I had an affair - need advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
I had an affair - need advice please
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 9:28am

I screwed up big time this year and had an affair that started at the beginning of the year.  I told my husband I cheated and he said he would try to forgive me which he tried really hard to do so but then we started arguing again and things got really bad again so I went back to the guy I had an affair with for another round.  After a few weeks hubby found out I went back again.  The reason I had an affair after 15 years of being married is because my husband told me at the beginning of this year he wasn't in love with me anymore.  That rattled me to my core and instead of doing the right thing and getting a divorce I decided to have an affair.  Well now I have realized that I am completely in love with the guy I had an affair with but I'm too afraid to tell him I'm in love with him. I know my husband is divorcing me which he should since i was the one that cheated on him.  I know I messed up by not getting divorced first and believe me karma will get me for that I'm sure but my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and I just lost my mind and needed to know that I could still find a man that would desire me and I did.  Problem is I don't think the guy I had an affair with has any clue at all that I'm in love with him.  When i just think about him I just smile.  He makes my heart smile and makes me feel like I matter in this world.  Its really hard to explain but I feel like he is really my soulmate that I have been looking and hoping to find my entire life.  Please don't yell at me for having my affair because hubby has beat me up plenty for my mistakes and I know I did a really bad thing but I am not a bad person...really I'm not even if I sound like a witch for what I have done.  I did confide in a friend to explain what had happened and my friend said it is a blessing in disguise because of how bad my hubby has treated me all these years like having no problem with me being the bread winner which really bothered me but I had to take care of my family.  My friend said if she would have known I was the bread winner all this time she would have told me to divorce him years ago.  So please I need advice and please don't yell at me or cut me down anymore I beg you.  I really am just lost right now and so in love with my guy I had my affair with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2013
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 1:32pm

Thank you for your honest and forthcoming post. It is a shame that your marriage went this rout because I can guarantee that every relationship that lasts for more than a couple years will run into issues. I want you to know that the feelings you have for this man you had the affair with probably has more to do with biological bonding then with love. Everyone needs to feel wanted and when we are rejected by one person it is natural to find comfort with another. But - that's not love. As far as your "soul mate" goes, I have information I can share but I will wait for you to ask for it. I will close with a simple question - can you imagine having a fulfilling and committed relationship with a person who willingly became involved with a married woman? Why wouldn't it happen to you?

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 4:53pm

Hi Lost, and welcome.  You are in the right place.

In a nutshell, it is important to walk through your D without assuming things will work out with AP (affair partner).  I will be honest, the chances are slim.  With that said, when I was very active here on AAS, many of us had moved on into RL (real life) with your AP's.  I think 4 or 5 of us eventually got married and all are doing well. 

I say that because first, it was my experience and second, so you don't think you are crazy falling so hard for your AP.  Because it is way too soon to know, as you walk through your D (divorce) it is important, and I mean REALLY important to live on your own for quite awhile before even considering anything permanent with this guy. 

There is a very different high when you are sneaking around then there is in the mundane daily life we actually live in. 

Hang in there and I hope you stick around. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Thu, 11-21-2013 - 6:11pm

I want any advice you can give to me RedWing.  Any advice at all is better than what I have right now.  

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 11-22-2013 - 8:37am

 1st stop beating yourself up.  No you did not mess up except for telling him.  Some things need to be kept secret.  Yes, you are looking for emotional uplift and the excitement of having a lover can do that.  I strongly suggest learning to compartmentalize emotional and sexual feelings so you do not become confused.  They are not the same but many people confuse the two.    I would say infatuation  not love.   As you have been deprived so long that any positive relationship would incur the same feelings.  Love and in love are two separate items.   These are often confused.    Get the divorce and enjoy learning to be single. and do date many.  There is no good in settling down again with the first one who comes along when you are vulnerable.   


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Mon, 12-09-2013 - 2:26pm
Well I just wanted to give everyone an update. I have been doing terrible and my poor husband is wanting to work this out but I don't think he will ever trust me again and I can't blame him. The worst part is that my AP hasn't even tried to contact me at all and that is killing me. How could I have not meant anything to him? He told me once before that we could have tried to have a normal dating relationship if I wasn't married. I was thinking about sending him a message telling him that I am getting divorced and see if he will want to pursue something with me. That way I will know for sure if he wants to have any kind of relationship with me after my divorce or if he was just saying that at the time to keep me happy and continuing to see him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2013
Thu, 12-12-2013 - 12:27pm

Someone please give me some advice.  PLEASE

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 7:55pm

As long as you hang on to the thought that there is a chance to having him in your life you will never get over it.  

If he is worth ruining your marriage, your family and life over, then go to him and learn for yourself that it is EITHER over, or on.  

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 01-22-2014 - 1:09pm

Hi Lost,

How are you doing?  Any updates?