Is he going too far?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2013
Is he going too far?
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 3:07pm

I had a 4 month affair. It has been over for 3 weeks. My husband is devastated. I feel horrible I have hurt him so badly. We just started counseling. I know that of course he feels like he can't trust me, but please tell me if this is normal and ok: he has my email linked to his phone, has my Facebook linked to his phone, is constantly checking my phone for texts and calls, he had something put on my car so he can track of where I am. He has taken my phone to work with him and texted the Other Man pretending to be me so he could see if we had really stopped seeing each other. Then he texted my friends pretending to be me to see if I had other affairs. He has come up to the school where I work, come into my classroom and grabbed my phone in front of my students so he could look at my texts. One male teacher where I work 'freinded' me on Facebook, my husband then 'friended' him and sent him a pm asking, "are you my wife's new stalker?"  I know he is hurting and that it is my fault. I just feel like this is extreme. Or am I being insensitive? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 4:17pm

I think that texting (and involving) other people by pretending to be you and coming to your work place is extreme & I hope you point this out to the counselor so he can stop that.  You do realize that you have to be totally transparent about everything else right now, so yes, showing him your emails & texts and allowing him to see all your Facebook posts is something you're going to have to put up with for a while.  I could even put up with a car tracker if I were in your position.  But there is no reason to embarrass you in front of other people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 06-01-2013 - 2:55pm

Its acceptable that he has access to your email, texts and Facebook, and the GPS on the car, while rebuilding trust. Impersonating you when contacting your friends is going too far; it may even be illegal. And he shouldn't be grabbing your phone in front of your students---your life outside of the classroom is not their business and attempting to embarrass you in front of students or coworkers hurts him in the end. When he gets some perspective he will probably be embarrassed by some of his public actions. If he does anything like that again I think you should talk to the counselor about denying him access to your school campus. He gets to know about your activities---but as a parent, I wouldn't want a jealous or angry spouse coming into my kid's school and acting out. He needs to understand that the presence of minors trumps his "right to know".

All of these actions should be discussed with both of you in front of the counselor. You two need a third party to point out what behavior crosses the line and why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Sat, 06-01-2013 - 7:41pm
Hugs to you janedoe. This is so very fresh and new to you and your husband! I'm not sure you could have a "what is normal" right now. I agree that you must be totally transparent in EVERYTHING you do right now, but also believe that the coming to your class room was out of line. You do need to talk to your counselor about that. From my experience, and I am 2 years post DDay, my husband did all of those things. I also had it coming from my xAP's wife. She would email or text pretending to be xAP to see what I would say. Tough, tough times. In the end, I did everything I could to try and be as transparent as I could, I closed my Facebook account (that actually was a huge relief to my DH), changed my phone number, deleted all email accounts but our joint family one. All of those things are still in practice, my phone is out at all times where my DH can see it and he knows where I am at all times. And this is 2 years out!! It is what my DH needs, so I never look at it as a bad thing. I actually turn it around and ask myself what I would need had he had an affair. You are at the very beginning, and believe me, rebuilding trust is a long, long, painful process. You have to be in it for the long haul. If that is where you want to be. You will be rebuilding on HIS timeframe, not yours. I wish you the best of luck and patience. I learned more about patience in the last 2 years than raising 3 kids in the last 20. ((Hugs)). Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Sun, 06-02-2013 - 2:33am

Being cheated on hurts big time. However, he has gone too far by getting innocent/neutral third parties involved.  If he is doing what he is doing, he should acknowledge he simply can't trust you anymore and get a divorce. Not every relationship can be saved--especially after an affair. Sometimes, divorce is the most humane way to handle things for everyone involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2013
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 2:04am

While it is appropriate to be absolutely transparent after an affair to assure your partner that all of your interactions with others are innocent, i think that in your situation, your husband's monitoring of your every move, social interaction, and personal work environment relationships is now boardering on the obcessive.  It appears that you want to placate your H and assure him that you are now totally committed to the relationship.  But how long do you think you can tolerate his extreme measures?  Trust takes time to earn and re-earn.  Hopefully you two will find a place in which peace and trust prevails..But there is alwalys a point where we reach our limits.  So be careful.  Is he interferring with your work relationships by gossiping or simply showing up and causing concerrn?  Is he constantly monitoring your every move, limiting your social contact etc?  Then you have to decide if this will naturally pass, or will he become a tyrant.  I wish you well.  Stay safe my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 3:53pm
Your DH needs to feel secure in the M and sometimes ppl do weird things when they have been cheated on. You need to do everything to make sure that he knows that you are 100% invested in the M. You don't have the right to expose him to diseases and put him in a position where he is sharing his W. Either commit and stay committed or end your M and date other men. It takes a very long time to rebuild trust once someone has had an A. Your DH is very angry (rightfully so) and I think you should convince him to seek counseling to help him deal with the pain, shame and betrayal.