Does the good outweigh the bad? A confession
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|Thu, 06-28-2012 - 3:57pm|
I read a book recently that talked about what criteria give you the best chance for marital success. My H and I meet most of them. We have similar morals, religion, ethnicities, education levels, political views, economic status, and ages. We share friends and a social network that is supportive of us. Both my parents and his are still together. Our children have no major health problems, we are both gainfully employed and make ends meet financially. In other words, the odds are ever in our favor. This made me feel really optimistic when I read it. On the flipside, it made me feel like if my M doesn't succeed, I have absolutely no excuse. I have no one to blame but myself.
Here's the problem. I feel like I would fail myself by leaving, but that I am also failing myself by staying. I am not at all physically attracted to my H. And I am finally (after many years) coming to the realization that this is probably never going to change. I care about him. I love him deeply as a member of my family, as the father of my kids, as my friend, as my partner. But I don't miss him when he's gone. I don't enjoy being intimate with him. I don't feel romantic love for him.
He tells me often how in love with me he is and how that has never changed, how attracted to me he is, how much he wants to be with me. Everytime, it just makes me feel more frustrated and more like $hit.
On the other side, there are so many things that make me happy about being M to him. I like spending time with him, I like doing things as a family and seeing how happy and secure it makes my kids. I like how supportive he is of me, my work, my interests. I like that we can make each other laugh, that we are building a family and a home and a life.
So I choose that. Which also means that I choose to live a lie in some ways every day. I choose to pretend to be a little happier than I am about things that I know expressing my dissatisfaction wouldn't change. I choose to leave a lot of things unsaid. I accept that I may never have an orgasm again without battery operated assistance.
As someone on a steady diet of messages about being authentic and living my best life, this doesn't sit well with me. However, I see it as the lesser of two evils... better than breaking up my family, causing major stress and instability in the lives of my H, my kids and myself, forcing our friends to choose sides and only seeing my kids half the time. I see it as better than trying to rationalize leaving my family when my H has basically done nothing major wrong, we don't fight all the time and the only major issue is that i'm not feeling it and haven't in nearly a decade. So, I stay. I'm not sure if that makes me sensible or crazy; strong or weak; noble or misguided.
The one thing i do know is that there is no easy answer, and sometimes I do better at managing than others. I know that life is much harder and more complicated than I ever thought it would be, and that I have let myself down in ways that I didn't think were possible twenty years ago.
I know this is sort of a random post, but I mostly wrote it in case there is anyone else out there in a similar situation who feels alone. Also, I just needed someone to know the truth.