Ex lover's wife is angry at me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Ex lover's wife is angry at me
4
Sun, 04-07-2013 - 5:24pm

I have a problem which I hope doesn't get worst.  First off, i had a lover from years ago, he was divorced, I'm married and it was great.  It lasted for about 3 years.  He met someone who he wanted to be with and I understood, even though I had feelings for him.  He wanted me to stay friends with him and the new wife.  She said she would be, and I could visit (of course I knew better) and it proved to be right when I got stupid and said I had feelings for him, she flipped and said that he would have to end all friendships with his female friends.  I was told by her that she didn't want me talking to him.  I respected that and did so.  It hurt but I got over it.  A few years ago, he communicated with me via email.  Yes, I had a choice to say no, but I did email him and it was fine.  We have emailed now back and forth, he wants to see me, even thought he is married, I'm married, and I am not even thinking about ever seeing him in person again.  Friday, I got a phone call on the house phone from a number that I hadn't seen in years, his home number.  I said hello a couple of times and no answer.  I knew who it was and I emailed him.  He said block the number.  He then called me on the phone and said he didn't know how she got my home number (someone looks at the cell phone bills)  and then advised me not to say who it was. Of course, she called back on her cell phone (didn't remember her number) and she gleefully said thank you when I said it was me.  When I talked to him he said, now I have to go home and deal with a jealous wife.  I don't know if they are having problems, if he has gotten in touch with his other female friends, or what, but I must say this, she knew what type of man he is, she knew he liked to screw around with other women before she married him. Maybe I am a bitch to say that karma is getting back her here for being mean to me.  I will get back to you, going to a movie.

 

 

 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 2:03pm

 I think more to the point: her insisting upon remaining with a deceitful liar and his not living up to her expectations of him not being who she needed for him to be in order for her to be happy is what is fueling her anger, not you necessarily, because as you said:  I don't know if they are having problems, if he has gotten in touch with his other female friends, or what, but I must say this, she knew what type of man he is, she knew he liked to screw around with other women before she married him. 

At the end of the day, he knew he was legally married to her and thus, it is his responsibility to honor his vows, not make that someone else's responsibility.  If his attraction to you was that strong, then he needed come correct with you in every legitimate way, not take the sneak approach about it.

Hopefully, she won't waste any more time aiming her anger at someone who didn't take vows with her, but be ready for her to attempt to contact your husband about it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Mon, 04-08-2013 - 7:26pm

Well it is Monday and I haven't heard from him.   I guess she got him good with all the evidence with the cell phone bill and she probably forced him to give up the email passwords as well.  I guess I will never know what happened, but she is probably considering divorcing him, because  of what has happened, but you are right, she insist on being with a deceitful liar and that is her choice.  

You know when I was with him, yes, I was wrong because I was married (still am) and I was looking for fun.  I had fun, great time, but I knew it wouldn't last forever.  He also said he never wanted me to get a divorce because it hurt and I knew that I wasn't the one for him (not that I would divorce my husband for him).  He got someone who he said had everything in common with him and they agreed on everything.  One thing I learned, do not get with someone who has everything in common because it won't work alot of the time.  I guess he won't be able to talk to me, and I will have to get used to it.  I did before, but this time, it won't be that hard because I didn't put my heart into it and I figured I would never see him again. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 04-12-2013 - 2:04pm

Hi peeps!  I gotta' chime in on this one.  

We can't let the DW, regardless that she was not his W when you had an A with him, get in the way of remembering how our behavior and actions effect others.  I realize that sure, she may very well be a b*itch, and I totally get that, but we can't fault her for wanting to confirm her DH's inappropriate behavior.  

I mean, think about it.  You fell for the guy, can you blame someone else for falling for him, too?  

I have been in your shoes and I remember scratching my head thinking "he is lying to you through his teeth, and I am the one getting the wrath, really?"  I was thrown under the bus.  But we put ourself in this position.  Period.  You replied to the e-mail and have continued communication.  

I am one of a group of gals that used to post here that have moved on and continued our R with our previous MM/AP.  I think 4 or 5 are married and me and SO are recently engaged.   

So although yes, it rarely works out that way, some people really do learn from their mistakes and can change.  

Lastly, as far as karma goes, fate will take care of that all on its own.  Good luck with everything I do hope that she takes it up with her DH, and not you.  Like the other poster said, the vows are between her and him.  

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Sat, 04-13-2013 - 3:07pm

I fail to see how karma falls at the feet of your cheating partner's wife. Your affair is something she never participated in. How is she wrong for attempting to protect her marriage and being aware of what is going on within it?

If anything, she knows her husband had no respect for marriage vows at least at one point in his life - when he was sleeping with you, a married woman who also had no respect for marriage vows. Your cheating partner apparently told his new wife about you so she knows "what type of" person YOU are, and that would make anyone concerned if your contact were to continue. You cannot fault her for that.

We believe what we want to believe until evidence proves us wrong, especially in affairs. She might not have recognized her husbands "deceitful liar" nature yet she suspects it now, maybe at least partially based on his past relationship with someone who was married. It does not sound to me like she is aiming anger at you at all, though, merely investigating on her own. Most people with a backbone would do the same thing.

There is a whole lot of speculation going on in your posts and that of Kendahke1 that damn the wife unnecessarily. I do not think that is healthy and hope you will take a look at how you view victims of betrayal. Your cheating partner's wife is not the bad guy here. If you do not want repercussions such as these then do not participate in behavior which makes this sort of thing likely. It is really very simple.

What is also very simple is disassociating yourself from your cheating partner in order to prevent this sort of thing in the future. If there is no smoke, his wife will not seek the source of fire.