Guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2014
Guilt
9
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 1:07pm

pls delete posts

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: Conflicted76
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 3:06pm

Do you know that the only reason people confess to affairs is so they're not the only ones suffering?  You didn't have to "confess", but in your case, maybe it will help your husband understand how he contributed to it.  You say that you want to work on your marrige?  Then you have to stop ALL communication with the AP.  Too bad about him and his problems.....he made his own problems.  There was no reason for him to tell his wife anything, and for all you know he didn't tell her......he's using that to MAKE you feel guilty!  And if he actually told his teen aged children........then he's a REAL A$$!  You do NOT dump your dirty linens on children, even teen agers!

Sure you two talked about "somedqy".......how else was he going to keep you in his life?  And of course his wife was horrible, he never had sex with her, she treated him like a dog, etc.  And he loved the sympathy he got from you!  I was that miserable rotten wife for many years!  My ex was a serial cheater, two long term affairs, and a lot of one night stands, and I kept telling him to get a divorce and leave me in peace.  I finally filed for divorce, and he BEGGED me not to do it.  He cried, he promised, and I didn't care anymore.  He loved me and the kids, he would be a good husband, ya da ya da yo ad.  Within a month, he was married to his current AP.  She put up with him for a couple of years, then she divorced him.  She found out, if he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you.  He even tried to get ME back (on the side)!  You have NO reason to feel any guilt about this man.  He made his own problems.  And if you cut him out of your life completely as you should, you will be replaced very quickly.

You need to cut off ALL contact with him (and tell your husband to stay out of it) and you need to concentrate on repairing your broken marriage.  If it had been a truly bad marriage, you would have divorced him long ago.......but you didn't.  Good Luck to you and your husband........replace the guilt with positive feelings and behaviors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
In reply to: Conflicted76
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 4:42pm

Just a comment about the AP telling his teenage kids about the A....I've seen the situation where the betrayed spouse is angry and wants everybody to hate the cheater so either insists that cheater tell significant people what happened, or sets it up so he has to...maybe the wife told the kids they were getting a divorce because dad has a gf, go ask him about it, and then he has to tell them something. Not necessarily his AP's name or any details but of course the kids are going to hate whoever they think broke up their family.

Or maybe that's not what happened, but most parents don't volunteer information to their kids that will hurt the kids.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: Conflicted76
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 1:33pm

Yea, who knows what really happened at his home.  Even if they are headed for D, lord knows what kind of path he will be on for at least this next year, and maybe longer.  You did NOT make him do anything.  Period.  

I can't stress enough how important NC will be.  This experience has hopefully humbled you and although you don't need to walk around town with your nose in the air, you don't to cower, either.   This is between your and your DH.  

You might want to lurk (DON'T POST) on the Betrayed Spouses board.  Transparency is often important when trying to rebuild.  I wish we still had the rebuilding board.  :(   

Eventually your DH will have to trust and move on, but clearly that time is not here yet.  Your A may have quite possibly been an Exit Affair your for AP.  My DH had one (while married to his first W) before he ever met me.  

Good luck and hang in there.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2014
In reply to: Conflicted76
Mon, 04-14-2014 - 8:12pm
Thank you to all of you for your advice/ support! It really has helped and I do need to focus my energy on my marriage, and not beat myself up about what's happened to his marriage. He knows now that I am staying with DH. How he handles, or has handled his marriage isn't my concern. And I may never know the truth.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
In reply to: Soaringonward
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 9:01am

Hi Conflicted! The feelings can be very strong with an EA. I suppose love could be possible in a short time, but more than likely it was infatuation. Since his marriage was suffering, the diversion made him feel like he loved you. The emotions during an affair are not real. Things are exciting. You are experiencing someone new, you are sneaking around, the passions are high. That does not mean you are in love.

You sound determined to move on and that is great. Good luck to you.

My 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: myrasfriend
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 11:02am

I just want to give you a hug. I pray that you have a few really good friend IRL to talk to along with your therapist. The failure of xap's M is not totally your fault but I do think it is unhealthy for you to convince yourself that you didn't have anything to do with their M ending. You should own up to the fact that you did play a part in breaking up a M regardless of what state it was in when you started the A.  Not trying to make you feel bad because many moons ago I had an A also, but you cannot grow and learn from bad choices if you don't be truthful with yourself that you were in fact behaving badly and help to cause destruction to another M.  When we try to make ourselves happy by hurting other ppl it always ends badly. Own your part in the A and realize that you were manipulating XAP as well as him manipulating you. You both were partners in crime while hiding and sneaking around. I believe that if you don't take responsibility for what you allowed to happen and realize that you were not a victim but a willing participant, you won't be able to stop yourself if another unhappy MM comes your way sniffing around. It is important that you work on your boundaries with MM if you want to make your M work and really look deeply into why you gave yourself permission to have an A in the first place. Also, it might have been a good thing if you took time away from DH to determine if being M to him is really what you want. Peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: myrasfriend
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 11:04am
""Do you know that the only reason people confess to affairs is so they're not the only ones suffering?"" I don't believe this. Some ppl make terrible mistakes by having an A and want to live an authentic life and repair the damage that they have done. They want to give their partners the opportunity to choose a life where they know 100% of the parties involved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2014
In reply to: Conflicted76
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 1:10pm

delete account

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2014
In reply to: Conflicted76
Wed, 04-30-2014 - 1:22pm

please delete all posts

thanks again for the encouragement!