He cheated..is there forgiveness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2013
He cheated..is there forgiveness?
4
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 1:19pm

Hi Everyone,

I went through a messy divorce a few years ago and two years ago I found the greatest guy.  We live about three hours from each other but spend every Thursday/Monday together.  He has been a Godsend to me and my family, bring back love and happiness. About four months ago I found out he had been cheating on me with a women he hired for work for eight months of the 15 months we'd been together.  That sent me through the loops. We went away on a vacation and I have been feeling very close to him again but now there are things that just creep up that I do not know if it's me in my head or if he is at it again. Asking would be stupid because he would only say no, just like every time I ask before.  I do not know if I can truly forgive him in my heart and ever trust him again. Any ideas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 3:13pm

I don't think anyone else can make this decision for you.  I would be very careful here.  You said you "found out" so I assume he didn't tell you--so he would have kept it a secret from you, maybe forever.  That certainl isn't the mark of someone of good character.  Plus the fact that he lives far from you for 1/2 the week means that he has the opportunity plus unlikely for you to discover it if he keeps it in his own town--no likelihood that you or your friends/relatives would run into him out w/ the OW.

I saw the movie Blue Jasmine last night so maybe that colored my thinking here.  It's about a rich woman whose DH is played by Alec Baldwin.  Her sister, who is visiting, accidentally sees the DH kissing another women, then that woman is at a party at their house, so the sis asks the DW "who is that woman?  Do yout hink your DH is very friendly w/ her?"  (She doesn't want to come out & tell her what she saw cause they aren't close.)  So later the DW asks the DH whether he's having an affair & of course he denies it.  Then later she basically finds out he's been cheating on her the whole marriage w/ a bunch of different women, mostly women she knew.  He was doing it right under her nose but he was so charming and would just make excuses about why he was with all these women (his lawyer, his trainer, etc.)

My ex did cheat on me briefly & I didn't leave him but 1) I did not find out by looking in his phone or anything like that (we didn't have cell phones then)--he said he was unhappy & thinking about divorce, so I asked him if there was anyone else.  He said there had been briefly but he felt guilty about it & couldn't keep doing it.  I actually believed him and to my knowledge, he didn't cheat again.  But obviously your BF didn't feel guilty about having an ongoing affair for months--what would prevent him from doing it again?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 4:29pm

Well sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't forgiveness. In your case, you say he was cheating for 8 out of the first 15 months you had been together. That is over half your relationship at that point. I'd say if a person cheated on you that soon into your relationship and for that long, then what is there really to recover from? I'd say you really barely got started and he already cheated. So very early on he revealed his true self to you. I'd say take that as a blessing that you can move on before you become more entwined with him.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 7:09pm

You will want to check out the boards I have linked below.  This is After "Your" Affair, support for the person who is married, or the other woman.   Make sure and read the header and guidelines before you post.  All Sides is more open for debate, where as Betrayed Spouses is for support. 

Good luck and I wish you well. 

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/all-sides-affair

 

http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/betrayed-spouses-support

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 11:59am

Look..when someone cheats...you don't have to stay with that person.There is no law stating that you do.The thing is...when you say that you forgive him...you REALLY need to know in your heart IF you can forgive him...it sounds like you really haven't.Im my opinion...you should have just not gotten back with him because that was a long time to be cheating on you and he never told you?How did he get caught? If you can't really forgive...then leave and move on becuase it's going to keep eating you up inside.