forgiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
forgiveness
9
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 12:12pm

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness this week. I started T several months back when I realized I was in over my head...later fired my T. (long story) but have continued with an ACOA support group and get together with a good friend a couple mornings a week as we work through some stuff together...and then of course. Hang here way too much.:)

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 4:21pm
Wow breeze. This is totally me. I have those same issues through out my life, abandonment, betrayal, manipulation. I have been trying to forgive xap. But like you, making no progress. I so need to work on forgiving myself. Thank you for this insight. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 5:10pm

Daisy..sorry to hear you have the same theme running through the backdrop of your life..but nice to know I'm in good company!

okay..so it occured to me today..that I can SO let xAP go on the betrayal. But the manipulation is a bit tougher (and yes..there is some overlap in all of these..I realize..but one is more a breaking of a contract...while the other is completely intentional misinformation) But abandonment?! I really thought I had worked through my fear of abandonment..but for me to forgive him for that? AHem....means it's really real.

And while I KNOW he has manipulated and betrayed me? I think I'm still too early out (only 18 days) to accept that this. is. really. it.

It's just where I'm at right now. Maintaining n.c...because I need too. Because I want to. And because I want to want to be monogomous for the rest of my life...but part of me..still freaks out at the thought. I can't wrap my mind around the forever portion of it yet. I need to give myself some more time for that. So yes...I do feel abandoned. But I'm not completely ready to accept that is the case yet.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 11:19pm
So, RB...

First, I think it's wonderful that you have a friend that you're working with, who is there in real time to support you and be your partner in this exercise.

Now...here is a question for you to think about for a minute or two.

If the recurring issues for you are abandonment, betrayal and manipulation - why did you get involved in affair, a relationship where all three of those things are practically guaranteed to happen, in some way or another?

No real need to answer - just...think about it a little bit, and see if anything bubbles to the surface.

:)

I can't really talk much about forgiveness in any sort of coherent manner, because I still haven't quite worked out what that really means to me, for me, in my life. It's a part of the journey that I'm still figuring out, so I have no real answers to that question...

xoxoxo

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sat, 04-21-2012 - 12:29pm

If the recurring issues for you are abandonment, betrayal and manipulation - why did you get involved in affair, a relationship where all three of those things are practically guaranteed to happen, in some way or another?

Don't mind answering at all, actually.

I didn't realize that these were recurring themes in my life when I started A. I found myself in A..wondering..how the heck did I get here? I couldn't end without huge anxiety and panic. I found myself needy in a way I had never been before.

When I realized I was in over my head and started T...I couldn't stay in the denial I had been in for so long. I HAD to remember a whole bunch of stuff I had chosen to ignore...

So in a lot of way..the A served as a catalyst for me to start dealing with stuff I should have dealt with a long time ago.

As Oprah says (thanks Lulu..again for link to life lessons) "It's amazing how many people are bleeding and don't even know it.."

I was definately one of those people. I knew I was irritated and uncomfortable..I didn't know I was bleeding.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 04-23-2012 - 10:29pm
Everyone is bleeding. Sometimes it happens in a big gushing wound sort of way, and sometimes, it more of a seeping sort of thing, that takes a while for us to notice.

And now you know. That can't be a bad thing, right?

(I know, I know - doesn't feeeeeel so great right now. Sigh.)

Hugs sweetheart,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 12:08pm

This thread really resonates with me. I am working on a lot of this same stuff in T. I am dealing with stuff from my past that I thought had no real affect on my present, but it does. Same issues as the others. I am stuck like Kim in the forgiveness part. I don't know how to do that. Maybe because the awareness of how these issues have affectedmeis all so new and I am dealing with them and accepting them I am not ready to forgive just yet.I am feeling the hurt now that I have blocked for all of these years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 12:46pm

JG,

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Wed, 04-25-2012 - 1:32pm

Ahhhh, the elusive forgiveness.

It took me years to get to a place where I could let go of my A related guilt - and it didn't happen without the help of someone else.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 10:53pm
Well...

I think that forgiveness and acceptance are kind of different, right?

When it comes to toxic people, or to people who hurt us - not necessarily deliberately, but just because...that's just who they are, and what they do - I don't know if forgiveness is really required, is it?

I don't have to forgive someone who's hurt me because that's who they are and what they do. And in my mind...forgiving them would almost be stupid, because it feels like that would just set me up for receiving more of the same? Instead, I think I've just...accepted it. That's who they are and that's what they do - but it's up to me how much I allow them to effect me, and it's up to me how much control I allow them to have over me, and my emotions.

I dunno. I mean, I'm thinking of a specific person, of course, and a difficult relationship I have (that I can't get out of). And I tried to fight, and I tried to communicate how I felt, and I tried to get my voice heard - and it made me kind of crazy, because it never was. I never felt as though it was. But I've learned to let go of that need - and to accept that this is just the way they are, and that it won't change, and that if I continue to have a relationship with them...then *I* am the one who has to make changes in how I approach that relationship.

Um...did I wander totally away, just now?

:)

Kim