A dare..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
A dare..
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 7:00pm

Okay..I am resorting to (of all things) facebook wisdom! Actually I've seen a couple random posts lately that have stuck with me. One was simply..sometimes your strongest day is the one that follows a night of crying. And I thought dang. in that case..most of us should have a pretty strong year or two coming;)

But then I read something about being unapologetically yourself. And got to thinking about how much I changed (or as stated in a post on EAS..slutted myself out) for xAP...but just in general. I turned into a chameleon of sorts. It was so...surreal. And with H being as sick as he is..I have been realizing how silly posturing, in any form is. Generally speaking. So this is my dare to you. Try it for a day?..then maybe two...three? See if you get a pattern going.

Spend a day being unapologetically yourself. If you want to do something. Do it. If you don't want to do something. Don't. (as long as noone is getting hurt!) Go ahead.

I dare you!

-Breeze. Who is hanging with the teens at the community center showing them how to build a car out of a mousetrap as she is dressed in dress pants, short-sleeve shirt and a scarf and winter hat..even tho..it is like not cold outside. Why? Because she wants to wear a scarf and hat! And you know what? no one has even noticed, much less cares. Really is kinda freeing.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2012
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 9:43pm

Well blow me down if this works!!! Its LilyFlower...aka hockeymom!!! and I have been trying to log in for months...and finally had to create a new name and this name fits me now...cuz every day I shine brighter and brighter!

Breeze I love the facebook quote! But it is true isnt...some of me weakest moment where I just broke down crying actually would give me days of feeling better...so when I want to cry...I let it all out cuz I know I will only feel better!

And I will take you up on the dare! I was in the same boat...and I def have changed that...trying to do what I want to do because I want to!!!.  I have realized that even after the A I have been doing what would be in the best interest of XAP...and now I realize screw that..what about ME!!!!  Now I am doing things for me..and no one else and if you dont like it...to bloody bad.


Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to: ratherbeme
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 8:05am

I wanted to just stop for a minute and I think I am doing what you are just starting.

I have thought about it as being selfish. Not in the A type of being selfish, but all around selfishness. Maybe selfish is too strong a word.

I realized no one was going to look out for me, like I would.  I stick up for my self.

You have probably seen me mention about doing things for you.  Don't do it for anyone else, just you. Put your self in the number one position and everyone after. 

It works in making you feel better. It gives you a drive to independence. 

I have taken the heat because I am a man, and get lumped together with the sociopaths, losers and those who just like to fool with other peoples emotions. I don't think I am.

Since I am already doing it I can't accept your dare. 

Be strong. Be you. It is a tough journey.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 10:32am

Rather..I don't think it's selfish..I think it's what we were created to be. I finally realized that I was not created to accomodate and please or entertain others.I have been raised to put others needs before my own. and really, in the end, that is a no win situation for everyone.  I was created to just be me. I don't mean..at the expense of others type of thing. Like ShineBright. there were times when the only reason i stuck to ending the A (in the first few months) was for the benefit of xAP and my H and his wife..I wasn't even in the equation.  I have spent my entire life playing roles....caregiver, "perfect" daughter, musician, academician, homeschooling mom, social worker, etc. ..and then of course all the nonsense that came with A. The A where I just took all responsibility for my life and handed it over to xAP..not that he asked for it. I was just done.

I just want to shed all the labels..be who I am..without feeling like I have to fit a role? And for the first time in my life..I realize it's not just okay. It's kinda what we are all called to be...you know..embracing my inner geek kinda thing.

To be truthful..I always thought I was being true to myself...but it hasn't been until I've looked long and hard at the questions in my identity...filled in the gaps, so to speak..so maybe..the tough part of this is knowing who you are in the first place. And then..the dare part..which is simply trusting your understanding of yourself and not hiding that self from the world at large. giving yourself permission to be who you are meant to be. no apologies.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 11:42am

>I have taken the heat because I am a man, and get lumped together with the sociopaths, losers and those who just like to fool with other peoples emotions. I don't think I am.<

Who are these people who have said this of you!  I will kick their ass!  I will ya know...just say the word.


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: justkim2007
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 1:42pm

I can't take the dare either, because I am already doing it.

I am me, and wherever I go, there I am.  :)

I think that the word "selfish" gets a bad rap.  Too often, it's used as a label by others, and we take it, and internalize it, and end up feeling horrible.

But I think it's important to think about some things.  Who is using that label on you?  And, why?  Are they saying that you are selfish because you aren't doing what they would like you to do?  Are you selfish because you are putting your needs ahead of theirs, and they are resentful of that?  Are you labelled selfish because they aren't getting what they want from you?

Look at the source, and then decide whether the label *truly* fits - or whether it is just a way to manipulate you, and control you.

I think that some people go through life with the idea that there is some sort of "balance sheet" being kept, somewhere.  And they figure that yes, right now they are putting others ahead of them on that sheet - but that at some point, it will swing around, and it will be *their* turn.  If you have kids, you've probably had the thought cross your mind that at some point, when they graduate high school, or college, that it will be "your turn" - that you will be able to do those things that you've put off, that you won't have to put their needs ahead of yours any longer, that you will finally be able to do that thing you've always wanted to do, but couldn't because it conflicted with someone else's needs.

I think it works like that in a marriage or relationship, too.  Where you do things or don't do things because there is a conflict, because it isn't convenient for the other person, because what they need or want seems to be much more important or necessary than what you need or want.

And again, you wait it out, and you figure that your sacrifice will be noted down on that balance sheet, and that sooner or later, the columns will be totalled, and they will SEE that it is so obviously your turn, that your column is so much smaller than theirs, and you will get your shot.

And then...you don't.  Things happen.  LIFE happens.  And the seeds of resentment are sown, and I think all of us would agree that nothing good ever grew from those particular seeds.

Take your turn.  Don't wait for permission.  Don't wait for someone to notice that they've had three turns to your one.  Don't wait for the columns to be added up.  Don't wait to come up short, again.

Be who you are.  Without shame, without apologies.  Being you doesn't have to come at anyone's expense...



Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: justkim2007
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 2:36pm

I...don't know what just happened here.

I wrote a reply.

Hit post.

And...I do not see the reply.


It's a shame, too - it was an awesome reply.  :(

(Hey, am I invisible?  Because if I am - I swear I will only use my powers for good.  Or to mess with people.  Either/or.)



Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:45pm

Hi everyone! I'm going to take the challenge too, though to be honest by spending so much time on these boards I had already realised that a major mistake I was making in my life, and have in fact always made, is putting everyone else before myself, trying to make everyone else happy, being a people pleaser, basically being a doormat. And I have realised that this was a huge contributing factor to me having an A, because I resented all that, I had made myself very unhappy, and so I went looking elsewhere for someone and something to make me happy, and as a result made myself even more unhappy. So, great point RB, we do need to be unapologetically ourselves and be kind to ourselves, and invest in ourselves, and accept ourselves for who we are. I am doing that, and it's so liberating. It's not exactly making me very popular at work, because I am standing up for myself more, no longer being the doormat, the worm has turned, and it's a shock to the system for my work colleagues, but I am far less stressed out at work!

And I agree with all the other ladies about our precious male presence, the wonderful Rather. There is absolutely nothing selfish about Rather whatsoever, Rather you are kind, giving, so supportive and helpful, yes you are Mr Blunt but you are just telling it like it is, you give us the truth, without the female flowery lovey-dovey touch, and it's good for us to have the cold hard facts presented to us. Many a time Rather your fabulous posts have given me an awakening moment. You know I am not a fan of tough love, but I don't find Rather's posts to be tough love, they are worded in a way that isn't harsh or overly critical, not mean or bitter and twisted, they don't get my heckles up, they make me listen, absorb, contemplate and understand.

You have a lot of fans here Rather, and a lot of ladies with very shiny bootsWink

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 3:19pm

 I am going to take the dare and prove to RB that she is not a thread killer ;).  I see this dare as something lighter than the "heavy" discussion about selfishness.

Clarity, I don't think anyone on these boards call RBM selfish, but I'm sure you'll keep shining your boots in case someone needs a good kick in the butt.  RBM has been more than very giving and not selfish at all by sticking his neck out in these women dominated boards.  He has not shown any resentment or whiny behaviour at all the perceived male bashing that can go on in some postings.  Ending an affair hurts, most of us go through a period of blaming xAP and hating xAP and our perception of what happened in the A is only that, a perception of what was.  That's a fact.  Most of us are woman, most of our xAPs are men, RBM is a man, RBM is no one's xAP, I have no idea where I'm going with this sentence so I'll just stop.  RBM is not selfish.


Edited to correct some grammar and change less for more