Can't shake this today.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Can't shake this today.....
8
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 9:39am

Ugh.  42 days of NC.  Stuck in the “I miss him” mode.  Remembering the “good times”, the “sweet times”.  Thinking he’s probably doing great now, doesn’t miss me, happy with his life and W, glad and relieved that we’re over, etc.

So, does this pass????  Because it sure feels like it never will.Cry

I have the afternoon off today from work.  XAP and I used to try to take Friday afternoons off and be together.  So why do I miss that today?  I mean, really?  What’s my problem????

And those of you that share that you are happier now, feel great, are enjoying life, etc.  HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT????

I pray to be able to say that……….someday?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 1:07pm

Hi Sunrise,

It’s understandable you’d be reminiscing if you and xAP did things together on Fridays and you have this Friday off.

Is there something you can do for just you today? Something to start building new recollections of Friday’s off?

<<And those of you that share that you are happier now, feel great, are enjoying life, etc.  HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT????>>

For me it’s because I’m in a much better state of mind then I was before, during and shortly after my A. Finding happiness and contentment with myself and where I’m at in life. I don’t want to paint a picture of a rose garden without thorns here. I have good days and bad days, ups and downs, peaks and valleys. It’s not all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns.  The big difference between now and then is how I feel now is not totally reliant on someone else. It’s more on me and where I’m at in my own headspace.

There is happiness outside of the A Sunrise. There can be for you too. It’s all about perspective. What do you think would bring you happiness outside of xAP and the A? What do you enjoy doing just for you?

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2011
Fri, 11-16-2012 - 1:24pm
You will be able to say that :) In my case it took a very long time. I am almost 18 months out and I still think about him and get wistful and face triggers. But - I am nothing like I was 42 days into ending when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I assure you better times are ahead. Something I do is create an environment that has absolutely nothing to do with him. The best way I can do that is by listening to a certain type of music, especially while I am working, like now, because sitting at my desk, sometimes my thoughts wander. For the most part, any and all types of music will remind me of him. Old stuff, stuff that was popular during the A (that really takes me back there), new stuff - not just 'love' songs - music in general. And I admit sometimes, I do sit here and let myself listen and think of him and just wallow! But there is one genre that never, ever reminds me of him - it is the favorite type of music that my best friends from back home and I used to love when we were younger, and it always without fail reminds us of each other when we hear it, and brings back memories of those friends and in absolutely no way makes me think of xAP or the A. It is very good therapy! Doing it right now!
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 4:27am

Hi Sunrise honey! I'm sorry you are having that Friday feeling and are struggling with thoughts of missing him. Friday afternoons were mine and xAP's times together too, so I try to avoid the situation where I have those thoughts by arranging lunch with a friend or doing a big supermarket shop, going to the dentist, the hairdressers, anything so that I have something organised on a Friday afternoon to avoid that trigger. I must admit though, sometimes when I am driving home on a Friday my heart does flutter with a memory of a previous time together, but then I have to give myself a reality check. What were Friday afternoons with him really like? Well, firstly I had to smuggle him into my house without my neighbours seeing him. Then I had to try and persuade him to have lunch and chat to me before going to mine and my H's bed, then we had sex, absolutely fantastic, then I had to try and get him to stay and chat to me whilst he tried to make a quick getaway "to avoid the traffic". And all along during our time together I would be sad and borderline bunny boiler, quizzing him about his life, his wife, trying to look for clues that we might have a future together and finding none, hearing how he loves his wife, how perfect she is, seeing his face light up when he talked about her, and me feeling like dirt, feeling inadequate, my self-confidence at rock bottom, feeling so desperate and miserable because of what I was doing and how I was feeling.

And when I say I am happier now Sunrise I am totally telling the truth, I am so much happier now, and when I look back at my time during my A I was so rarely happy, I had brief fleeting moments of happiness completely drowning in a sea of misery. I never want to go back to feeling that way again, I will never willingly subject myself to that level of pain and trauma again.

You will get through this Sunrise, you know there are ups and downs on your healing journey and this is one of your lower points, and you just need to remind yourself of the reality of your situation. I know it's my favourite saying, I'm always going on about the realiity of the situation, but it is the key. What was really happening then, what's really happening now, what's really going to happen in the future, think it all through Sunrise, put it into perspective and keep on moving forward. To borrow your own saying Sunrise .... "onward and upwards"Smile

[[[BIG HUGS AND POSITIVE ENERGY]]], lots of love, Soglad x o x o x

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 11-17-2012 - 8:36am

It's Saturday now, and I am late to the conversation. I'm sorry you were having one of those days. I hope it was just one of those days.

I thought you postponed your ending way too long, and suffered for it.  I think you are seeing the results of hanging on, keeping the hope alive and the damage it does. It is all a fantasy and it never changes. It is the same story, time after time.

A turning point for me was when I decided that I was done. Not that we were done, it was me. I made up my mind that I couldn't handle the hurt and the rejection anymore. I was just done. No matter how much I wanted the fantasy, the good thoughts of the good times, it was simply that I was done. It was over. I wasn't going back any more. Never! Done.  I don't know any more ways to say it.

Change what you do on those Friday afternoons.  Add something to your life that drastically changes it. Being proactive and forcing yourself to do something different, and that you don't want to do is the way that I did it.

It's about you and making yourself be accountable for what you do.

That and giving time, time. It works.

I still have triggers. I still rent way too much time in my mind towards her, but I accept that I am never going there again.

I have been NC for a long time now.  It took me a long time to admit that it was over and I was moving on.

You can do it.

Give healing time, time. It works.

 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:05am

Good morning.  And Happy Monday.

Thank you all for your responses and support.  My Friday didn’t go too well.  I kept myself busy, cleaned the house, laundry, paid the bills, grocery shopped, washed the car.  And, when my H got home from work, I found myself being resentful.  I was looking for him to acknowledge all I had done “for him” and, as you might expect, when we look to others for validation, we lose.  He didn’t say “all the exact right things” and being in my fragile (immature) state of mind, I got mad.  We exchanged angry words, he slept in the other bedroom.  Lovely. 

However, Saturday was a new day.  I spent time with my daughter, helping her shop and run errands, then I spent time with a friend that I am acting as a mentor for as she struggles with a personal issue.  It was a beautiful day outside and I went for lovely walk with my dog. 

And my H came home (he had to work) with a dozen roses and a card thanking me for all I do for him.  He has been working over 60 hours/week for months to complete a project by the drop dead date of Nov. 30 .  His “absence” has not helped the situation at all!  But, he was honoring all I have been doing to keep things going smoothly at home.  And he was sincere.

So, I made it.  It wasn’t pretty, but I made it through without any contact with XAP and, in the end, the truth was revealed.  My H DOES appreciate and love me.  AND, I CAN live without XAP.  AND, I am thankful that I didn’t have to spend time with XAP Friday.  Soglad, I thought it all through as you suggested.  Fridays with XAP left me empty…………so, so empty…………

And, Rather, you are so right about prolonging the ending.  Really frustrated with myself for that, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.  And I hang onto your words regarding the fact that I was done.  XAP wasn’t, the A wasn’t.  But, I was done.  End of story. 

Miss, I get what you’re saying about music that I shared with my college friends.  I will tap into that.  Awesome idea.  Awesome. 

E-1, I don’t think I have yet found happiness and contentment with myself.  When I am by myself, I feel so, so lonely and isolated.  It is awful.  I find that I am not able to rely wholly on myself for that happiness.  Grrrr…How do I get past that?????

 

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 12:31pm

Good morning, Sunrise :)

Sorry for the lack of green.

Maybe it's time you, yourself, acknowledge all you do...pick up a lovely bouquet of flowers, send a card to yourself "TO: Me FROM: Me FOR just being me and all I do.

If we don't know our own self worth and value, we can't expect someone else to calculate it for us.

Glad your weekend made a turn around.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 1:02pm

Hi Sunrise,

Sorry it took me a while to reply. I still don’t get any notifications there are replies on threads. Is anyone getting notifications or is that still out the window for now?

As far as feeling lonely and isolated when you are by yourself and not relying on yourself for your happiness, I think you would have to get to the core of why you feel that way/when you first started feeling that way  first with your T.  Once you understand why, it becomes clearer how to move forward. 

Also looking at your post brought a lot of thoughts to mind. You wrote:

<<I was looking for him to acknowledge all I had done “for him” and, as you might expect, when we look to others for validation, we lose.>>

Did you really do ALL those things only for him? Sure there was some benefit to him but weren’t you doing those things for you too? Didn’t you do some of those things so you could be productive and to take your mind off of xAP? Didn’t you benefit the most from doing those errands/chores on Friday?  Did you give yourself due credit for not contacting xAP (mission accomplished) and for being productive?

You mentioned your H works 60 hour weeks. Did you thank him for working so hard and putting in so many hours for the week when he came home on Friday?

I do get it Sunrise, you do/did a lot and you would like to know you are appreciated. I do understand. I think, though, it helps to be realistic. In other words, we can take our spouse for granted at times and we could all show more appreciation. Sometimes the key to getting appreciation is first giving a lot of it.

Also I wonder if what you did to a certain degree was a set up. A set up for you and for your H. Did you go through the chores on Friday thinking along the lines of he probably won’t even notice or say thank you? If you did, is it possible you were looking for a way to vent? Setting him up so you could get mad and take out your resentment out on him instead of xAP which you have posted a lot of resentment towards because of his deception to you during the A?

If there is a pattern here, it helps to understand why you do it. As you went through some of the chores/errands on Friday, where you keeping up some of the negative self-talk? Is this your way of proving you are not worthy? A see I was right sort-of mind set? Do you base your worth on what you can do for someone else? Do you have a reward system set up for yourself? If you do X, then you will treat yourself to Y?

Again, I think it is helpful to understand why you do what you do and if there are cycles or patterns which keep you stuck on a merry-go-round, it helps to see them so you have an opportunity for another approach next time.

All and all I’m glad to read you got through it the best you could and that you did not contact xAP. That in and of itself is a huge accomplishment. Continue to give yourself kudos for all you are accomplishing. Keep working towards the changes you are ready to make to find contentment, happiness and peace in your life.

Hugs,

E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 2:51pm

How are you today, Sunrise?

Love,

Kim