Found this board again - hoping to be stronger!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2014
Found this board again - hoping to be stronger!
9
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 10:17pm

Six years ago I started an affair with a MM. I am also M, both of us going on 30/29 years of marraige. Four years ago, the affair ended since AP's wife found out. Layoff occurred at work and NC was forced. I further completed things by sending several emails to x-AP's wife to read as recommended by therapist I was seeing for help in the devasting loss of the affair since I was a mess when it was over. I found support here and remember RatherBeMe, but four months later, x-AP called back to work and things started up again despite the fact I had sent damaging emails. In 6 years, it was about 6 acts of physical intimacy, and mostly texts, emails, phone calls. We rarely saw each other. This has gone now for four years. Two years ago I left the company we both worked for, but the affair still continued with daily texts, phone calls and emails. We managed this affair around a sale of a business,  graduations, a wedding of his daughter and we still couldn't let go. I believe we both of knew it should end, but neither could end it. From time to time, meetings had been planned, but at the last minute canceled and it was always me who was greatly disappointed. Finally yesterday was the last straw as it was his birthday and I had planned an event and I was shut out of the day completely and drawn back into today for lame reasons. I read his long email this morning and stewed about it for 6 hours. I thought about not replying, but I did. I said the affair was over, I can't take the emoitonal roller coaster any more. I am emotionally exhausted! I told him to not contact me at work by phone or email, not to drive by my house (we live a mile apart) and to NEVER contact me again. I then deleted 1200 emails, and closed out the mail account. A tremendous weight has been lifted, I feel empowered and feel I can FINALLY break away from this fog, this addiction. I don't know the outcome of my marriage since I left it emotionally about 10 years ago but have stayed for the children (25 - 16), and will stay in the marriage until the youngest graduate high school in two years. I have felt a tremendous sense of guilt, conflct with this affair, but not enough to stop since I was selfish and needed to feed my own ego daily. My husband never suspected an affair and I'm truly thankful for that. My goals right now are to stay with NC and it won't be easy after six years, but it can be done. I will be more devoted to the family and to healing myself and to figure out why I get myself into this mess and why I let it continue so long. Tomorrow begins day one of NC.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 10:48pm

Hello Omega, 

Welcome to after the affair. My affair lasted 5 years, I never had the strength to end it. Although I suffered for that greatly emotionally. I was in love and my AP was in lust, he had the easy end of the deal. For me, my affair was a way to hide my unhappiness and bury it with something else. I wrapped my life around the affair and everything around me suffered. I feel no hatered of my AP, in fact I understand him greatly and know he is a person who suffers as deeply as I do. I have spent a lot of time during and after the affair on self work. It is hard work and I have learned a lot. I to have felt the weight of the affair lifted and I know I am free, now I still need to work on freeing myself in the form of forgiving myself for my weakness, my addiction and my guilt, those things have had a way of holding me down. 

I wish you the peace and strength needed to continue on your path of life after the affair. Tough days will come, set your resolve and you will conquer this! Sending you strength! Prepare a plan for resolve, when and if you feel the need to reach out to him, so you can remain strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2014
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 8:29am

Thank you Sunnysmiles for your comment and recommendation for a plan of resolve. I know I will need that. I too was in love with my x-AP and I'm sure his was lust. Years ago since I had emotionally disconcerted from my marriage, I feel hard for this man. But I have been selfish and hurt myself and my family in the process and ugh! I can't believe I've wasted six years of my life, how is that possible? How did I allow myself to get caught up in this mess? How did I degrade myself in thinking an email a day or call was a relationship?? I wanted more of a relationship, and we had certain obstacles to get past and six months ago the last one came and went and still I stayed in the relationship. I was hoping we would move onto the next step in our lives and didn't want to see all the efforts of six years wasted? Words were just that, and I always told myself 'actions speak louder than words.' No excuses for me being lonely in the marriage though I tried to communicate, tried to say I wasn't happy, but my husband is married to his work. My obsession has been our four kids and now later in life my work. We let our relationship suffer and all that is holding us together is the kids. Scariest thing will be in two years when the last ones graduate from high school. But I keep telling myself, if the marriage doesn't work out (and I'm still indecisive if I want that), its better to be alone than to be in affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 3:19pm

Hi Omega. Good for you for reaching out to community who understands your plight. Good for you for doing that instead of making contact with someone who is a destructive force in your life. I also admire and respect your resolve to stay NC and to delete all those emails. That's a very hard thing to do. Another thing I respect you for is recognizing you've been selfish in your involvement w/ this man, and how all it's done ultimately is hurt people you care about and yourself. A lot of women aren't ready to see themselves as selfish, or to accept any responsibility for their bad choices. They only think to blame others. I don't think a woman can move forward until she recognizes the selfishness behind her actions. So congratulations for making the first step to "recovery" (that's how I see it) and in living a better and healthier life.

You feel stupid for wasting six years of your life? Well you're not as stupid as me! I am now going on 7 years of my life I've wasted on making myself supremely unhappy, and on a person who doesn't have my best interest at heart, to put it mildly. I was like you; I got into this mess at a time when my husband had been emotionally, and to some degree sexually, distant from me. My husband was overly involved in his work, too. That's probably a common denominator for women like us.

I was also devastated when my ex broke off things with me...and it's happened several times. I've tried cutting him off a few times, but he would always worm his way back into my life...sometimes after days, weeks, or even years.  His re-appearance in my life has brought an onslaught of havoc with it each time. I really  don't want to keep doing this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2014
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 9:08pm

Hi Belitzer,

Thanks for your reply. I can't lie, today was agonizing for me. Many thoughts whirled around in my head and today part of me wanted closure. I know I am the one who said its over, but now I seem to want xAP to tell me everything he told me was a lie. What was so lacking, so missing in my life, that I believed everything he told me and I know I want it all retracted. That is the selfish part of me wanting something for me. I have to tell myself to accept it, and just go on, but admit feel lost today. Wish I could shut my brain off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 12:48am

I know that feeling so well...the one where you wish you could shut your brain off. Even for a few hours, just to get a break from it, just to rest my weary mind a while. I felt so exhausted all the time, just thinking about it so much. I wish I had some tips or tricks to share to get you through it easier or faster, but I never found anything like that. There is only getting through each minute of each hour of each day, one at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. It's not much fun, that's for sure. I hope you will stay the course, though. Just remind yourself it doesn't matter if the x was lying all along, or meant every word, or somewhere in between. In the end, it really doesn't  change anything because no matter how you slice it, you know that this guy and your relationship were bad news in your life. There's no way to bring  him back into your life and have it be good for you, either.. When I was going through this, I found my mind played funny tricks on me. It was like there was this voice in my head that kept assuring me the only way to make it better would be to... well, to do anything that brought me in contact with him again.  It's a lie, though. It's kind of like the addictive part of  your brain trying to talk you into getting another hit. If you can recognize that when the voice or the thoughts start urging you to call him or write him or cyberspy on him, or drive by his house, or call when you know he's not home "just to hear his voice on the machine", you will be in 100% better shape than the poor fools who allow themselves to be taken in. Only if you can stand tall against the destructive forces inside you that would lead you down that dark path again can you find some peace.

Be strong Omega. You can get there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 11:30am

Each time you want to reach out, or you think you want something else from him.....remind yourself "I got this" that simple statement should give you power. Because you do have this! It is in your power! Thoughts are just that thoughts, release them and don't react to them. "You've got this!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 1:58pm

Hi Omega! Welcome. That took a lot of guts to delete everything. I couldn't do out. I deleted a little at a time. I should have just cut all ties and sent ending email. That being said, each time I made a change, I felt liberated. I felt like a load was lifted each time. Now, there is nothing left. Keep posting here to keep up your determination to end it. It is amazing how much control a relationship through emails and messaging can have on your life. I hope you find peace and can focus some of your energy into working on your relationship with your husband. Have you tried counselinG either with or without him? I certainly understand how you feel about being married to a workaholic. I am too. He works all of the time when he is home and now he is traveling extensively. I had spent so much time focusing on everyone else in my family, that I did not pay enough attention to myself. I let the compliments and attention win me over. I am glad it is over. I am relieved to not have the dirty little secret hanging over my head anymore.

good luck to you. Hang tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 11:37pm

Wow soaringonward! Everything you said...it could've been me talking! All of it is my life, almost to the letter, with the exception of my husband traveling. He's never traveled that much. But he was away from home so much, and when he was physically home, he was miles away emotionally, he may as well have been out of town. It just amazes me how all of us are different people but there are parts of all our stories that are each other's. This is why we are uniquely qualified to help each other.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

(((((But I keep telling myself, if the marriage doesn't work out (and I'm still indecisive if I want that), its better to be alone than to be in affair.))))

You hit the nail on the head.  And welcome to AAS.  This was my home years ago when the board was brand new and actually a lot of posters has moved on to RL relationships with the AP and we didn't fit in any of the other boards.  And many others, like you, had already ended it fighting the process on "what do I do now"  

You are in the right place.  Good luck!  NC is pretty much the only way.  Hugs...

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity