Have you ever wanted to tell your AP's significant other about the affair and rat him out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Have you ever wanted to tell your AP's significant other about the affair and rat him out?
26
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 2:34pm

I was curious if any of you have ever ratted out your AP by telling their significant other about your affair? 

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Avatar for ananemus
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2013

Hi Lostsoul,  Law of unintended consequences can make ratting out a very risky proposition. For instance, the AP's partner may post real facts on online boards out of disgust. Totally refrain from that. Besides, it would also be inhumane to someone with whom you once had a relationship - regardless of the current status. Let it be - live in peace and sleep well. Forgiveness is far better for your own peace than RevengeThis is just my opinion. Anan Emus

The past is done, the future has yet to come. Live in the present moment honestly with few chances of regret.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I did, and I'm totally embarrassed admitting that. It's funny (in not such a ha ha way) that we work really hard at keeping the secret when everythings going our way; and then, when it doesn't work out the way we want it to, suddenly we are compelled to blow everyone's cover. 

He protected her, hated me for a while, she dumped him and we resumed our relationship for another couple of years.  Talk about two dysfunctional individuals.  And, he still would not give me the relationship I wanted...well, thought I wanted.  I know now, it would never have worked out.

But some terrible things can come as a result of being the whistle blower:

1. He could very well hate you forever.  Now do you really want that?

2. They could band together and make your life totally miserable particularly, like A said (previous poster...forget name) with facebook and all the ways people can make things public..the total miserable may come in ways you can't imagine.

3.  She could go off the deep end and hurt herself, or him or you. We never know how one will behave in the face of betrayals, but I'll bet many murders are committed.  I mean, we read about it a lot in the news, no?  And if there are children involved...omg, I don't even want to think about how their lives can be ruined...but you should.

4. It's not your place to do so..that's really the bottom line.  Peoples lives will unfold as they should when left to their own design.

It's a bad idea, and I think you know that.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013

Yes I know it is a bad idea but his gf has no idea what he is like and that he has this really dark side she has no idea about.  I'm pretty sure he will propose to her soon and even after they get married he will continue to find people on the side.  I think I am going to just let it go because you are correct in saying I have no idea how the gf might react to finding out.  I don't want her to kill herself him or me or my kids.  Thank you for the good advice.  I am just going to forget about it and try to work to be a better person in some way even tho I feel so lost after my affair is now over.  Never felt so alone as I do now.  I almost don't even feel like I have a purpose really.  I thought if someone would tell his gf what he has been doing behind her back it would save her some heartache.  Not sure why I even should care but this poor girl is clueless.  I guess it is just me wanting to get even with him for eveything and me trying to ruin his life but I am just going to forget it all and let God take care of it.  You are correct it is not my place.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Seeeeeeee, I knew you knew ;)

I understand the want to 'protect her', but we just can't save the world against ALL the people who can do them harm.  That is, unless we are Superwoman!

And who knows, maybe he learned his lesson and he will strive to be from here on in the best he can be...just like you want to do.

And you are correct, a lot of the urge stems from the need for revenge, but with revenge, one had better be prepared and dig two holes.  And sometimes, we just want them to suffer as we are doing...it's understandable.

What I think needs looking at is how we allowed one relationship and a man...just one man on this Planet of millions...to make or break us....to determine our self-worth, how happy we can be, or with the loss give us that sense of no-purpose.  There's a lesson in there.  We should never allow one relationship to totally consume us...to hold us up...so much so that we are unable to function/stand on our own two feet if we lose it.

I like your idea of working to be a better person and that includes a better person to yourself that won't ever put yourself in harm's way again.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Chances are, the g/f already knows.  And she thinks when he marries her, it will all go away.  I was married to a serial cheater (he wasn't before we married, it started 5 years into the marriage).  I knew from almost the beginning what he was doing.  He denied, denied, denied.  I finally got him to admit it, and he promised never again.  I think that was the last time I ever believed anything that came out of his mouth.  He got involved in a long term relationship with a young girl (he was 28, she was 18) who was the daugher of a minor mafia guy!  SHE thought she'd get him by anonymous phone calls to me (back in the olden days before caller ID) but I found out who she was......and was very tempted to rat him out to her father! I figured there would be a hit put out on him, and I couldn't do that to the father of my boys.  It went on for 5 years. He continued denying, but strangely enough, she developed breast cancer at a very young age, and the minute that happened, he dumped her!  Nice guy.  I could have talked to her, told her that he wasn't going to leave me, he wasn't going to marry her because he wasn't going to divorce me. (I heard from someone that she was telling everyone he was going to get a divorce and marry her!),......she was long gone, and replaced w/another one by the time I divorced him, and he begged me NOT to go thru with the divorce.  Of course I did.  The bottom line is that she wouldn't believe you anyway.......they always think that THEY will be the one he's faithful to........and truth be known, that kind of guy will never be faithful to one woman.  If he cheats WITH you, he will most definitely cheat ON you!  And she will have to learn just as you did!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I just wanted to say one more thing in response to your post in to Anan in regards to you recognizing that you are not a bad person...just a person who made a made choice and how you are working towards forgiving yourself.  This is good.  We are humans with strengths and weakness.  Affairs are a reflection back of our weaknesses, that's for sure.

This can apply to your xaffair partner as well; and if you are to forgive yourself, it is only fair that you forgive him too, no?

There's a saying by I. Vanzant, I think it was her, something to the effect that people are doing the best they can with what they know.  Keeping that in mind, helps me a lot to get over hurts and disappointments by others.

You are doing a lot of soulsearching and arriving at some pretty dang good conclusions.  Keep up the good work.  The sooner we (in general) stop blaming people, places and things for our predicament, the sooner we start to heal.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013

So Clarity what happened when you ratted your AP out to his gf?  I really appreciate your responses.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Oh thanks, make me repeat it.

<He protected her, hated me for a while, she dumped him and we resumed our relationship for another couple of years...>

Pathetic..the two of us.  I will say though, in the immortal words of Sheryl Crow, he was "my favorite mistake".

I've grown so much since then...it's been over ten years now.  I will never demean and degrade myself competing with another woman.  If he's not available, neither am I.

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013

OH no Clarity.  That tells me that even since it has been ten years that you still think about him.  I'm having trouble with hearing songs that remind me of my AP and I just break down into tears.  I'm really scared now since I never officially broke things off or even told him we were not going to see eachother anymore that he will contact me again in the next few weeks.  If he doesn't then maybe I can get some closure and move on.  It just really hurts me to know that he had a gf all this time and lied to me about it even tho I was the married one.  He knew I was married but I knew nothing about the gf.  Then after I told him in October that I had found out he had a gf he tried to deny it until I told him I saw the pics on facebook.  He finally confessed and told me that his gf is to him like my husband is to me.  He said there is nothing there and that they will never get married because he found stuff on her phone a few years ago from another guy.  Then after I asked him why they are still together he said it was because they have been thru a lot of stuff together.  I could tell from some of the pics I saw of them together that he doesn't look happy with her at all.  Then when I asked him about having sex with her he said he would rather just do it himself!  Now that says a lot if you ask me.  Then he tells me that she just isn't a freak like I am.  I asked him if he was in love with her and he said no and that he has never been in love with anyone ever in his life.  He said he has like a lot of girls but never been in love with someone.  I then asked him why his gf even bothers to stay together with him and he said he didn't know but that she was not in love with him which I say bull crap because she looks like she is head over heels in love with him from what I saw from the pics.  I'm willing to bet that they will be engaged over Christmas this year.  All of this time during our affair I was thinking I might have some future with him but I never knew about his gf.  Now I feel so bad about her not knowing what she is gong to have to deal with when she does find out one day about his dark side. Poor girl is so clueless but like you said it isn't my job to save her from him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2013

I simply HAD to get in on this one. I think as humans and as females that is our first gut reaction. I know it was mine but I resisted the urge to out him. Instead I outted myself to my H and after promising me he wouldn't...my H ratted him out to his GF. Boy some days I think it was a mistake to tell him. We are working it out but there is no way I will ever get to forget it. I have regained contact with this guy a few times and his GF has such a tight leash on him he can barely breathe and he still wants to be with me. Deep inside I still want to tell her what has been going on behind her back AGAIN for the 3rd time but I really see it as a waste of time. She will constantly accuse him and smell his undies and such but she will never leave him.

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