Im guilty...so hurt me
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|Mon, 05-05-2014 - 11:24am|
Making mistakes is easy but learning to live with them is the hardest...
I married my best friend at 17 and he was 21, yes my verbally abusive parents signed for us to get married. He saved me from an extremely verbally abusive home life. Sometimes I truly think I wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for my husbands love and support at the time. He knew marriage would save me and save us, so we were madly in love with each other and went on the adventure. Ironic to think that marriage was my way of seeking freedom.
My husband worked 3rd shift when we got married and he would come home to play WORLD OF WARCRAFT. I was so alone and could not understand how he would ignore me to play that game for hours and then go to sleep. I realized I got in his way and started hanging out more with my friends. That is when I decided to move out and he was devastated. I told him his video game addiction was killing me. That is when i had an affair with a friend. It was a one time thing and it was almost a way to fufill my loneliness. I was so young and stupid. My husband stopped the video games and I moved back in.
Then he got a traveling job, we traveled together doing photography and had so much fun. Being together like that,healed our marriage. Then I got tired of never being home so I got a job in town and he kept traveling. He was only home about once or twice a week. Sometimes he was gone 2 weeks at a time. I remember I had to ask him to please call me at night to at least say goodnight because he would never ever call me. I felt so alone...so I fell in love with a co worker. I was ready to leave my husband who was never there for me and my co-worker got scared and called it quits. I was 20 at the time and felt crushed. Felt so alone all the time, begged my husband to be with me and please have a regular job but he never understood how important it was to me that he would be around and spend time nurturing our relationship.
I went on with our marriage and we got pregnant. We had babies after 5 years of being married. We have a 4 year old, a 3 year old and now a 3 month old.
My husband and I overcame the multiple affairs, he forgave me and told me we would make it through them no matter what because we have a strong bond. I never lied to him about my affairs and he forgave me in what i thought a genuine way. He acted as if nothing happened. I cherished that in him and I started to want to basicly "worship the ground he walked on" because i felt like he deserved it.
Two years ago his father passed away to cancer. It was devastating for the whole family, we bonded because we suffered together and we understood each others pain. He even told me at the hospital to not leave him alone because he couldnt go through the death of his father without me. I slept on the hospital floor with my husband for two days watching his father slowly pass away. But after the funeral, he started to act abusive, violent and angry all the time. When we fought he began to push me around. One time he pushed me with the palm of his hand on my nose and slammed me against the wall so hard...i hit the thermostat. I remember my nose was bruised and my head hurt so bad. I let that go because he was so sorry and dissapointed in himself.
Then we had other fights were he began to spit on my face. Yes...spit, i didnt know what to think about it.
Then he started breaking furniture when he got mad and call me names. Whore, bitch, crazy, slut...and all the other dirty names I heard at home before I married him.
Every time he did this...i expected him to apologise but he slowly started to not even say sorry. He would see me cry and he would walk away and get mad. He stopped wiping my tears and lost empathy for how he made me feel when he did those things to me. Part of me knew his behavior was wrong, but i feel so greateful that he has forgiven my affairs that in a way I truly think in my heart that i deserve to be called all those names and treated that way. But one night, it got specially scary after he had been drinking (never had a driniking problem before) and I had to run out of the house with my newborn baby because he was coming at me like he was going to hurt me and the baby. Police asked him to leave and he has been living at his friends house for 2 months now.
As soon as he left he didnt apologise...he said in a text " I hope you are happy now". He also created an add on craigslist under the "men seeking women" section and started talking to other girls, and created a profile on hookup.com.
He has never been the "player" kind and is very introverted, very nerdy and overall a good guy who enjoyed being home. Ever since he left he goes out at night and ends up texting me in the middle of the night for a booty call.
We are going to our first counseling session today because he said he wants to give counseling a try before we file for divorce. But I still feel guilty about my marriage failing. We have 3 beautiful kids together and he comes to see them everyday for a little before work and takes them to school. But on the weekends he does not keep them because he says I chose this life.
I almost want him to live with us again because we miss him...but I feel like I have apologised enough for my actions and dont know if I can take more of the abuse. He never hit me hard enough to make me bleed or bruise me bad so maybe im just making a big deal out of it?....could it be worst? sigh...