Close the first chapter before opening....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2007
Close the first chapter before opening....
3
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 6:34am

I joined this board eight yrs ago for support/advice/etc.

Now here I sit eight years later. Divorced because I had an affair. All of my doing.

I, personally, don't care what ones situation is at home....NO ONE should start an emotional or physical affair until you've closed the first chapter. I SO wish someone on this board would have told me that. Or posted how very difficult it was to be married and open the door to another, while still being married. I know of very few women, that once they've allowed their hearts and or bodies to be shared by another, who is not able to become emotionally attached to that second person. If you thought you weren't happy before, then the REAL emotional trauma begins once you've allowed another in. You're dealing with two men and two emotional bags and not having the slightest clue as to how to handle it or where to go for help....because lets face it, there are few people who you can confide your infideliety to.

I am divorced now and with the man I had the affair with. My current relationship is great. but it came at a cost of taking down one of the best men in my life, my husband. Our relationship had grown stagnant and I needed attention. Rather than to at least try to 'fix' my marriage, I decided to step outside of it. Now I live every single day knowing that I left my husband a broken man and not able to know how to move on with his life, it's hard to be happy knowing I did that to the father of my son.

 I am not certainly not judging, but having an affair is extremely selfish...I know that now.

My advice to anyone who hasn't stepped over into that next realm, if your marriage is unrepairable, at least close the first chapter of your life before going on to the next so you can enjoy it.

Good luck. M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 12:50pm

It's unfortunate, but had someone told you what you've written BEFORE you started your affair, you wouldn't have listened,would you?  You "knew what you were doing"......or so you thought.  Every time I see someone who is setting off on an affair, I predict the same ending you have had......and it's sad.  I was in a bad marriage, my ex was a serial cheater as well as an alcoholic AND a lousy father.  If anyone deserved to have a little "fun on the side" it was me.......but I knew that I had to live with myself, and I'd given him NO REASON to do what he was doing, and I wasn't going to ever give him a reason.  I married him knowing that he had emotional problems, but things didn't go downhill until 5 years and two sons into it.  I realized AFTER we got married and moved into the upstairs of a two family house, with his parents living downstairs, that his mother was a bitter angry woman (never did find out exactly why) who had two sons, the first one was PERFECT, and then there was the second one (that I married) drove her crazy from the day he was born.  He actually went out and played, and got his clothes dirty, was in trouble at school all the time, etc.  His older brother was actually a weird anti-social guy, with a family to match.  After we bought a house and moved away from his mother was when the trouble started.  I realized he had been a combination of "afraid" of his mother, and trying desperately to please her.  Once we moved away, and she couldn't see what he was doing, or see what time he came home from work, or that he'd been drinking........all hell broke loose.I put up with it for 15 years, and then divorced him.  A couple years of that time he worked out of town and I could have had all the affairs I wanted.....but I liked knowing that if and when it ended, none of it would be my fault.  Once I got divorced, it was a whole different story.  And that is how it should be.  But, most people think a little diversion will be fun, and then go back to being married.  As you know, it doesn't work that way in most cases.

As for your affair partner, now that you're a free woman, maybe things will change.  You only saw him as sexy and exciting, a change from your boring marriage.  Now you'll se more of annoying things, less exciting sex, more "reality".......which is never seen in an affair.  And I've always thought that if a man is willing to have an affair with a married woman, then he has no respect for the instiution of marriage, so why would he respect it if we married?  If nothing else, HE will be thinking "If she cheated with me, she will probably cheat ON me, too".  There has to be some lack of trust on both sides.  Whenever I read stories like yours, I just advise to FIX the problems at home (in most cases they CAN be fixed).  If they can't be fixed, then end the marriage before you go looking for something better, chances are what you find in desperation will NOT be better. 

I'm sorry for the breakup of your marriage, and I hope you will be able to move on and make a new and happy life for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 2:49pm

I'm almost in the same boat as you are but my divorce isn't even final yet but my husband filed for divorce back in January.  I am having such a hard time dealing with the guilt of what I did.  I should have just ended the marriage before I decided to find another man.  I can't hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore knowing that I was the one that broke my husband into a million pieces to the point he couldn't forgive me for straying.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 03-04-2014 - 3:43pm

Hi 

I'm sorry your affair took down your husband and marriage. I hope he gets the help he needs to heal.

Yes, affairs are selfish and show a lack of maturity, but you sound more mature now.

If you are wishing someone gave you a warning years ago when you came to the Boards, you must have presented yourself on the wrong affair board. Had you gone to the Ending an Affair Support Board, you would have received that warning a thousand times over. Perhaps you would have listened...perhaps not.

But thank you for taking the time to put it out here. One never knows who is listening, and I'd like to believe that some can indeed learn from others mistakes.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board