, delicate balance! I know I never should have cheated, but i was honestly, in a place where I didn't think I could come back from.  This amazing H that I mentioned in the previous paragraph had turned evil, mean, abusive, was telling me I had to move out, had nothing to do with me, wouldn't look at me, etc.

And I know the A has made him think twice, and he is trying harder than he ever had before, but he is not too far away from the guy he has been through our 1st 20 years of marriage, and I LOVE having him back!!! I don't want to lose him again!

What do I do?  Any suggestions?  I don't know if telling the whole truth will help anything! If you guys could meet him, you would understand how devestating that would be to him and to our M.  So, besides, sucking it up, and leaving that couple alone, like everyone suggested, I don't know what else I can do.

I think my talking about remaining friends with that couple gets to him, and he will do almost anything for me, plus, once in a while, I think he misses his friend too, even though, he admits the guy was not his friend to  be texting his wife behind his back.  the problem is, I keep minimizing the situation, so I don't hurt my H, and he accepts it and it makes it look like less of a betrayal of his friend than what it really was.  His friend did betray him. You all have read everything that I did with tihs guy, and him with me, by all rights, my H should never have anything to do with him.  yet, because I say nothing happened, he may try to become friends with him again.  Oh, what a horrible web we weave, when we deceive the ones we love   :*(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2012
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 6:39pm
Hi, I'm new here. I mostly lurk.

kk, let me get this straight:

You had a 4-month A and you still obsess about it after 3 months.

First, has it ever crossed your mind that maybe your version of what happened is different from your XAP's version? In your mind, you two were good friends. But in your own words, he said you were his W friend, not his friend.

Your H, who used to be his best friend, and his own W said XAP is a womanizer. They must know him better than you could ever do. Probably he doesn't even think much about the BJ that you obsessed about. The emotional connection you thought you felt with him was probably just his play to get to your pants. He said you two were meant to be and then said "never mind". That's the oldest play in the book. Didn't he also say you were easy? He said he cared but not in the way that you wanted him to...isn't it obvious what he meant by that?

Three months on, you said you still missed the friendship. But you were never really friends with him or his W. A real friend will NOT do what you did. Sorry to be blunt about it. We all make mistakes, true. But a real friend who made mistake would not insist on shoving youself in his W's face just because you "miss" the friendship. A real friend would step aside because it would be better for the W not to see you or have you in her life anymore.

Please correct me if I'm wrong..but you are not exactly in your early 20s anymore, are you? Yet you act like a lovesick teenager. I don't read anything about his personality, how kind, loving, caring, or smart, or whatever he is. I read about how good looking you think he is, his muscle, his scent. It's LUST, INFATUATION at best. But NOT LOVE. I don't mean to offend you, I just go by what you wrote.

IMHO, your issues are deeper than just infatuation for this guy. You have been obsessed over this guy for almost as long as you have been sex-texting. Reading your posts, I can see the pattern: first you were grieving and depressed, and then you got angry at your H and W for "stopping the affair". Then you started bargaining...trying to keep the friendship. Could it be...you are all over place like this not because of you are in love with this guy...but because he is the first guy who rejects you? You claim to possess a beauty in the supermodel league, your H is the only man you have ever been. It must be tough to accept that there is one, and probably several more guys out there, who may still want to have sex with you but do not want to be with you. It is kinda obvious from your post about going to his house and demandind he leave her for you. I know you were in a really bad place back then, but it didn't cross your mind that probably he is where he is...not because his W and your H are Juliet and Romeo's parents preventing you two from getting together? Probably he "tasted" you and like most womanizer...once they got their conquest on hook, they move on to the next one. Probably the reason why he refused to "go all the way with you' was not because he was anxious about the size of his junk (he did let you see it when you gave him BJ, didn't he?)...but because he wasn't interested anymore? And you take it really hard because you seem to have this belief of your sexual power over men...and yet, it doesn't really work on him.

So, IMHO it's not really about him...but these are issues about yourself, how you perceive yourself, how you measure your worth against. If you keep measuring your worth against men's reaction to your beauty, I'd wager that this wouldn't be the first and only time you would be sorely disappointed. Don't you think it's better if you base your self-esteem on things you can control? Like how successful you are at school? How kind you are to others?

All the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sat, 07-28-2012 - 10:00pm
Kk, you need to let it go. You had a d-day you chose how to handle it and what to tell your H. Now is the time to accept your choice. Telling your H is way to alleviate your guilt, but you are totally going to crush your H. Do you really think that will make your concious or this situation any better? You can move forward and make a good life with your H if you want, he is willing to work past this. Is a friendship with this man and his wife worth more then your family? You don't even know, if this woman will even talk to you again. You don't even know if trying to rebuild a friendship will work. So my question is again, what is most important to you? Where do you see yourself two years from now and who is at your side? You can make new friends, but once you blow the marriage up a second time, there maybe no going back.

I know many people will disagree and feel your H deserves to know the whole truth, but spilling the beans to alleviate your own guilt benefits no one in my mind.

Letting go of the attention and the dream of what you think you could have had is hard, but many people before you have done it and survived, you can to. I also agree with the above poster, this A is about you and trying to fill a void and your own issues of something you need, work on those things and let the friendship go.

If your H does become friends with this man again, you can pull away and the friendship will fade.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 4:51pm
So what is the quickest way to get to the point where he doesn't pop into my head with everything I do?
I'm actively trying to change my mind every time it happens now, because I'm driving myself crazy by not letting go. I don't actively try to think about him, but he still pops into my head. their lives were so intertwined with ours, that it just keeps coming up. I see them, or someone I know says something about them, and it just keeps hurting.
I don't sit around and fantasize about him anymore.
I have stopped the crying. When he pops into my head, I try to think of something else or try to remind myself that I have a great marriage now, a great family, and a great life, and he is not part of it.
But he still keeps creeping into my head.
I have changed the music I listen to, the way I drive to places, well, everything that actively reminds me of him, so I've already done that.
I just want this all to go away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2012
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 6:00am
Sadly, there is really no quick fix. As cliche as it sounds, TIME HEALS. You just have to ride this one out. As hard as it is to believe, sooner or later he won't pop into your head all the time. One day you wake up, you may forget how he looks like. Another day, you may go 24 hours without even a thought of him. And then finally, you will find yourself looking back at this time and wonder what all the fuss is about, chuckle at yourself, and keep doing what you do. It's a process and you will come out learning this: rejection sucks...but you can survive it. And oh...nothing good comes out of an affair of course :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 10:08pm
Seems like every time I have a good cry about this situation I get a little closer to letting go. I have too much to lose and nothing at all to gain by staying the way I am about XAP. My H has woken up and completely changed since this happened. He has become like he was the first half of my marriage. No, nothing will ever be more valuable than my relationship with my H or my family. Especially a friendship with my XAP or his W, I'm concentrating hard on my own life and family now. Really HARD!! What is important today and from this day forward is no longer XAP and his poor wife who continues to put up with her little skirt- chasing H, but my H who was hurt by me worse than any one else, so I hope this new focus becomes my new reality, because, after all, it IS my reality and I need to live and function in reality and not the fantasy world of an A!! You all are helping me more than you may ever know, even if you have just repeated my words back to me with your comments. I had not realized how far from reality I had retreated when I was going through pure hell in my life and marriage! Keep your comments coming please :smileyhappy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 11:32pm

KK, we can empathize with you and have lived with the emotions you are dealing with, we are here for you. Big hugs.

~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2011
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 9:32pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2012
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 9:52pm

For those of you who have been through a similar situation to mine . . . how do you get over the shame and hurt that comes from people who used to be my friends and won't even look at me and don't want anything to do with me . . .

also, knowing that your XAP and wife are mutual friends with a LOT of your friends and acquaintances, and the NOT knowing who knows, or who doesn't, what they know, and what they don't . . . rumors that might be spread that aren't even true?

Cause I keep telling myself to calm down and not assume anything, but I still wonder everytime I see a mutual friend or acquaintance, if they don't happen to smile, talk, or wave when they see me, or act like they didn't see me - it's sort of a shame and paranoid feeling all at the same time that I can't shake.

I keep telling myself I just made a mistake, but that doesn't fix the fact that I feel like I've got that so-called BIG "scarlet letter" stamped on my forehead and I'm having a really hard time with that.

I know I did what I did, no matter what my motives were or what level of affection I achieved from the guy, I still did it, and in a way I deserve to go through this, but having a tough time handling the fact that I MAY/MAY NOT be labeled a slut, whore, or homewrecker by those who used to respect me.  Because I'm not.  I am a stupid girl who made a stupid mistake.

I can't walk around with a sign that says, "hey, look, it could happen to anybody.  It was a mistake.  I'm in love with my H and we're working it out, and I didn't mean to be this stupid or hurtful, and I will never do it again."  Because THEY (whoever may think bad things about me) don't care.

Any ideas????  Please help :smileysad:

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 7:46am

I'm going to try this one.

It's all about feeling safe.  They expect to feel safe with friends and they are unsure about you.  As long as that doubt is alive, they will not trust you. No being SAFE.

Regaining the trust of friends is the hardest because you close down, you try to minimize the the A and yet everyone thinks that they no longer know you.  You are really the stranger that they have been warned about all their lives.  If they don't know you, they can't trust you. A key may be being as open as possible to others to somehow let them know who the real you is, if you know.  It's rebuilding those friendships from the ground up.  A start over situation.

It's also about you being accepting.  Accepting that they may not want to be friends with a cheater.  Their ethics may be a lot different than yours.  Their convictions may be different for many reasons.  Not wrong, just different.  If so, then there isn't much to do.

We don't realize how many lives our A's touch and how they touch them.  It isn't just about two people, it's about everyone in our lives.

Accepting that we have done a lot of people wrong, and make right what you can.  If you can't then you just have to move on. 

I think it is your job to make it right if you can.  Time and work can heal a lot of those wounds.  Most people are very forgiving.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

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