Hate that he still gets to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Hate that he still gets to me
3
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 6:45am

Hi everyone. It started 7 years ago, innocently enough. My marriage was at a low point. Actually, there were problems before then. I was out of work and sitting around the house too much. I admit I was lonely. I told my husband I felt lonely. He thought I just wanted reassurance that he still loved me, which he gave. That wasn't it though. I was spending a lot of time online. I had used the Internet for social contact for years and was never inappropriate with anyone. I never anticipated I'd ever have a problem. So I guess I was caught off guard which probably made me more susceptible. I was on a forum for an interest of mine and I got especially friendly with a few people there. This man came along whose writing really caught my attention. After about a month, we started writing each other privately, just casual stuff. Film, TV, books, philosophy, political views. I was very surprised to find how much we thought alike. He's extremely bright and writes really well. He lived very far away. In another country. On a different continent actually. So when the flirtation started, I didn't worry. I thought because he was so far away we would never meet, so there was no problem. I liked the flirting and the attention. To cut to the chase, the whole thing heated up and went out of control. I lived for the next email from him. He started pushing for phone calls. I resisted at first. I knew it was a bad idea. Eventually I caved though and agreed to a phone call. We started talking by phone a lot. Because of the distance, the calls got very expensive. I used a calling card to hide it from my husband. It went on for about three months. I was absolutely sure I was in love. We started talking about meeting. I was so caught up in it, I probably would've left my husband and children if he asked me to. My husband found out, my lies caught up with me. Things were terrible at home and I was a mess. I could barely function I was so distracted. Then things started to unravel and he cut off all contact with me abruptly and I was crushed. My husband actually felt sorry for me I was in such a bad way. The one good thing that came out of it is my marriage got better, ironically. It brought us closer. The man reappeared after a few months and we started talking again but it was different. I can't explain it. Just that it wasn't the same. Since then, this has been the pattern. He comes and goes from my life, unpredictably. He's made a few trips to the US since then. We planned to meet a few times, but it never came about. I'm grateful, actually. The thing is, he's seen many women when he's traveled. He hooks up with them. I know it's insane, but I go out of my mind jealous when I think of him with the other women. He's never said so, but I think he gets off some knowing I'm jealous. He didn't call or write for two and a half years and I thought I'd never hear from him again. Out of the blue one day, he called. Same pattern. This last time, I told him don't contact me again and he said OK and he went silent again. A few months passed. Then, last week he called. I was shocked to hear he's in the US and plans to be here for a few months. He made some comments that he wants to see me. I told him no, won't happen. Nothing since, but I'm all wound up. This weekend the thought came to me that he's probably with a woman, or seeing a woman or women. Since the thought came to me, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so upset with jealousy, I'm suffering very bad. I've been up all night, unable to sleep with my crazy jealousy. I know how stupid it is. I've known for a long time he's not a good person. I would like to forget him but I'm powerless to purge him from my thoughts, especially of him with other women and how nuts it gets me. I really hate so much that he still gets to me this way. It sucks! :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 12:14pm

Hi! When your exAP contacts you it will churn up those feelings a little.It's natural. you invested a lot of your emotions and time  into that relationship. I had an emotional affair too. I understand how you can spend hours on end waiting for the next message. If he contacted me, it would stir up buried feelings, but I don't want to go down that road  again...ever! You are lucky that your husband was understanding. If you can block him, please do. Ignore an unknown number. it will give you peace and not disrupt your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Sun, 04-13-2014 - 5:50pm

Hi soaringonward. A while ago, I drafted a thanks to you for your kind and compassionate reply. Unfortunately, as I finished but before I could "submit" , something happened that deleted the entire draft and I couldn't get it back. I was too irritated to re-write it then, but when I have the composure to try again. Thanks again, though. I know everything you said is all true. That doesn't make it any easier to endure though.  :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 1:26am

Two weeks now since last contact. I'm a little surprised. I really thought he might try again, but no. It's not that I want to hear from him; all he does is bring chaos into my life. It's more than I'm uneasy...like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm still steamed that he's with some women--another of his online conquests--I'm sure. But I know I have no business being steamed about that, and even those irrational feelings fade more each day. I'm staying busy, doing constructive things, putting positive energy into my marriage. I know I'm lucky to have my husband. We've come a long way since the days I was deep in the middle of the affair. There was a time tho I was lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage. I have to remind myself sometimes that I am grateful those days are behind me.