I am still here..working hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
I am still here..working hard.
10
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 12:14pm
Hi everyone. It's been weeks since I posted. I have been reading and soaking it all in. I have had contact with Kim, which I greatly appreciate. I would like to share some of what I have been doing, and some very hard work I have ahead. I changed T's 5 weeks ago, and after a few meetings my T showed me a program called "The grief recovery handbook". It is a book designed to help people dealing with any loss, what YOU consider loss, meaning it doesn't have to be death. My T has been to the Grief Recovery Institute and taken their training. Anyway, after much thought and being completely terrified, I agreed to go through this process with her. She told me it was tough, boy she wasn't kidding. I have had what I consider 9 losses in the last 2 years, only 2 of them being actual deaths. It doesn't matter, any loss I see as a loss, is a loss, which in turn brings grief. That, I have leaned is a fact. Of course, my xAP being the final straw. (I guess not to mention very public d-day, and separation from my H). Here are some things I have just been shocked at, like in a good way (at the same time this is tough stuff!) there are six things that our society teaches us to deal with grief (a very emotional based feeling). 1. Don't feel bad....how many times have people said that to you? You SHOULD feel bad. It's that they don't want to see it, it makes them uncomfortable. 2. Replace the loss...I know I'm not the only one who thought having another affair would ease the pain. Or the time I told my daughter when our dog died we would get another one. Oy! 3. Time heals all wounds...they consider this the most dangerous one. Action heals wounds. You don't watch your leg bleed and wait for time to heal it. 4. Be strong for others...my most devastating thing I have done to myself, starting at 17 when I gave my daughter up for adoption. 5. Keep busy. This does not fix unfinished work in ourselves about the relationship that ended. And...drumroll....6. Grieve alone...which is what I have done my whole life till I knew I was in big trouble and found this board. All of these we have been taught, by society, our parents, not because they didn't love us, but because they didn't know any other way!! (Huge moment of forgiveness for me with my mom who died 2 years ago. And my dad who is still here.). In these few weeks, I have learned that we all tend to deal with loss(grief) with intellectual ideas, rather than emotional ideas. Loss IS emotional. I am starting next week on learning some of those skills. This week my homework is to make my "loss history graph". This goes from my first memory to present date. This will help my T and I to see where and what we need to do to heal my undone grieving. Hard hard stuff. But, I want you to know, I am still N/C, I am already seeing results from what I have learned, although I still have anger, at a lot of things, but because I am on this board I will say my anger at xAP, is fading. He is a narcissist, I am a co-dependent, and neither one of us could have known the pain we would cause each other. We should have known the pain we would cause those we loved, and I will be putting that on my loss graph too. Thanks for listening. I am getting out of bed a little easier each day and seem very "in sync" with spring. :) Hugs to you all. Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 6:07pm
Hi Daisy,
What an excellent post. I have not had such extensive grief training, but would love it if the opportunity arose to get something like that. My class in grief and grieving just touched briefly on some of the points you mentioned. <<<<...I am still N/C, I am already seeing results from what I have learned, although I still have anger, at alot of things, but because I am on this board, I will say my anger at xAP is fading.>>>> That is huge, Daisy. I used to think it was wrong to admit that I was angry at anyone, or anything. I was so angry at my DH for years and refused to admit that. It festered and festered and led me to a very vulnerable point in my life. Xap saw that vulnerability. Being extremely vulnerable himself, we fed off of each other in the most unhealthy way. We called it a "friendship". In actuality, it was a ship that took us down into a pit of despair. No friends about it.
I am so glad to hear of the great work you have done and continue to do in this process of grieving.
((((HUGS)))) to you,

Hearts<3
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 03-22-2012 - 6:12pm
Daisy sweetie,

I'm happy to see you - thank you for your post. What great information for all of us to have, thank you so much for sharing it with us. :)

I know that what you are doing is so, SO hard - but you are such a fighter, and I know that you will get through this, and come out the other side so much lighter.

You know that we are always, always pulling for you, Daisy. I know that what you are working on is so tough, so if there is any way that we can help to lighten your load, just yell.

Big hugs, honey -

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 8:27am
What an awesome post Daisy!
<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2011
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 9:55am
Hey Daisycakes. It sounds like you found the perfect therapist for you and this process could be hugely helpful. Please keep us informed of how things progress. This could be helpful to so many.

Hugs and more hugs,

Lu
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Fri, 03-23-2012 - 10:35am
Rain, Lu, Kim, Hearts....thank you so much for your encouraging words. I do believe this is going to help me so much...it already has. I was nervous posting these new things I have learned because they so go against the gain of what we usually think. I do not mean to offend anyone if any of those 6 things have worked for you!! But I was going in circles, for way too long, and this way of thinking has really opened my mind up. I have started my "loss graph" and wow...when it is put on paper, it is amazing how many things I have not dealt with. They are on the graph. No going backwards now. I have to go over this graph with my T on Wednesday and go from there. Hearts...it took me along time to admit I needed this kind of help, much less find it. The looking in the mirror about why I had my A was the moment I realized this was beyond my capability of figuring this out. There is no shame or weakness in that. When my water heater broke, I didn't stare at it and think I could fix it! I called a Plumber!!! Ok...I called my H because he runs a heating, air and plumbing company. Hahaha!!! But you get what I mean. Oh..I crack myself up sometimes...weird huh??!! Anyway...it's out there Hearts. Google this way of grief recovery if it interests you, and of course I would share everything I have learned. In the book, they recommend finding a partner, someone you can trust to tell it all to if you don't have a T in your area that has been to their institute. On a complete side note, well maybe not, because now I am starting to see myself heal, maybe xAP is too, he has started to make payments on the loan! I guess what I learn from that is...sometimes things just don't go how you think they should, because they really shouldn't go that way. We were not meant to be together, but maybe this was someones way of showing me there was work to be done on myself. There is so much light and forgiveness and healing in learning. Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 11:15am
Daisy love,

It sounds like you're already making progress, you already sound better! I can only imagine you going up from here, though I know that you'll have to get through some more hard stuff on the way.

It sounds like you are in very good hands though, with your therapist. And you were the one to take that step, to find someone who could help you. :)

Big hugs sweet pea - you know we adore you.

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 7:40pm
Thanks Kim! I did find that person all on my own, but honestly, I never would have gotten to that point without this board and the wonderful, caring, supportive people on this board. I was such a mess when I came here. I have hard work ahead, but my mind is clear, no fog or insane thinking. I'm not sure I can ever thank you guys enough for your support during my many "tries". ( see Kim? I didn't use the f word!!). N/C has been the biggest key to my success, and I never felt alone because I knew you were all here! My only way to make this right is to pay it forward....helping those to come. Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Tue, 03-27-2012 - 7:50am
Daisy, you are an inspiration. There is so much merit and value to you! You are stronger then you know and growing stronger all the time. You are finding yourself. Someday you will look back upon your worst day and look at it as your best day, because of the end gifts it gave you! Big hugs!!!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2011
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 9:18pm
Oh Sunny. Thank you so much for that. My T and I started on my "loss history graph" today. At some point I just looked at her and said..."this sucks, I don't want to do this any more" as tears streamed down my face. This getting to the bottom of what made you have an affair in the first place is tough stuff. Maybe not for everyone, but for me the journey and work is long, deep and painful. I think she was surprised at what was on there just to age 25. That's were we got to today. The whole point is to be honest in these sessions, which is why it is so important who you pick to do this with. I am being brutally honest, with myself, with her and I am exhausted. She assures me this is all normal. She says I have been like a pressure cooker, all these things building up because I would never deal with them, and my xAP made it boil over. I am not a victim, I don't want anyone to say I am whining. I am just putting out there how incredibly hard this journey of figuring me out is for me, just in case anyone else out there is feeling like they are over reacting to ending an affair. As I dig deeper, I am actually so far away from even worrying or thinking about xAP, just coming to terms with how much this was not about him. No healthy relationship could have started with me at this point in my life. My T told me to trust her, even before we started, I told her today that I am really having to use that trust right now. See assures me the payoff will come. Daisy
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 04-02-2012 - 12:41pm
Hugs, sweet Daisy.

I know it is so tough right now - but I am so in awe of you, that you are being so strong, and seeing it through.

xoxoxo

Kim