Found this board again - hoping to be stronger!
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|Tue, 04-15-2014 - 10:17pm|
Six years ago I started an affair with a MM. I am also M, both of us going on 30/29 years of marraige. Four years ago, the affair ended since AP's wife found out. Layoff occurred at work and NC was forced. I further completed things by sending several emails to x-AP's wife to read as recommended by therapist I was seeing for help in the devasting loss of the affair since I was a mess when it was over. I found support here and remember RatherBeMe, but four months later, x-AP called back to work and things started up again despite the fact I had sent damaging emails. In 6 years, it was about 6 acts of physical intimacy, and mostly texts, emails, phone calls. We rarely saw each other. This has gone now for four years. Two years ago I left the company we both worked for, but the affair still continued with daily texts, phone calls and emails. We managed this affair around a sale of a business, graduations, a wedding of his daughter and we still couldn't let go. I believe we both of knew it should end, but neither could end it. From time to time, meetings had been planned, but at the last minute canceled and it was always me who was greatly disappointed. Finally yesterday was the last straw as it was his birthday and I had planned an event and I was shut out of the day completely and drawn back into today for lame reasons. I read his long email this morning and stewed about it for 6 hours. I thought about not replying, but I did. I said the affair was over, I can't take the emoitonal roller coaster any more. I am emotionally exhausted! I told him to not contact me at work by phone or email, not to drive by my house (we live a mile apart) and to NEVER contact me again. I then deleted 1200 emails, and closed out the mail account. A tremendous weight has been lifted, I feel empowered and feel I can FINALLY break away from this fog, this addiction. I don't know the outcome of my marriage since I left it emotionally about 10 years ago but have stayed for the children (25 - 16), and will stay in the marriage until the youngest graduate high school in two years. I have felt a tremendous sense of guilt, conflct with this affair, but not enough to stop since I was selfish and needed to feed my own ego daily. My husband never suspected an affair and I'm truly thankful for that. My goals right now are to stay with NC and it won't be easy after six years, but it can be done. I will be more devoted to the family and to healing myself and to figure out why I get myself into this mess and why I let it continue so long. Tomorrow begins day one of NC.