I'd appreciate the AYA take on being friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
I'd appreciate the AYA take on being friends
24
Wed, 01-11-2012 - 12:04pm

Hi everyone,

Quick back story since I have only posted a few times on this board, I was a regular over at EAS....

MW, had a 2 year (mostly) EA with someone I had been very good friends with for 10 years prior to the A.

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Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
I don't think it's possible. I've seen too many try and fail to really believe in the idea, I suppose. And I think that even for the people who say they're successful at it...that the friendship comes with too many conditions and disclaimers for it to really be or stay a *true* friendship. I think that you have to be too careful, I suppose. And I don't know...it just seems like having to be careful in a friendship can't be good for anyone, really. To my mind, that just isn't conducive to a deep, true friendship. I suppose if you're only after a casual sort of friendship, on the surface, then maybe it's possible. But then, why even bother?

And I think for you, Rain, you've already tried that, and it didn't go so well. Yes, you have more time under your belt, of course, but I can't see that really making much of a difference. The circumstances are still what they are - the line was crossed, and can't be uncrossed. So I'm not sure that time away really matters.

Affair aside - even in just a normal, regular friendship, sometimes there are lines that are crossed. Someone says or does something that hurts you, or you find out they have a belief that you cannot agree with, or whatever the circumstances are - a line is crossed, and no matter how hard you try, it can't be uncrossed. The relationship may continue, but something fundamental shifts...and it's never how or what it was after that. I mean...has anyone else had that happen, in any of their friendships? I have.

And then yes, if you add your husband to the equation...I think that really does rule out any friendship possibilities with this person. Even though he doesn't know, YOU do. And trying to reconcile that in your mind could be tough.

Is it worth it? There are so many negatives...can the positives (if there are any) really overcome all of the negatives or potential negatives?

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thanks Kim, you are right. I want a real friendship, not a surface one and I think we will always be too careful for that to happen.

You were right about posting even when we are feeling down and think we can't help anyone. I know just putting it out there helped me to "work through it" and I know now I am done.

Thank you sweetness!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007

I think wanting to be friends with an exAP is just a junkies mind's way of justifying a little snort.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thank you Glo for your response, it means a lot that people care enough to respond. I was platonic friends with xAP for a very long time prior to the A and I can say with conviction that I will never slip down that slope with him. I did it for 2 years and it ripped my heart out. It was so totally not worth it. I have been out for almost 8 months.

But, it wouldn't be a real friendship anyway. I think it would just make me sad that we no longer had that pre-A friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2010
Rain...its hard to go back once that line has been crossed. You can't unring a bell.

I know you miss what you had with him..is it possible? Well..anything is possible and if you gave it a shot I would just promise myself to end it if things progressed down that slope again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2011

I have not gone down the "friendship" road myself so can't speak from personal experience.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
I think that the thing I would worry the most about in even trying for a friendship is that if it didn't go well...you'd have to go through the ending process all over again.



All of us know (or will know, for those just starting the process) that the first months are the hardest, and that the worst comes first, at the beginning of the ending. And for someone who has already been through the worst stage...to think about having to go through that again? Ack.

One of the things, probably the biggest thing, that I hope anyone who posts here takes away from this board is one simple idea: It's time to stop hurting yourself. It's time to start liking yourself again, to start believing in yourself again, to start trusting yourself again - and most importantly, to start seeing your own value and worth.

And in order for any of that to happen...we have to stop hurting ourselves. Start there, and the rest will follow.

:)

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Anna, I think you summed it up perfectly.

Odessa, I don't think it will ever head down the A slope again.

But as you all note, how is this "limited" friendship going to make me happier. it's not. i think it will be sad and depressing and tinged with guilt.

For ANYONE who is reading this board and contemplating an A with a good friend, do NOT do it. It hurts like h3ll.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009

One of the things my ex-AP and I spoke of many times, in all 3 As, was we found it impossible to stay in a static state.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Thank you Will, for your response. I think xAP feels the same as you. He in fact said to me, when I said there was no point in us being friends because I would always have my guard up with him and all our conversations would be about the weather, then let's talk about the weather.
I think men and women might be different on this. He'd rather we just talk on a very superficial level than not at all. I'd rather not, it depresses me.
We live thousands of miles apart now, there can be no PA. He thinks I would stab him in the eye if he tried to restablish the EA. He won't try it. I would walk away in a heartbeat. I just can't go through the pain of feeling like my heart is in 2 places again. I am 8 months out. It still hurts but it is better.
I am sorry for your pain.

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