I guess I may need help again.
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|Tue, 01-22-2013 - 12:12pm|
I have not posted in quite a while other than a few drop-ins. It has been so hard to find the time but I am making time now because I realize I may relapse soon. And I miss everyone. And want to know how everyone is doing, too.
I do think this is an "After" post, not an "Ending" post so I am posting it here...because I am not back in anything, but struggling!
I have not made attempted contact since August 15, 2012. Lately, I have become dangerously close to making contact. It is like my mind suddenly decides it would make total sense and be okay to try and reach him. I find myself picturing myself drafting the email I would write, or the phone message I would leave at his work. Yesterday I even had a very clear and convincing mental picture of me driving to his work before he arrives, waiting in the parking lot and then approaching him when he gets out of his car! For a second or two I thought I could and should do that. I can NOT do that. That is totally crazy! I don’t want to be a crazy person. He already thought I was a nut job during the A.
I have not had any PA with anyone since Sept 2011 (I had two rebounds when we ended May 2011). In Sept 2011 is when I became pregnant with my son (by my H! I actually didn’t sleep with any APs technically). Baby was born May 2012. Throughout that time since Sept 2011 I had maintained just a friendship with a MM, strictly friendship but considered EA by many on the boards. I cut him out April 2012 but we are emailing again. And I also have responded to texts from an old flame that contacts me occasionally – but , I haven’t physically seen him since May 2011.
That was a time in my life, spring/summer 2011, that I was out of control, had no regard for myself or others, was totally A-addicted, no sense of reason or consequence or respect for marriage, my own or others’. AP #1 was not married but had a GF as did rebound #1. Rebound #2 was married. The ‘old flame’ was engaged when we reconnected and has since gotten married (unless that plan changed since we last discussed). The married friend has since become divorced and at times I feel jealous.
Anyway all of that crazy with all those men (ugh) is pretty much behind me but then it all comes back, in my mind, to AP#1. I still keep him on my mind, daydream of running into him, hearing from him etc. I daydream of contacting him like I said above. I feel like I am so desperate for an escape from what is going on in my reality and he is/was the ultimate. I shudder and feel icky when I imagine starting any other kind of A with anyone… except for him, something in my head just always seems to ‘allow’ him – like it is always okay with him. Why can’t I get past i for GOOD?
I am seeking a new therapist as we speak. I have bounced from one to the other, neither and H and I as a couple, nor myself individually, can seem to be helped long-term. Thanks for listening… I know I rambled. Just trying to talk myself down from a ledge here…