I just want to run away...
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|Wed, 07-03-2013 - 6:27am|
I'm new here, new to talking about my relationships on a forum, and new to the pain. So please be gentle, as I think I might break.
My DH and I have been together for 16 years, married for 14; he is a nice man - albeit selfish and thoughtless - but nothing you could really point to and say "That's a reason to end our marriage." But for the past 5 years I have wanted to end the marriage; have always chickened out - I am self-employed so money is ALWAYS an issue for me, he works away from home so I am in effect a single mother for half the year, he moved us away from our home town and has spent the last seven years fixing up a rambling heap of a house... For "us".
Anyway, before Christmas I went to deliver a card and bottle of wine to a friend of our neighbours; a really nice, quiet man who I've known for seven years and always thought was interesting in a clam-shell kinda way. You know what I mean? Didn't think anything of it, other than I was being Christmassy ! Well, he was obviously feeling down, and asked for a Christmas hug before I left - it really threw me, this was no ordinary hug and felt like he wasn't going to let me go.
So Christmas came and went, and I couldn't get this hug out of my mind; it was just so unlike him, and I called him in the New Year. Ostensibly to wish him happy new year but the conversation got round (was lead?) to the hug. Turns out he liked me.
More phone calls, more talking, you know where this is going right?
Right - it wasn't an easy relationship. I was too emotionally fragile to give him what he wanted, and he kept testing me - pushing my buttons to see how I would react. Badly, it turns out, and it ended a week ago. It ended messily with a heap of unresolved feelings on my part - what he thinks is anybody's guess, but I'm betting it's not good.
DH, in the middle of all this has been to work, come back again, and is away again. And I haven't had the nerve to tell him yet that I want out of the marraige. I have found a new job with regular income, and a house; but it will take a few months to get eveything in place. I know I'm a coward for not telling DH sooner, for not being able to discuss it with him - and yes, I do feel like I'm running away from it all. But really, at the moment I can understand why some women walk out on their families. I love our wee one so much, but am not able to give him the attention he normally gets from me; I'm too wrapped up in my own despair.
It's just so tempting to get in my car and drive.
Will it get easier? I need someone to give me hope - I know all too well what a stupid, selfish fool I've been - but i think I need to know I'm not alone here.