How Could He Do This?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2013
How Could He Do This?
Wed, 08-07-2013 - 4:21pm

So, some of you will know that my affair with Mr Swan ended 7 weeks ago - and it felt as if the world stopped turning.  My heart is still grieving and the tears still come; but it was getting a little easier to keep breathing.

Then I found out that my neighbour's wife (whom Mr Swan was friends with from years & years ago) has left her husband and...

...moved in with Mr Swan !

And this happened just two weeks after me & Mr Swan broke up.

Oh god, I feel like such a fool; he really played me didn't he?  After all the emotional cr*p he put me through - I HAVE to leave DH immediately 'coz he can't live without me, he doesn't want to be my dirty little secret, he loves me so much, I am his soul mate - it turns out he was only clearing the way for his True true love to move in with him.

Why? What was so wrong with me that he could play such a cruel, horrid game with my heart?

It hurts so much to know that I am still in love with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 08-08-2013 - 1:18pm

You're not "in love" with him, you're "in love" with what he represented to you......a way out, or just an example of what you want in your life.  He could "do it" because he really didn't care about you.....he's a man who spotted a lonely woman, and he took advantage of that, for his OWN interests, not yours.  And he probably had the other one on the line at the same time you were with him.  I could say she moved faster than you did, but I can also say that she didn't get a prize.......and YOU avoided a disaster.  I'm sorry to say, but a man who would have an affair with another man's wife is a man who has no respect for marriage.  And that's probably a man who would (and DID) cheat on you without blinking an eye.  You say the other woman left her husband, but did she actually divorce him?  She was probably caught in the same spell you were, and you can be thankful that she's with him, not you. Living with a man is very different than seeing him occasionally for a little love and romance.  Chances are she won't be around long, so don't be tempted if he comes crying to you when he's lonely.  You know what he wants, and it's not love and marriage.

As for your marriage, it's obviously over, and you need to make plans to get out ASAP.  You need to talk to an attorney about what rights you have as far as financial support and property.  I'm guessing you're not in the USA, so your divorce rules might be different, but certainly you would be entitled to child support from him.

I don't think you hate your husband, you're just bored with your life with him.....and that happens to many people.  You married him for the wrong reason to start couldn't think of a reason to say no!  and now you regret that.  You got a little taste of "love" and now more than ever, you want that.  Great, we all want that!  Now you have to do things the right way.  Get a divorce, try to make it amicable because no matter what, he's the father of your child and you will have to deal with him at least until your child is grown.  It's a lot easier if you can get along with him.  Once you're divorced, you need to take time for figure out what you want in life, to experience being single and being free to date, to find out what you really want in a man, and to enjoy life.  Ending a marriage is no easier than ending an affair, but every ending represents a new beginning, and you can take the time to enjoy life on your own, without looking to any man to make your life good and have to do that by yourself.  And you can do that.

Life is good.......enjoy it as much as possible. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-08-2013 - 5:26pm

I think I mentioned this to you before, but this was probably an exit affair.  The R that helped you find clarity within your own M. 

Even in an adulterous R, it still hurts.  I remember feeling like separated MM was cheating on me, with his W.  It is the sick insanity of anything affair related. 

Take advantage of this time to truly look at your own M and your own well being.  I don't know your story, so if your M is over then be fair to your DH and move on so HE can move on.  If you don't take this opportunity to work on yourself, you will meet someone else and find yourself in another A. 

I am assuming, of course, because you are posting in AAS that you don't want to continue living like this. 

Hang in there.  I won't be easy, but you can get through this.  Do things you haven't been doing, like maybe hobbies, spending more time with friends or family, or what have you. 

Keep us posted...

Serenity CL making a second marriage work


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2013
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 11:18am

Thank you ladies - your words really have helped, and today has been a pretty good day.  Well, at least it hasn't been a dreadful day !

Fissatore, you make a valid point when you say he was only in it for his own interests.  I stupidly thought he really was the love of my life until we'd been apart for about 4 weeks; by then, I was able to remember some of the things he had done / said to me which just didn't add up.  And I knew that the neighbour's wife had had a crush on him for years, but it was always an odd friendship they had - one I just couldn't quite get my head round.  Now I know why !

And while you are again right about him not being a man to value marriage, I'm not able to hold the moral victory on that one - he was single, I was the married one, so I was the one in the wrong in that respect. But yes, he did spot a lonely female and it wasn't until we had broken up that I realised just how lonely I was.

While I realise that my loneliness now is down to my having experienced a man who only appeared to put me first, it has shown up why I am so dissatisfied with my marriage.  I AM lonely.

I do not hate my husband, in fact I admire him for so many of his good qualities, but at the moment I'm not able to see past his bad qualities. And it is not fair to him (granted, he hasn't been fair to me over the past few years but it's my mind set which has changed, not his.) So yes, I do want out of the marraige and I fully realise that he is DD's father - he always will be and I will work hard to make sure the split is as amicable as possible.  It won't be easy, but I do want DH and me to be able to get along together - we were friends once upon a time...

Serenity, you always write things which I know myself but need to hear from someone else - thank you. I remember going through the pain of realising my marriage was over; I mean, realising that my husband and I were not in love, not lovers, not friends. But that was five years ago and the pain is just a memory. So the end of my A is a new pain, and one I do not EVER want to go through again.

Time to move on, from it all. The mess, the hurt, the pain, the shame; I WILL become a better person who is able to see the best in myself - and then I will be able to see the best in others.

Thank you again, both of you, I will keep posting to let you know how I'm doing - it's such a relief to be able to share this with you.

Ms Swan x

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Sun, 08-25-2013 - 9:12pm

Do you feel bad for the neighbor leaving her H and moving in with this despicable person? Do you think she is getting what she deserves? I guess the best answer is you don't think about him anymore . This is a brutal game. And it's hard to feel much pity for myself when I get hurt. 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:35pm

Hi Ms. Swan -

Ouch, huh.  Okay, so that sucked a lot - but now you know, right?  And now you can start moving forward and looking ahead, and quit looking at this guy like some knight in shining armor. 

He's just a guy, just a human being, weak and flawed and as screwed up as the rest us.  :)

And he's not going to be able to save you - looks like you'll just have to save yourself.  And in reading your posts - I believe that you can and you will be able to do just that.

It does get better.  It all just takes time, and work.  But you are making a good start, from the sound of things.

So, where do you go from here?  The answer is - anywhere you want to.  :)