Help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
Help please
13
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 12:59am

Hard to type. Afraid to move. Still in shock. Found his profile on an online dating site. Active within 1 week. Guess I suspected. Hard to process. Confronted him. Figured I'd get the truth finally. Guess not. 3+ years of separation, waiting for his divorce. 4+ years in total. Complete waste. I love you. This relationship is serious. You are my best friend. We will be together. Blah blah blah blah. How could I possibly be so stupid? He lists himself as divorced. He's not. I would rather he had gone back to his wife. Actually looked me in the eye and told me he never played me. Please don't let me go through this alone.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 7:28am

I know you are hurting but if he cheated on his W with you, he will cheat on you unless he gets in touch with why he feels the need to cheat. You already know he has the ability to lie. How else could he have pulled off an A while being M. Be real with yourself and realize that he is a cheater. He will say one thing and do another. You already know that. It's not about you. It is about something inside of him. No one person can make another person cheat. It's a decision that cheaters and ex-cheaters like myself make. It's some kind of coping mechanism for something deeper than you. Stop making his cheating about you. It wasn't about what his W was or wasn't doing and it is now not about you. It's up to you to decide if you want to share him for the rest of your life. The decision is yours to make. Stop listening to his words because they are just that, WORDS and start taking action for yourself to be a healthier person who won' t allow herself to be in a hidden/forbidden relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 8:07am
IdK- The same thing happened tome this week or I guess the end of last week. My friend told me she found him on an online dating site. He is living separately from his wife now after dday, but actually listed himself as single. I can tell you that I cried that entire day. I felt stupid, just like you do. You are not alone. It has been 5 days now since found out, and even though I am still heartbroken, I am not crying anymore. So I guess that's improvement. The one thing I didn't do was email him or call him. What could he possibly say to make me feel better? It's all lies and deceit. Give yourself the gift of N/C. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but I do think it is clearing my head. Not that I don't have terrible moments. You can see that in my posts this last week. I am here with you, if that helps at all. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 8:50am

I'm so sorry idk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 12:01pm

Thank you for your replies. I am completely floored at the moment. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to escape. I am not sure how I got dressed this morning and I am really unsure how to go on or what to do long term. I knew he was a cheater so I suppose I got what I deserved, but he has been in therapy for 4+ years. I truly believed in my heart that he was trying to address his issues and wanted to live a different life. It's honestly the only reason that I stuck it out

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 1:00pm
Ah, sweetie. I hoped that you being quiet lately meant that things were going well for you. :(

Only you can truly know when you've had enough, IDK. I know that it's been one thing after another with this guy, that this isn't the first time you've caught him out in a lie, and that, if you continue to be in a relationship with him, it may not be the last time, either.

And that isn't because he's a cheater - it's because he is deeply flawed. If he's been in therapy for four years and this is the best he's doing, then maybe it's time for him to get a new therapist, or to simply admit that he's fine with who he is, and doesn't really want to change.

It isn't about what you deserve, honey. (Because man, if that's the case? Then what the hell does HE deserve, and why the hell isn't he getting it?!)

You know that we are here for you, IDK. We have been here and watched your journey from the early days, and have nothing but love and support to offer you on this part of your journey.

Only you can say when enough is enough. When you've hit the last straw. When he's gone too far. Only you can say when you're ready to be done with this relationship - or done with the relationship as it's been and as it is now.

I know that you've spent a good deal of time in this relationship having to question yourself. I hope that you can learn to trust yourself, sweetie - and that you don't waste any more time questioning yourself in this relationship.

It's time to think about you, honey. It always has been. And I hope you're able to do that, now.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 3:23pm

It's done, Kim. There's really no other choice. It's one thing to troll dating sites. It's another to post a profile -- with photos. I am simply gutted. I really don't have any other way of expressing how it feels. I kind of hoped that if it didn't work out in the end, it would be because he went back to his wife or because we decided it wasn't right. But to be trolling for women on a dating site, listing himself as divorced when he's still separated...I am without words. And even then, when confronted with actual visual evidence, to try to excuse it. I don't know. There's something pathological in that, totally selfish,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2007
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 3:44pm

I don't even know who this person is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 3:47pm
Idle wrote: I don't even know who this person is.

Remember that in the days and months ahead. Because he just showed you.

Take care of yourself, hugs!
~Sunny~
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 3:48pm
I know it hurts, sweetie.

I just hope that you remember that he's pulled crap before, and tried to make you think that you were nuts. I remember. Him telling you that he'd filed papers, that he was waiting on this or that, etc., that the divorce was coming through, etc. And when you questioned him - he made you feel bad, he made you feel guilty, he made you feel at fault somehow.

Please don't let him do that again to you, honey. You are worth so much more than that.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2010
In reply to: idkwiwt
Tue, 01-10-2012 - 5:05pm
Wow..I am so sorry. Did you confront him? I know he is seperated, is he living on his own? Were you two actively in a R? I'm asking because I remember bits of your history but not all.

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