Ending a Relationship: NC or eMail?
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|Thu, 12-05-2013 - 4:27pm|
What is the best way to end a relationship, that is no longer an affair?
I, the unhappily married male, met the happily married woman online in an Internet dating site in July 2011. She said the reason she had created the profile was to find mate(s) for her friends. But, all other demographic details were hers and not her friends’. She sent fake photos of hers initially, fake location of where she lived, fake skype login name. We got to chat, I would say she pursued me more than I pursued her intially. With time, she told me that she is an expat, living in Europe and with very little digging, that was true. She is a busy professional and travels all over the world on business trips, and spends about 60 days in a year in hotels. Her hubby owns a business and has to travel too. During the summer months she came to visit her family in USA, and we got real close to each other, though we never met. She did finally plan a business visit to US in winter of 2011 when we met and had a wonderful time together for three days.
She went back to Europe, and it was glorious time emailing and texting back and forth. We stopped chatting since she was too busy. I used to send her gifts and she used to send me postcards from her travels. Within a couple of months, her communication started dwindling. The dwindling communication was attributed to her being VERY busy. I kept quiet, not sure about what was happening at her end, and, I started to get more and more anxious. As far as I was concerned, I was committed to the relationship. Once she briefly mentioned that guilt waxes and wanes. Sometime in July 2012 (when she is hardly busy at work), her family was away on a holiday, and even though she was home alone, she really did not want to chat or communicate much. Within a few weeks of that, I could not take it and told her that we need a curfew of about a year and she was totally okay with it.
Five months later, I was missing her terribly and broke the curfew. I sent her a gift. She replied back after a month, stating that the reason she was communicating less was that she was feeling very, very guilty and becoming increasingly paranoid about her husband finding out. She also said that she was enjoying the hiatus since communicating with me was adding to her stress. According to her, she would love to communicate with me, if it was less intense, with no expectations of daily communications, and no gifts and that intense relationships are not good for marriages. It was obvious that she was coming back very reluctantly.
We continued our communication, albeit slowly. She would email me about twice every week, and I would reply back promptly at first. I stopped the texting after we came back from the curfew. Her lack of communication was once again depressing to me. With time, the frequency started decreasing. She did not get in touch with me on days she landed in hotels, rather after 3 days, very often, just before checking out. I did send her a BDay gift, which she did not acknowledge immediately (but, that could be that I was on a vacation for three weeks and was not checking that email). After coming back from the curfew, when we are on vacations, we don’t correspond with each other.
Since I was getting more and more anxious, I wanted to make this totally symmetrical. If she replied back in 10 days, I would reply back in 10 days, etc. This went on for about three months. Nearing my BDay, she had not replied to my email for 25 days.
On my BDay, she did not send me a card. I kept on logging and logging, but nothing came. After about a week, I get a gift from her at work. A simple “Happy BDay!” I thanked her and asked her why no simple message wishing me for my BDay and why no emails for such a long time. Her reply (with redactions are given below):
Hmm, I thought I had sent you an email answering your last email and wishing you a happy Bday but I don't see it. Sorry about that. All my computers are having issues - … including, husbands, and the girls’ from time to time so of course can't be sending you emails from those. So I thought I did send a happy bday message from my work account (which I quickly deleted) so not sure what happened!
Very sorry and hope you had a nice bday! The colleague is sharing this computer and the office laptop with me and I'm paranoid I will forget to log off properly with all that's going on.
The thing about this is that she has never emailed me a single thing from her work account, ever. Usually, BDays are cards and not a message. This email sort of opened my eyes cause she is surely telling lies. I don’t know why she did not reply to my email, don’t know why she did not send me a BDay wish. All I know is that she lied. This was a huge blow to me and I started examining every other statement of hers, and I see plenty of lies (and many of them may not be lies), including being very busy. Once the trust has gone, nothing is left of an online relationship.
To me, that is the end as far as the relationship (I am not using the word affair since it is not really an affair anymore) is concerned for me – I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel that I am being lied to. I clearly am still emotionally entangled with her. If she cared for me deeply. this would never have happened. I have never ever lied to her and have always treated her with deep caring and warm thoughts. To me, she was always precious and special, to be spoiled.
So, the questions are:
1) Does feeling guilty result in total breakdown of communication, including not wanting to write to me when she is alone in a hotel by herself at nights?
2) Should I end it with No Contact, or should I send her an email ending it after New Years (with no New Years greeting)? I have no doubt that I want to end it and it is the end as far as I am concerned. I have not checked my email in half-a-month and have no desire to do so. I am clearly leaning towards the NC end.
3) She will be coming to US in Dec. I totally wanted to send her a gift that she would find very useful. Should I do that or not? All said and done, there were many beautiful moments and I don’t want to dwelve only on the negatives. She made my life wonderful, even with all the pain that I had to endure. This would be the last opportunity to appreciate what she has done for me and I thnk I would feel guilty if I was to end with NC, so in a way, this compensates for a potential guilt feeling.
My marriage has improved significantly, thanks, in a small part to her. She made me see the good side of my wife and made me wanting to have more sex with wife. It hurts, but, the hurt is no longer unbearable.