I deserve a fate worse than death

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2014
I deserve a fate worse than death
16
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 4:41pm

I've been in an affair for 2 years. It's been wonderful and horrible at the same time. I'm completely addicted to the OM. I feel so out of control, my life is a mess. The affair ended, I thought I would be relieved, and I was for a day, now I'm devastated. I feel like I'm going to die due to my extreme guilt for having the affair, and my broken heart for loosing the OM. I know I'm horrible and selfish, I truly want to die. I've considered suicide because I know this will all be found out some day and I will destroy everyone involved. I can't believe how much of a liar I have become, but then again I never knew I would feel the rush of what I thought was true love from my affair.  I've been married for 20 years and neither man knows of the other, I have made myself sick with panic and guilt . I hate whom I've become and have ended the affair 15 times prior, but can't seem to function without the OM.  My marriage has always been rocky to say the least. The OM came into my life and made me feel smart and beautiful, he was married at the time and left divorced his wife, he thinks I am divorced as well, but I'm not. I live a double life and seriously am the worst person alive. All I do is lie and lie and lie to get my fix from the OM.  I deserve to loose everyone I know that.  I truly wanted a divorce from my husband, but when I asked him for one he was extremely hurt so I couldn't live with hurting someone so badly, so I just continued relationship with the OM. Not one single person knows about any of this. I can't talk to anyone. After all the horrible things I've done it seems I'm mostly worried about how to get over the other man, my heart aches. Without the OM my life will consist of nothing at all but my merger existence. Never in a million years would I ever think I'd be in this situation. I'm so confused and disgusted and so heartbroken. The OM has started dating a new woman and I feel so jealous even though I know he deserves better than me and he deserves someone whom he can have a future with. I know the both deserve someone that's not a liar and cheater. God if I could go back in time and not have done these things I would in a minute. I wish so badly I could be the woman I pretend to be to these men, that woman everyone adores, the real me is disgusting. I wish I could die, but I'm to weak to pull the trigger and blow my brains out. I can't think of any way out of the mess I've made and I know people have no sympathy for an adulterer whom has destroyed the OM family and lied to my own husband for 2 years. Everyone in my life has only loved me when I'm perfect. Little does anyone know how imperfect I really am. I know I've made my bed and I need to lay in it and face the music and I deserve to be hurt as badly as I've hurt others. The OM was the first person whom ever seemed to truly love me, but he would hate me if he knew the truth about me. I've lived in a fantasy world for two years, it was so dysfunctional and yet made me feel so good. I'm problem addicted to the OM, I know I should just let it go since it haven't been found out yet. But all things come to light and I'm terrified. Sometimes killing myself seems the only solution, and I deserve to burn in hell for doing all of this to only make myself feel good regardless whom I hurt. I truly hate myself. I can't afford counseling and if I call a hotline I'm afraid they would call police or would contact my husband.if I mention suicide. I just need someone to talk to that won't judge me. I wish my fantasy life was my real life. I know I'm weak and a coward. I've never experienced so much guilt. I'm trembling as I type . Maybe I'm a psychopath or some other horrible type person. Sorry for the typos. Someone please help me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 9:11pm

Hello. First of all, you're not a psychopath because they don't have any feelings about hurting anyone and you have those feelings. That old saying about how the truth shall set you free...well it's the truth.It does set you free...free of all this pain you're going through and the hurt.You need to tell your husband that you want a divorce and WHY.He will be hurt BUT it's not fair for him to be in a marriage where he's not loved. He deserves to be with someone who loves him and you don't..not in the manner that a wife loves a husband. Also I know all about needing counseling but not having the money for it.I too have lots of things I need to talk to someone about because at times I feel that it's crushing me to death but although I too would have liked to have ended my life...I haven't and don't want to now because there is that door that is slowly opening for me again and I want to enjoy or go after the life that I know that I deserve...so that's why I"m still living.So about the OM...it appears to me that you love him BUT you lied to him too about actually getting a divorce which you never did.Well to be honest I don't think that he's going to be too angry at you for lying to him about that since you both lied to your spouses when you got together.Now he's found someone else and apparently he's not in turmoil like you are.You need to be truthful with these men once and for all.Your life is at stake here.You need to come clean for your own well being.For counseling you can call around to find seesions that are on a sliding scale...meaning they go by your income. Something will pan out.The only person who can change their outcome is that person. Please find the strength to move forward with getting the help that you need.Telling 1st your husband is the beginning to moving forward.You only have 1 life to  live while on this planet.Don't you want it to be the best one you can live??

Good luck.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 9:13pm

Please call the National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is available 24/7.

What you are feeling is normal when a relationship ends. Please get help. Nothing is worth your life!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 10:33pm

  There is nothing wrong with being selfish.  We only have the time given.  It is time to look to yourself .  Figure out what you want to do.  Get a divorce why not.It's your life.  Too many people live in aself imposed prison and miserable.  Do what is good for you.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 05-26-2014 - 11:46pm

You need to simmer down.  You're not the first woman to cheat, and you won't be the last.  It is NOT the end of the world.  Unless YOU tell people, no one will know.  People who feel tremendous guilt confess because they think then the guilt will go away, but it doesn't.  All that does is add pain to other people's lives.  You aren't in love with your husband.  If you were, you wouldn't have had an affair.  You said you wanted a divorce, and he was hurt!  Of course he was!  But he will get over that hurt.  As someone else says, he deserves to have someone who loves him unconditionally, so if you want to redeem yourself, then get a divorce.  Don't ask HIM for a divorce, you get a lawyer and file for a divorce.  If your husband wants to know why, just tell him that you don't love him anymore, and he deserves to find someone who DOES love him.  Don't lay any of your guilt on him.  He doesn't need THAT.  Get yourself some counseling and get over the guilt.  No one knew, so no one was hurt by it.  It's over now, and it's time for you to move on.  You might get the a/p back, you might not, but what you really need to do is build a life for yourself, learn to be happy and contented and move on with your life.  You might or might not meet another man that you can love, but first you need to be self-sufficient and self-reliant.  Find a good counselor and learn to love yourself, and be a happy contented person.  You didn't mention any children, and I hope you don't have any.  But if you do, then you have to stay strong and happy for them.  Do not bring anyone else into this......just take care of yourself, and don't give any of the others your pain.  It doesn't go away if you share it......it just spreads misery.  Good Luck to you.......get yourself some good help.  Love yourself enough to do that.......peace will come in time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2014
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 12:19am

I don't qant to cause any more misery. There are no kids at all thank god. Its so horrible how much pain an affair causes, and how I've become the woman I always hated. Thanks eceryone for not slamming me. I tried to delete this post but it wouldn't let me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 10:48am

You need to stop beating yourself up!  You made a mistake, that means you are human.  You were/are lucky because no one but you knows about it, so no real harm has been done.  As for your a/p, whatever he did was of his own free will.  You didn't force him to get a divorce.  Maybe like you, he needed to get a divorce, so in a perverted way, you helped him do what he needed to do.  Now this rude awakening is going to give you the incentive to get a divorce yourself, and to move on and find a happy life for yourself.  This isn't the end of the world.  You are still a young woman and you can still make a good and happy life for yourself.  Yesterday is history, don't dwell on it, it can't be changed. LEARN from it.  Tomorrow is a mystery......you never know what wonderful thing might happen tomorrow.  Today is a gift, that's why it's called "the present".  Enjoy today, and look forward to tomorow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 11:18am

First of all, committing suicide is not the answer to anything, so please get that out of your mind.  You might think that it's a solution but think of the people, like your family, who would be very sad if you weren't here.  You made a mistake but you didn't kill someone.  If you have always had a rocky marriage, I don't know why your DH would be so surprised that you would want a divorce--it's not like you had this dream marriage and he would be blindsided.  First you have to decide whether you want to salvage anything with your DH--I assume you don't.  If not, then the most fair thing to do would be to tell him that you have decided to get divorced--not to ask him, because in most states, you don't need the other person to agree.  of course he will be hurt for a while but at least you will be honest--it's better than cheating and going behind his back.  You can tell him that the marriage isn't good and you want him to be free to meet someone else.  I don't see any reason to tell him about the affair because you will only be doing it because you feel guilty--it will make him feel worse, not better.  You just have to learn to live with the guilt.  the OM has moved on so he is unlikely to track you down and tell your DH.  You should not contact him again unless you are actually going to get divorced--and then only after the divorce is final.  In that case, you should tell him the truth because you should not be starting a new relationship based on a lie.  You have to take the risk that he might not forgive you.

The real problem here is that you are depending on other people to make you feel good about yourself.  You said the OM made you feel beautiful and smart.  Either you are smart or not and you should know whether you are.  I know I am smart--I don't need someone else to tell me.  I also know I'm probably average looking--not beautiful and not horrible.  yes it's nice when I find a guy who compliments me on my looks but I don't need that to have self esteem.  I think self esteem really comes from accomplishing something yourself--if you have a job where you can do things successfully, then you get self esteem from that.  If you do things where you help other people, then you feel good about yourself--maybe now would be a good time to do some volunteer work.  It would bring you out of yourself and you could feel good about helping others and not feel like you are a terrible person.

I think you should also consider counseling.  No counselor can tell your DH anything about your problems without your permission because of patient confidentiality laws.  Do you not have health insurance?  Everyone in the US should be getting health ins. now which should cover counsling.  Otherwise, check into local mental health centers and ask if they have resources for low income people or sliding scale, or if you go to a church, maybe there is someone there to help.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2013
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 3:06pm

It sounds to me, like you really need to get this off your chest. There's an old Scottish proverb, "Confession is good for the soul". I know it seems scary, but from everything I've ever read about extra-marital affairs, the way to move forward is to get things out in the open with your spouse. At that point, you can see if you two are willing to work on your marriage. Hugs!

~ sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2014
Tue, 05-27-2014 - 9:42pm

Please don't be so hard on yourself......Everyone has a past and today you are not that woman that will allow anyone to hurt you. You are content hurting yourself. You stop that.....I bet you are a good worker, someone considers you a good friend. Because you told no one your inner most secrets, means you don't want to hurt anyone. And I am sure the love you have for OM was good when it was good and bad well you get the picture. Truth be told OM filled a place husband lacked and husband holds a special place. (DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND) Why hurt him now? Build yourself up before you take on your pain and his that's not sensible. Your OM doesn't love or respect you the way you deserve. Leave him in the past. When you are back on your feet and reclaimed your self respect. You will meet the man who will love you and not hurt you. Till then learn to be still breath and love everything and everyone and LOVE YOUSELF ! Tell us 5 good things about yourself. I will help you if I can be hopeful k 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2014
Wed, 05-28-2014 - 12:37pm

Well I guess 5 good things about me would be 1. I'm a teacher so I love kids. 2.I voulenteer for activitys involving kids. 3. I help elderly people in my negiborhood. Its inside that I'm a mess. Thanks everyone for not judging me. I live in such a small town. Wish I could escape tis mess I've made. 

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