How long does the pain hurt for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2012
How long does the pain hurt for?
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 4:11am

I am sorry to be posting here but am feeling the more I write things down the more it might help me to come to grips with things.   I had an affair with a guy many many years ago which culminated with him staying with his wife and moving abroad to work.  After many years he moved back to the UK.  However, all through the years there was always a little thread running between us.  He would occasionally phone to see how I was, invited me out for a coffee, then when email started he would email randomly just to say hi...always telling me how me I was the love of his life.

 Anyway cycling on a few more years and no contact with him again I then get a random call out of the blue saying his wife had left him and he was getting divorced how about us getting back together.  I was hesitant for 3 years about meeting him and just carried on with emails here and there. 

I am married but things in marriage are not right with intimacy etc.... so there he is the love of my life wanting to meet with me and give me love.  Wrongly, I meet him a couple of times and then of course BAM...we are involved.   He wants me to leave my DH and go to live with him so that we can start a new ife. The love for me was oozing out of every pore in his body.  His life was revolvling around me I could see it and feel it.   I am not making excuses but I was vulnerable around that time with lots of family issues but none the less did what I did.  So for 2 years he has waited for me to leave my husband.  I left to be with him twice but always ran back home straight away...he was asking me to make a life changing decision, move to another area with no friends etc etc.  Also he is 10 years older than me and I was now wondering about the age gap and would I become his carer in later life    Anyway I don't know I was confused...BUT I still loved him and the intimacy was fantastic.   

Last week he sent me a text saying he couldn't carry on like this and wanted to move on with his life - obviously very apologetic.  I know that I couldn't expect more I couldn't/wouldn't leave my DH to be with him.

However, I am heartbroken of course.....he has been in my life for so so many years and I have always been the love of his life and all of a sudden I .ve been chucked out and will probably be replaced with another model.   

Of course he needs to get on with his life...that's obvious. I told my DH before the last time I left and remarkably he wants us still to stay together  So I am working on that now as he is a very kind and loving person.

I regret bitterly what I have done, I feel like I have messed up everyone's life.  The pain and emptiness that I am feeling not having my lover there is awful and its been a week now.  So my title is how long does the pain last for.  I know there is no answer for this.  But as I said even posting this here has made me feel a little better.

Please don't be too harsh with me as I know what I have done but just need to get through this pain threshold of broken heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:55pm

Greetings to you that is reading this testimony. My name is Andrea Ramsay, I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage, he left me and the kid to suffer, one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back, i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back, because i am now happy with my husband. His email again is

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Wed, 11-27-2013 - 12:30pm

How are you doing now with your husband?  Are you doing well? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2013
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 2:58am

How long does the pain last?  Hmmm verry difficult question to awnser. It depends on how many years you invested in the relationship.  The nature of the relationship,Other people that may have also been involved.But, .Unfortunately you will have to bear your pain all alone.  Difficult of course when you are trying to protect your spouse from the hard cold truths.  Unfortunately, we can't always sugar coat things.  You ran to something  that looked so undeniabley sexual, something so enticing and exciting.  Then you got scared and ran back home.  Then you ran back.  Face it: you were a scared little girl drawn to the excitement--the what if!--but you just arent that girl..Because in the end you ran right back to the security of your husband who very generously accepted you back..  Taking risks are for those that seek adventure and the unknown.  Those that accept their decision and its implications,  You my dear jumped out of your comfort zone into a thrilling sexual affair all the while knowing that your ultimate comfort resides in your home with your husband.    So, again, how long does the pain last?  Thats up to you honey.  Go curl up tonite  beside your loving forgiving husband by the fire and just begin to see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2012
Fri, 05-10-2013 - 3:33am

Kim and Serenity.  Thank your words have helped me so much - this is the only place that been able to share my feelings.  xx

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 4:27pm

The longer you go with no contact, the easier it will get.  That is, if you really care for him, and your DH, and do what you know is right.  

Don't carry all the weight on your shoulders.  Yes, we have to be accountable for our own part, but we can't take on the load of others.  Your AP chose to wait for 2 years, and that is not yours to carry.  

Now, is important to learn from these things?  Of course it is.  Would it be okay to do again, with him or someone else?  Of course not.  We must see our part and learn from it so we don't repeat it.  

That is one reason why we have AAS, and why those who still choose to live that way have MAS.  

Hang in there.  Focus on your M and see what comes of it.  Even if you do get D, at least it won't be because of another man.  Good luck and stick around.  

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 1:14pm

Hi Dancing - and welcome.

No apologies for posting - you're in just the right place.  :)  I sent you a PM too, since the boards are so quiet lately, so check for that.

I am sorry for the circumstances that led you here.  It sounds as though you've been on the emotional roller coaster for a long time, huh.  But the good news is that you can get off of it - and that while exiting the ride can hurt, the pain will fade, and you can be okay again.

Given that your true ending is so fresh, I can tell you that you are in the very worst of it right now.  I am sure that you are second-guessing everything right now, and feeling very lost and confused.  It gets better, though - I promise.  Give yourself some time to heal, and to grieve, and to work through everything.  It isn't an easy or quick process - all of it takes time - but there is an end point to the pain.

Hugs, Dancing. 



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2012
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 5:51am
Thank you - this is what this was supposed to be but it all got all out of hand. x
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 6:07pm

  You have not messed up anyone's life.  Just stop hurting yourself.  It maybe you will need to have a lover for intimacy.  Many people come to that conclusion.  Just enjoy living.