Hi everyone it has been awhile

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Hi everyone it has been awhile
19
Sun, 11-18-2012 - 10:02pm

 Hi everyone!  I dont know if you all have read my first post but I need some help ladies. I ask you if you will please read my first post to get familiar with my situation.  Anyways he pulled me in again and has me under his thumb with his charming smile and false kindness. I told him I miss him and I told him that I love him and that i meant it big mistake... the day after I told him, he brought another girl home for the night one his own age he is 54 and I just turrned 30 two weeks ago. I know he did it to hurt me or try and make a statement. He still says hi to me and tries to talk to me and he always makes wise cracks about my husband really bad ones. It is an endless viscious circle I feel I am losing my mind I can't move. I am the only one working in my fam H got laid off from his job and has been looking for 8 months now. I am barely making ends meet. All my friends say he is obsessed with me and I am starting to think they are right. I cant go to a counselor for I have no insurance what do I do I am torn and I cant take it anymore! I know he is no good why cant my heart tell my head that. Please ladies I am in dire need of some advice I am hurting. :'(

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 4:14pm

Welcome back

I'm afraid I am unable to find your post.  The search feature is disabled and of no use to anyone.  If you are able to find your old post, you can link it here.

But I'm sure it's not all that different a story.  Just like most, we choose to have an affair and we lose as a result of that choice.

I'm sorry to hear that you set yourself up to be hurt.  The only way to prevent this from happening is to implement 'no contact' and stick to it...no matter what.  Over time with some distance away, as you detox from this toxic affair, you will start to get clear...and can use that time to do some introspection and start to heal from all this.

If you are unable to get to counseling (and some will see you on a sliding fee scale), there are tons of self-help books out there....at the library or bookstores...and also you can google search and find links that might interest you...I'd suggest starting with the Baggage Reclaim site.  You can also visit the Healing Library on EAS and read stories from others who have gone before you and are living the good life now.  Just scroll down from the front page.

 http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/relationship-problems/eas

Can you start NC?  Its the one absolute guarantee of putting this behind you once and for all.  Over time, things will start to get better. You just have to take the first step.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 6:57pm

Hi Clarity yes I do want to start NC but it is kind of hard when I have to see him everyday. He lives in the same close knit apt complex I am in one he is number three and there is only 8 units. My hubs and I cant move because I am the only one working and he is actively looking for 8 months and we are barely making ends meet. It seems the more I avoid him the more he seeks me out he will say hi to me and I just walk away I have sent him a letter on FB telling him how much of aprick prick he is and he said he didnt read it but I know he did because he deleted me and blocked me. Anyways avoiding him is what I am doing and he still seeks me out. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 6:57pm

Hi Clarity yes I do want to start NC but it is kind of hard when I have to see him everyday. He lives in the same close knit apt complex I am in one he is number three and there is only 8 units. My hubs and I cant move because I am the only one working and he is actively looking for 8 months and we are barely making ends meet. It seems the more I avoid him the more he seeks me out he will say hi to me and I just walk away I have sent him a letter on FB telling him how much of aprick prick he is and he said he didnt read it but I know he did because he deleted me and blocked me. Anyways avoiding him is what I am doing and he still seeks me out. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 7:27pm

He can try to seek you out as much as he wants.  People tend to do that...challenge on in their minds.  But as long as you keep ignoring him...no engaging with him whatsover...he will eventually give it up.  No more outbursts on your part...in person or by pen or text...no more.  

If you have to act the role of a cold-hearted mean bitch, then that's what you're going to have to do.  

Listen, no one is going to continue showing up when they get the loud and clear sign that they are 'unwanted'...people can take just so much rejection over time.  Actually, some people don't need to be told twice.

Ultimately, silence is golden and speaks volumes.  And just turning on your heels and walking away...add a touch of annoyance to your face as you do so...also sends the loud and clear message that you want nothing to do with him.

I know it's hard sometimes because it goes against one's nice inside, but sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do to protect ourselves.  And this is all about you now...you protecting yourself from further hurt.

((hugs))

Clarity

CL, EAS

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:24pm

Thanks Clarity you are right I just need to be strong and keep doing what I am doing.I think maybe I will add a mean face like a glare and be a bitch to get my point across him sounds like a good idea especially when he brings different girls over when I am here. He is nothing but a player and loser! Oh did I mention he has been married 4 times?! Major Red flag! Thanks :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:24pm

Thanks Clarity you are right I just need to be strong and keep doing what I am doing.I think maybe I will add a mean face like a glare and be a bitch to get my point across him sounds like a good idea especially when he brings different girls over when I am here. He is nothing but a player and loser! Oh did I mention he has been married 4 times?! Major Red flag! Thanks :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:25pm

Thanks Clarity you are right I just need to be strong and keep doing what I am doing.I think maybe I will add a mean face like a glare and be a bitch to get my point across him sounds like a good idea especially when he brings different girls over when I am here. He is nothing but a player and loser! Oh did I mention he has been married 4 times?! Major Red flag! Thanks :) 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2011
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:29pm
Dont know why my post keeps getting posted multiple times sorry :(
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 10:57pm

Don't worry about...it's been happening a lot since the switchover.  And really, reading "And Clarity you are right" three times is fine with me! Laughing

I imagine that it must hurt to see him with his parade of sorry women...rather soon-to-be-sorry women...and I can only hope and pray that everyone's using protection...but hopefully that helps you put a new spin on this JAM (Just A Man).  And married four times!  Yikes!  Sounds like he is a player with issues.  I'm sorry you got caught up in it.  I hope you do your utmost to never be a participant in that parade ever again.

Keep posting in to talk it out and get support.  And you are always welcome to post over on EAS as well.  Post here and/or there...one can never get enough support.

((hugs))

Clarity

CL, EAS

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 9:56am
He really isn't obsessed with you. People who are obsessed with other ppl don't bring OW home. He's a player and you are one of his playmates. The first thing you need to do is go NC ASAP and realize the truth about this fantasy relationship. Once you are out of it you will see it for what it really is.

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