forgiveness

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2014
forgiveness
4
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 5:06pm

Sorry about the length and formatting..couldn't figure it out on my phone

So, 8 years ago. I was married to my husband for 11 years. We had two children.My father died because of copd. It was expected,  but still a huge shock.There had been another deathas well so when our "friends" convinced us to move in with them by the big city , it seemed like the Perfect chance to start fresh. When we arrived it was immediately clear they were swingers, hence the reason wanting us to live with them.i felt worse, many times worse. And in the middle of all of this I was purging nearly everything I ate, 5 or 6 times a day, going on two years. I felt awful,  my husband told me constantly that I looked awful,  like a boy and I was disgusting. He would tell me it was my fault because I would choose to do it.so new place, feeling completely and utterly alone, our friend decided that he would start talking to me more telling me things like that I still was beautiful and that he cared about me so much he would help me get well.My husband and i had both interacted with them, we sent naked pics, etc. being stupid and gullible, not knowing wear it was heading.  I believed him and I believe that he loved me and that he cared for me he told me that he wished he would have ended up with me and other things like that.I was afraid to lose the friendship companionship and the talking that he was showering on me so even though there was no attraction on my part I agreed to do that with him to have sex.I didn't want to lose him as a friend I felt like everyone else hated me, even him at times because the things that he would say or do afterwards, slapping me, ect and it turns out that he was into some really horrible type things like he wanted to beat me within an inch of my life and then rape me.so I felt worse and worse. And then one day I  came home to find he had told his wife who told me she was going to kill me so I hid in my room which was a part of their house we were stuck there for just under a month and a half. Then his next move was he told my husband he also told my husband that I initiated everything and that it was primarily all my fault and he just felt terrible about it and so he had to tell everyone. After that I never spoke to him again and I worked on trying to talk to my husband the first few weeks or more like he wanted sex constantly and I was blank out and cry well he did it because it hurt and it felt more like rape then sex. We managed to get out of there we did talking it was good for a while he had needed all the things that he felt he had needed to work on end I told him the things I needed to work on and why it had happened. We moved away and found a different place we've had no contact with him. For the next few months the sex was still pretty bad it had to be you every night whether or not I wanna do it I felt like vomiting each time. My gusband would be as rough ad he rou saying thungs like ia that how yoy luke it?  now I felt that sex was horrible and dirty and something to be ashamed of because of what I did. I reposted myself into this day I'm still repulsed by everything with a human body. So for the first few months things were as okay as they could be.. Of 8 years I've been able to go out here and there once in awhile with friends to go to a movie etc cetera. But every time he is angry at me then he throws it back in my face that he cant trust me and that  he thinks I'm a w**** that I probably slept with a lot more than just that one person and yeah I'm a horrible person and a bad wife. This past weekend was even worse it was the worst ever. I went on a day long trip with a couple girlfriends to go to the zoo and he didn't want me to go because he was having bad thoughts and I told him he needed to just stop being ridiculous and I will call him when i got there,  I sent him pictures but I did go and during the entire time I was assailed by texts about what a horrible person I was, that I constantly stabbed in the back that, I'm a piece of s*** that I lied I'm a w****.The following is some of the texts:

"That's fucked up I see you care more about yourself than anyone else. Why don't you just stay up there. And before your friends think I'm a dick tell them why I'm this way. Have fun on your trip because when you get home life is going to be  HELL."

" Maybe I had a problem this time but you didn't care. I should have know same SHIT  you will never change. Did he force you nope.Did the others force you. nope. Well you do thing's that I will never know about. You really need to know the meaning of marriage.  Look it up"

 These just went on constantly for the past two days. I know what I did was wrong that I didn't do it just for fun or to have a good time or anything like that I just wanted a friend someone to take notice in me and to try to help me and not just put me down and call me crazy. But I feel like I've paid for that with blood and tears and pain. I feel broken. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 8:29pm

You need to go to a shelter for battered women. His actions are scary and you need to get help to get away from him. That is not marriage...he should look it up. Please get help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 9:34pm

I totally agree.  First that other man abused you and took advantage of you and now your DH is doing it.  If he feels like the affair was your fault and he couldn't trust you, then he should have left you.  Instead he just wants to abuse you.  You need to find help to get out of this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 12:18am

You need to GET OUT NOW!!!  If you don't know where to go, then call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and they will tell you exactly what to do to get out.  Meantime, what your husband is doing to you is called RAPE.....being his wife doesn't matter........if you don't consent, it's RAPE!  And you can call the police and have him arrested.  You need protection, you need counselling for your eating disorders and you need to do it NOW.  I don' t know who you want to forgive, but you're the only one in this nasty situation that doesn't NEED to be forgiven, you're a victim.  Get out ASAP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
In reply to: Belitzer
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 5:04am

You don't need it, but I want to add my voice to the chorus of "get away from that sick, abusive creep ASAP!" What makes me saddest is how little regard you have for yourself that you have put up with all this. Your self-esteem must be in the toilet! Sadly, I know of hundreds of women who are like this...they don't like themselves so they allow themselves to be punching bags...or doormats. Hell, I was like that myself once. I had the lowest self-esteem and the things I put up with...it's pathetic. But even I never took all the dumping on you've had. The women who replied to tell you that you are being battered and raped are completely right!  No woman should have sex with anyone without being a completely willing participant, and any man who wants sex to be like that (the woman hating it and deliberately causing her pain) is really sick and sadistic. No matter how guilty you feel about getting with that other guy, you don't have to make it up to your husband by allowing him to do all this sick shit to you. Nothing you did is so awful that you deserve what he's done and is still doing to you. Listen to all the voices here...get out, get out, get out, get out! Get away from the torture chamber and prison cell you think of as a marriage. It's not supposed to be like this!