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|Sat, 01-21-2012 - 1:31pm|
Before the questions, thank you for all of the advice and thoughts and perspectives I've gotten from lurking and searching. Wow, you're all really smart and compassionate and it's really helping. Really a lot. I wouldn't have thought that being in an A would make a person more thoughtful and caring, and uh, I wouldn't figure that being thoughtful and caring would make a person likely to have an A, but here you are, a group of people more thoughtful and caring than the average bear, and you all had As. Go figure.
So, I'm not going to confess to my W. Not any time soon, maybe not ever. That's not the question.
I have thought about it though, and made my pros and cons list, because that's what I do. The reason not to confess is pretty obvious. It would hurt my W in ways I can't even imagine. I can not do that to her. I've hurt her enough even though she doesn't know about the A.
But there are some reasons to confess. First, it would be a relief. Yeah, well, sure, but I have been so incredibly selfish already, giving pain to her to get relief for me is a clear no brainer. No.
Second, the deception makes it harder reconnect with W and work on things. She and I both have been working on making our M better lately, mostly around stuff that was always there before the A. So that's good. Really good. But there's some stuff directly related to the A that needs some fixing, and she and I are in a really different place on that stuff and so she must just think I'm crazy sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all the effort she makes to fix things when she doesn't even know how much I broke it. So that's something to deal with, but no reason to go ruining her life over it.
So, finally, my question. How have people in a similar situation dealt with rebuilding a M while keeping this big giant secret from their spouse? I could use some tips.
The third reason to confess is the toughest one. I think she would want me to. I mean, I'm pretty sure if asked, my W would say she'd rather know. She'd rather face the ugly truth than be lied to. She might forgive me, or she might hate me forever, but she'd want to make that choice and not have me make it for her. I'm pretty sure that's what she'd say. But in the end, the reality of it, I mean I didn't just sleep with someone else, I fell in love with her. And I knew how much it would hurt her if she knew, and I knew how betrayed she would feel that I lied to her, and I still did it. Eyes wide open, I did a terrible thing to the person I love the most. That sucks. How is she ever supposed to trust me, or anyone else for that matter, after that? And we have a child. So if she decides she's done with me, that doesn't just mess up her life and my life, now it's our child's life too. And then she would have the burden of deciding whether to stay for the kid. So I just don't know what to do about reason number 3. I thought there was a second question here, but I don't know what it is.