He hates women

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
He hates women
8
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 12:53am

This is my first time doing anything like this. I need help. long story short... Had affair, got caught after a year, affair started up again a few months later... From start to last week it's been a little over a 4 year affair. We've attempted "breaks". We both go back to each other. When we got caught I called his wife to apologize, she asked questions, I answered them honestly. My husband was deviststed. The man I was having an affair with would would love me one minute then hate me another. When he was angry he would completely ruin me. He would say he hated me and belittle me for talking to his wife.... And it when on until the next day he would apologize. Anyway that's been how its been. Every other week his episodes would come. Now he just bailed said hes over it, hates women, says they are the devil and are only good for one thing. He even says this about his wife. I'm a Mess. He ruined me. I email him all the time with stupid feel sorry for me emails. Please help me know how to not do this and have self respect and dignity and leave, not stalk and please help me forget. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 11:18pm
Hi Kim- I really needed I read this today. I did reach out and yes it's been worse... I can't figure out why I can't just move on. I can't figure out what I'm holding on to. Why do I want him? Or do I really? I'm not we attracted to the man... The sex was good and bad... He does nothing for me... He says he's done and doesn't need another woman in his life... Wha is wrong with me, why do I feel the need for him, what am I holding on to? My marriage is, well strained... No communication, financial ruin, I has no respect for my husband. He's ever been what I needed... But he's put up with my bull crap and I did love him very much at one point. Ugh!!! My anxiety is huge right now. I just don't want to care about my AP soon to be exAP anymore. I don't want feelings anymore.
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 9:58pm

Hi 5, and welcome to the board.

I'm sorry you are hurting and that today was a bad day.

All of us here and on EAS will tell you that it can get better - but it will take some work on your part, and some time.  Right now things are just too fresh, and you really are in the worst of it at the moment.  If you can just give yourself some time and some space - I promise that you will feel better.

Continued contact won't help you right now, though.  I understand how you feel - how emotions can build and build and get the best of us.  It sounds like that's what is happening to you now, and that eventually after a while, you end up giving in to the emotions and reaching out and making contact.

But, as you are finding out - that isn't making you actually feel better, right?  Just the opposite - you feel worse, and get down on yourself for doing it, too.  Not good things, sweetie.

You can get past all of this and move forward and get back to happy again.  This guy is not on your path to happiness, though.  So at this point, a clean break would really be in your own best interest.

When the urge hits, when the emotions start to get the best of you and you feel like reaching out - STOP.  Impose the 24-hour rule on yourself.  (That's where you just wait 24 hours, and you don't send an email or call or reach out in any way at all - and you see how you feel when the 24 hours are up.)

My guess is that even though these urges feel like they will never pass - you will find that they actually do.  Keep yourself busy, focus on other things, and they WILL fade.

How are things in your own marriage?  Where do things stand there?

The hard truth is that you have a lot of work ahead of you in your own life, sweetie.  Turn your focus towards that, and away from the exAP.  There aren't any real shortcuts to healing - but the sooner you start, the better off you will be.

Hugs to you - you're not alone in any of this.

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 9:56pm
Thank you... Today was a bad day...
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 09-05-2013 - 5:24pm

If you haven't already, you could go check out Ending Affair Support, also. 

I know it hurts, but no contact is best. 

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 2:59pm
Thank you! You're absolutely right... This affair has turned into constant pain. I do pity his wife... And kids. I need to work on my self respect and self worth. Not only for me, but for my husband and kids. They deserve it! Thank you again!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 11:12am

Of course it gets easier......the longer you stay away.  What do you do when your mind overwhelms you......you are in control of your mind, it doesn't control you.  Just remember the things he said to you, and the fact that he hates women, but he USES you when he feels like it.  Affairs in themselves are bad enough, but what is the point if it causes you constant pain?  Aren't you worth more than that?  Pity his wife! (which I think you do) and respect yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 10:50am
Thank you. Does it get easier and what do I do when my mind overwhelms me and I feel I need to email him? How do I get past that he is indifferent towards me now. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 8:40am

I am sorry you are hurting. It will take time to get past the hurt. You should not have any contact with him. Do not call, email or correspond with him. Block emails and texting, and his phone number. He sounds like he is a user. He would treat you badly then apologize to you to keep you there for him. Women are good for more than one thing. You are better than that. I know about the pathetic sounding emails. I did it. I feel so stupid that I wrote them. I am not like that at all and I'm sure you are not either. Do not respond if he reaches out to you unless you want to make it short and tell him not to contact you anymore...it is over and stick to it!