Up & Down

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2013
Up & Down
Thu, 10-10-2013 - 9:11am

Soooo many weeks have passed that I think I really should be well and truly over Mr Swan.  The actual A didn't last as long as we've been apart now; he's moved on with another woman, I have my own problems.

So why do I still miss him so much?

My rational mind knows that it's not HIM I miss; it's the person who listened when I talked, who told me I was beautiful, who stood in my corner and cheered.  It wasn't real - any of his support or friendship - but it still hurts so much that he isn't here and he didn't mean any of it.  Vain, selfish creature that I am, I can't understand how he COULDN'T want me !!!

On the flip side, my life is not going to plan. Long talks with DH have resolved nothing, and only realised my worst nigtmare that he would turn into a hissing, spitting ball of hate that I should want to leave him.  I know his pride is hurt, I know he's lashing out at me; but how much do I have to put up with?  At what point can I say "I tried, it didn't work, I'm going?"  Trying to talk to someone who only ever tells you how wrong you are is very, very tiring.  Trying to make things amicable for the sake of DD is going nowhere.  Counseling is a no-go (he's not going to air his dirty laundry in public !?) so I really feel I have nowhere to go from here.

And in the middle of all this, my feelings for Mr Swan are still there.  Still messing with my head and making me cry.  Some days ARE better, I do know that they will continue to get better, but I'm so caught up in the horrible drama that it is wearing me out.

How do I get out of this mess?


Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
In reply to: MrsSwan
Thu, 10-10-2013 - 10:54am

Oh I just love people who are so afraid of having to confront themselves that they refuse to go to counseling because "it doesn't help" and "I'm not going to tell my problems to a stranger!"  To recite the old Ann Landers & Dear Abby advice, if he won't go with you, then you go by yourself.

Therapists are amazingly good at helping you realize that what you are is quite normal and what you are experiencing is quite normal.  Once you've gotten out everything that stinks about your situation (DH is a spitting ball of hate, I'm so vain that I miss the attention that wasn't even sincere, etc.) you'll realize that you're pretty much like everyone else.  Which can be quite comforting when you feel terrible and can't find a way out.

Making peace with yourself and your own worst impulses is the first step toward finding your way out.  It may be that your H will never want to do the hard work of marriage and only wanted to skate along while things seemed pretty good, and you are better off without him.  Kids will not grow up happy in a house where their parents seethe with resentment at each other, and they certainly don't learn anything good about relationships that way. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: MrsSwan
Thu, 10-10-2013 - 4:18pm

I am with M.  I think all you can do is go to T yourself.  Unless you are done. And if so, then you need an exit plan and need to talk to a divorce attorney. 

If you are not done, maybe separation?  I don't necessarily think that will fix things, but sometimes the break helps a couple to find clarity that either they want to work on the M, or they don't.  Just one option. 

Remember also that depending where you live, you might be able to legally separate if the idea of being M is hanging one or both of you up. 

Hang in there, it will eventually get better, one way or the other. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: MrsSwan
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 12:36pm

YOu get out of the mess by making a decision (and following that decision) to get out of it.  Your life is not going to plan?  Then obviously your plan isn't working, and it's time for a new plan that WILL work.  He has turned into a "hissing spitting ball of hate" because you have the audacity to want to leave him?  Isn't that behavior part of the REASON that you want to leave him?  Trying to make things amicable for your daughter is going nowhere?  You don't make things amicable for your daughter, because you CAN'T......you get your daughter out of the mess, that will make her life and yours better!  He won't go to counseling?  So what, YOU go to counseling to get the gumption or backbone or whatever you need to just end the marriage, which is what you want to do.  How do you get out of this mess?  You make plans, you get a lawyer, you tell the hissing spitting ball of hatred that "it's been fun, SEE YA" and you go, or he goes.....depending on what the lawyer does for you.  You get out of it by getting out of it!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: MrsSwan
Sat, 10-12-2013 - 7:38pm


I suggest going to individual counseling to get yourself on solid ground and support in making whatever decision needs making to get you and your daughter in a peaceful and healthy environment.

And, I'd also re-sign up with ivillage and drop the Mrs Swan.  Seeing it every time you sign in is only a constant reminder of who you are not and never will be.  I'd pick something strong and powerful and life affirming...then let us know it's you :)

If reality isn't panning out as you wish, it's easy to slip back into the fantasy of your affair...it's understandable.

Sit with a therapist, get a plan going for your future, and keep your eyes forward.



Community Leader,

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