I ended it... how to ensure it's over for good?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
I ended it... how to ensure it's over for good?
5
Thu, 03-29-2012 - 2:17pm

I'd been having a mostly emotional affair (some physical intimacy but no sex) for about a year. We're both married. We both had major guilt all along - thus the no sex. We fooled ourselves into thinking we were in love but just couldn't be together because of impractical circumstances and our current responsibilities. Over the year, there was increasing drama/me "breaking it off" but then going right back. We just got in this complicated, anxious circle of push and pull, come and go, questioning the relationship and our feelings, the future, etc.

I knew I had to just end it, so I finally did when he admitted how much he loved the lack of responsibility and fun I entailed - aka, he was using me. Duh. I kind of knew that already - and I called him out on it and broke it off. He was pretty upset and said he feels evil and that since I seem to think anything he says is BS, he won't even try to explain that I'm wrong and will let me go but will miss me and is sad/regretful over my decision. I am pretty sure he will never try to get in touch again - which makes it easier. He is quite passive and restrained.

I feel relieved now, and my husband (who does not know about this and I don't plan to ever tell him) and I are reconnecting - things with him never got bad, but I kinda checked out. I wasn't appreciating what I have. I got pulled into this web like I had no control, which was dumb.

But I do miss the other guy - mostly just the way he sometimes made me feel so fun and sexy... it really is like going through withdrawl after kicking an addiction. I am worried about relapsing. I deleted him off my contacts, facebook, IM... everywhere I can think of. But if I really want to get in touch, I can figure out a way. I can't do that ever again - so I am hoping you can offer some tips, resources, etc. about staying strong and keeping him OUT of my life. I know what I need to do; I am not so good at self-control when emotional, though. Help?

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010

Hi redlightgo,

Welcome to AAS and good for you in ending your A.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thanks so much - this is all helpful to hear. We've only been out of contact for a couple days, but the last few weeks were really just talking about the relationship and we were trying to be friends, so there wasn't anything explicitly affair-like for some time now - except, yeah, I guess any contact was wrong.

Today when I signed into IM, I saw his OLD IM signed in. He hasn't used that for contact with me since we used to work together (yes, how we met, but the A didn't begin until after he left) - thought I'd deleted it but he must have had that one online yet invisible at the time I deleted all his info. I deleted it, of course. I wonder if he made himself visible because this was the one last place I hadn't cut him off?

Argh... obsessing. And you say week 3 gets bad? That's when I will be on vacation with H. Dang.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Hi redlight, my xAP fished after 4 months of NC. I was quite sure I would never hear from him. Too proud I thought.
We never got back in to the A. But we did try to "be friends again" for several months.
Very painful and ultimately it does not work.

Much love and strength to you.
Rain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Thank you - these kind of real-experience reminders are what I need to hear, over and over. I need to love myself and respect myself, and pity him if he does make contact. Nothing good can come from any kind of reconnection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2012

I feel like I could have written this only I had been friends with my xap since college.