how is this possible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
how is this possible?
10
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 12:44pm

I think you all know my story - 3 As w/ same women over an 11 yr period; each lasting 5-9 mos, with

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 1:00pm

Hey MM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 1:41pm
Will, I don't have much advice, I am just responding to the pain I hear in your post.
I don't know how but I think you have to let her go. How much agony have you suffered over this woman over the years? I makes me want to cry.

Assume you will NEVER hear from her again and I hope the fates are not so cruel as for you to not get another wrong number call from her area code, that is just unfair.

Are you in T right now?

I am very grateful for you sharing your pain here today although I am sad you are going through this. I think it helped answer my question from today in part. Kim is very right that we all learn from each other.

I need to get to indifference. How likely is that if we remain friends?

You need to get to indifference. Go NC in your own heart. Don't contact her any more. Believe she will not contact you.

Ugh, it is so hard some days.

May the force be with you,
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 5:56pm

Thanks Lulu, thanks Rain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2010
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 6:31pm
Yes, if she came to you, begged you and pleaded to have a life with you... you would give it to her. Not judging because I am in the exact same boat as you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 6:58pm

Will,

Of course it is possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 11:13pm

You remind me of my exAP.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 1:27pm

Thanks Anna - as usual, fantastic insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 3:31pm

I can't really comment on your situation Glo as I don't know much of anything about it, but I can say there's a bit too much transference in your post to be accurate to my situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Thu, 01-12-2012 - 4:52pm

Ahhh, Will....but there's always three sides to a story.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2012
Fri, 01-13-2012 - 8:47am
I have never posted on this site until today because your post moved me so much. I have experienced a much similiar situation with my xap, who I actually grew up with and we have been in and out of eachothers lives for decades. Your friend sounds eerily like mine, saying things like "as long as we are on this earth there is a possiblity"... That is the most selfish and evil thing I have ever heard. All she is doing is making sure IF she ever needs or wants you (and yes I'm sure she always wants you in the background so she can have her cake and eat it too- just like my xap who doesn't want me as much as he really just wants to know he can still HAVE me). You said you made a promise to eachother to be there if you ever "need" eachother but that is a dangerous game. It leaves hope in you where there really is none. You should not be available for anyone who " needs you" outside of your own M and family and same for her. My xap used the same line on me, many many times. Finally I told him his W needs him and I need my H and anything else is pointless. Believe me I know your pain. I was about 2 months nc after our latest episode and one email from him sent me back to square one. It's painful and heartbreaking and I hear what you are saying about how awful you feel about doing this to your W again and what kind of person that makes you. It sounds,like you have many things to grieve in this A. There is a book on Amazon about breaking your addiction to ppl ...I'm going to look it up and send you the title, because make no mistake you are addicted to this woman. Physically, mentally and emotionally addicted. When I wished for a way to get amnesia so I could forget about him I knew I was an addict. And most addicts know that their drug is not good for them, has too much power over them and rarely even gives off the high they are looking for. I can say he's been important in my life, that we have a special bond,crust he was there for me growing up when no one else was that he does love me, I know he does in his own selfish way, but that's all the past and I chose to marry my H. That is the life that needs my energy. Not the A....It's more pain than anything else.
Find your love in your wife. It's not impossible. You have infront of you someone willing to give you everything you need but you search for it where you know it won't be found...and are willing to take such pain just for a bit of this woman. I hope you do get some help and stop your addiction. I hope you don't mind my suggestion, but The therapy you need is called IFS Internal Family Systems Model and the "parts" work will be so helpful to you. I can tell by your writing that you are at war with yourself. I am in the field and I can assure you it helps. I have sought it for myself and am able to process this much better ( but still have lots of work to do).
Wishing you peace.
"No one can make you feel lnferior with out your consent" ~Eleanor Roosevelt