Up & Down
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|Thu, 10-10-2013 - 9:11am|
Soooo many weeks have passed that I think I really should be well and truly over Mr Swan. The actual A didn't last as long as we've been apart now; he's moved on with another woman, I have my own problems.
So why do I still miss him so much?
My rational mind knows that it's not HIM I miss; it's the person who listened when I talked, who told me I was beautiful, who stood in my corner and cheered. It wasn't real - any of his support or friendship - but it still hurts so much that he isn't here and he didn't mean any of it. Vain, selfish creature that I am, I can't understand how he COULDN'T want me !!!
On the flip side, my life is not going to plan. Long talks with DH have resolved nothing, and only realised my worst nigtmare that he would turn into a hissing, spitting ball of hate that I should want to leave him. I know his pride is hurt, I know he's lashing out at me; but how much do I have to put up with? At what point can I say "I tried, it didn't work, I'm going?" Trying to talk to someone who only ever tells you how wrong you are is very, very tiring. Trying to make things amicable for the sake of DD is going nowhere. Counseling is a no-go (he's not going to air his dirty laundry in public !?) so I really feel I have nowhere to go from here.
And in the middle of all this, my feelings for Mr Swan are still there. Still messing with my head and making me cry. Some days ARE better, I do know that they will continue to get better, but I'm so caught up in the horrible drama that it is wearing me out.
How do I get out of this mess?