Check in time!

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Check in time!
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 11:42am

Hey babies!!


How are you?

I had a kind of busy week last week, and was not able to get here as much as I like - but I am hoping that this week will go more smoothly, and that I will be able to hang out with you more.

Meanwhile, how are you doing?  What's going on with you?  How are things on the boards for you?  Are you still having big issues, or are things going better now?

Does anyone have anything to share with the group?

Does anyone have any questions for anyone?

Does anyone need some support and TLC?

Talk to me...





iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 12:21pm

HI Kim and thanks for asking.  Most of my story lives on EAS however I am officially "after" now.  My xAP leaves today for his new life back  "home" about 1000 miles from me.    I've learned so much from all of you (and EAS) and am very grateful.  I thought when this day came (his leaving) that I would be crushed but I'm not.  I feel pleasantly at ease.  While I'm sure I'll still have a sad day here or there I keep telling myself that I need to focus on my real life.  That's where I need to put my energy.  Again, thanks for asking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 1:30pm

Hi Kim,

Thanks for the shout out!

I am having a tough time.  Been 40 days NC.  Starting to feel/see what the A was about.  And, it hurts.  A lot.  To think he never was going to leave his W for me.  And, it scares me and saddens me to think that I too was probably never going to leave my H for XAP.

But, I am feeling very used.

Just really struggling.  Will this sadness, fear, anxiety ever end??  Please remind me that I did the right thing in (finally) ending it!

And, I am bummed that more of our vets and regulars have not been on the boards much since the change.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 2:52pm
Hi Sunrise, I am pretty new here but sure feel your pain. I was the endee; not the ender but the feelings you express are very similar. Everyone has said things will get better with time and self reflection and things. I get mad at myself for not being there yet. It is soooo hard and I wish there was a magic wand to make it better. But I trust we will get there. And be better and wiser for it. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, rigt? In the early days I thought this would kill me. I felt like I was dying ...literally that my heart was breaking. But it is slowly getting better. I am glad we all can help each other. hang in there!! I am pulling for you!
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 5:30pm

Hi Kim! I'm doing OK but am taking a step back from the boards, partly because I'm not finding them so beneficial due to lack of feedback and also because I've kind of stalled on my journey. I know what I am supposed to feel, think and do about everything, but I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, I'm still having thoughts that I know I shouldn't ... i.e. that I was used and manipulated. I feel like I took the wrong turning on my journey, like I drove my car down a cul-de-sac which is chock a block with cars all around, and I haven't got the room to manoeuvre my car out of the cul-de-sac and back onto the main road, and it's taking me time to get myself out of this place and back onto the right track. Just telling myself that I need to do this and should believe that isn't working, because I just don't believe and think this and that, I believe and think what I believe and think, and so I'm stuckFrown

Avatar for blueclouds1627
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 6:55pm
Hi Kim. I happened to pop in today, and saw your post. Haven't been on the boards recently. I'm so discouraged with all the changes. I still can't log in from my phone. So, I can only cruise around when no one is at home..which isn't often. I'm stuck, as well. Feeling a bit depressed and hopeless. I feel like he's under my skin and I just can't shake him. I feel like he has become a part of who I am. I don't want to feel this way...I just do. I'm hoping to change jobs after the new year. I've been in touch with my old boss. She's been telling me there will be some openings soon. I know its the only way to move past him. It is so difficult interacting with him everyday. Part of me is angry and part of me is resigned to the idea of him always being in my life...unless something changes. So I have to make that happen. I can't go on like this for another 3 years...UGH....Sorry for the pity party.....I just feel sad today. My M has suffered and I have to make it right. Thanks for listening. BC
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 11:28pm
I feel like he's under my skin and I just can't shake him. I feel like he has become a part of who I am. I don't want to feel this way...I just do. Yup. I would say that pretty much summarizes where I am right now. I am going longer and longer periods of time where I think about other things..mostly work or family related.I even (gasp) find myself becoming lost in day-dreams that are xAP free..but then there he is in my real dreams. Out of nowhere..and we just talk and stuff. I wake up and think.'s a dream. After a's like his memory just lingers and won't go away. I am wanting to just create a cocoon of a life for a while. A cocoon that involves nothing but my family and work. Don't know if that is even remotely healthy or not. But it's where I am...and sort-of what I am doing. Work. Home. no mas. just, you know..breathing.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:25am

Hi Love!

So, how are you doing, now that the big move has happened?  Is there a sense of relief for you at all?

And, how is your real life?  :)  Are there things there that are difficult?




Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:34am

Hi Sunrise love,

I'm sorry that you're having a tough time right now.  It will get better - I swear it will.  And yes, you really did do the right thing, with imposing the real NC, and giving it all the final ending. 

What you were doing before was hurting you, sweetie.  And yes, I realize that this hurts too - but it really is and will be a different kind of pain, and, well...a healthier sort, as weird as that sounds.

This pain is cleaner.  When you were still doing the push/pull, sometime contact thing - well, there really wasn't going to be any end to that, was there?  It was like...taking a stick, and hitting the bruise that was there from the last time, and renewing it, and refreshing it.

And now, finally, the bruise will have a real chance to fade.  And it takes time, and it will take more time than you'd like it to - but it will fade, I promise.

By finally ending it - you said "enough of this".  You chose YOU, sweet Sunrise.  And you chose to stop hurting yourself in that way.

None of those are bad things, right?




Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:46am

Hi TS,

I'm so happy that you can see some progress in your journey already.  :)

Yes, maybe it isn't happening as fast as you would like it to - but it is happening!  So hang in there, and keep the faith, okay?




Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 12:28pm

So glad my love -

Yes, the boards are super quiet right now, and I am sorry for that.  I am, as is my nature, remaining positive and hopeful, that all of the big issues will be sorted out soon, and that people will return to posting.

So...about all of this "supposed to" business, my love...

Can we talk about that?

Where are all of the "supposed to's" coming from?  And all of the "I shouldn'ts" - what about those?

This is YOUR journey, sweet pea.  So you drove down a cul-de-sac - pfft.  It's not fatal, right?  It doesn't mean that you're doomed to stay there forever or anything, right?  :) sounds like to me...that where you are getting stuck is in the comparisons.  Believing that what you think or believe is somehow invalid because you haven't seen others think or believe that.

But, I can tell you - and I can say this with absolute certainty - that someone else HAS thought that, or believed that.  Whatever it is.  Maybe they are not as willing to put it out there, that they felt that way or thought that way or believed those things - but that doesn't mean that they didn't, it only means that they were not ready to put it out there.

Shame is such a big part of this "after" journey.  Feeling it, dealing with it, figuring out where it is coming from, and figuring out whether it is really even warranted.  Believing that there is only one true "supposed to feel, think, believe, do" path -- and that you are not on it -- will only really serve to increase your shame and self-loathing, and create a negative spiral of thoughts and emotions, and lead you to feeling like that "f" word that I hate so very much.

You know?

Own your experience, sweet pea.  And, if you find at some point that you have changed your mind, changed your way of thinking about it, gained some new perspective about it - well, what's wrong with that?  (Nothing!!)

Own what is.  Not what should be or what you think you are supposed to, based on someone else's experience or journey.

So, what do you think, so glad?  What do you believe?  And - how are you going to handle those thoughts and beliefs?  What can you do about them?

Hugs, love -