I'm new & need help! UGH

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
I'm new & need help! UGH
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 11:27am


I am a married woman who had an affair with a married man ,it's been about 5 years since I broke it off with him. Even though I loved him and love him still,I had to break it off because I kept getting my heart broken. When we first together,we became very serious. He talked about wanting to marry me etc. I have never felt so strong about a man until him. Ultimately what it came down to is I felt I was not a priority and he could sometimes drop off the face of the earth for months at a time. 

I finally got the nerve one day to say to him " let's take a leap of faith and take the next step forward" (Meaning to be together). Even though he's the one who initiated these conversations between us,he ultimately told me I was moving too fast. This was after we'd been together for 3 years. Shortly after than he did another "dissapearing act" and I didn't hear from him for a couple of months. The first time he did that to me,he was gone for almost a year. I became very depressed,to the point I didn't even recognize myself.

To make a very long and painful story shorter. I found out a couple of years later that he got divorced and pretty much was looking to hook up with about a dozen different women . This hurt me. Even though I was the one who broke it off with him,I still loved him but felt he wasn't good for me emotionally. I felt my heart was just a play thing to him.

So time has passed by and out of nowhere he sends me a Facebook request BUT he sends no message along with it ?? When I first saw his request,I was dumbfounded. I felt feelings of panic and those familiar knots in my stomach were back. I don't know why but I don't like the feelings that I get. I love him so much and I truthfully I've never gotten over him. I have not accepted his request,it's just sitting there. I of course am trying to figure out what the intention is. We have no mutual friends and he no longer had my email or phone # so he had to have searched for me. This is tearing me up but I don't know why I feel weak all over again. My gut feeling is to not accept his request. I just have a bad feeling about it. On the other hand,I feel like a b*itch for not accepting it. 

A part of me thinks he just wants to flaunt that he is single and doing splendidly (I'm still married) . There's just something I don't trust about it.

Please I need some advice or input. It hurts to see him again ,even in his profile picture. I would think that if he were truly interested in how I'm doing,he would have sent a message with it to say "hi" at least but no.

Confused ..


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 2:10pm

I think it's better to keep him out of your life permanently and avoid a lot of pain and trouble.  Remember that 1) when you asked him to get together with you, he wouldn't do it and 2) when he did get divorced, he didn't seek you out.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 04-15-2013 - 7:25pm

  IMO do not allow him back.  This is not the advice I would give if it was just a sexual thing but "love"?  Really?

  I read so many who say they "love" but I have my doubts.  Our Western culture places a lot of emphasis on emotional infactuation.  Both men and women fall for this.  A FWB or booty call is usually in a better perspective of the totral life .


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 11:34am

Thank you for your reply Musiclover. I'm not going to add him. I feel sad in a way because I do still have feelings for him but I know deep down inside,he'll just hurt me again. I don't have any desire to see his relationship status updates either. I just wonder what his true motivation was for adding me and why he never bothered to send me a message.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 11:38am

Thank you for your response Xxxs. I'm not going to add him but yet I feel bad for not doing so . I can imagine he won't think too highly of me or wonder what the hell my problem is. 

As for my feelings for him,I really did /do love him. When things were good between us ,they were wonderful! He and I just fit together. However that doesn't change the fact that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. He was too concerned about himself . 

I did ask a friend about this as well and she said that not only should I NOT add him on FB but block him as well. I just wish I knew or understood ,why this is so hard for me. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 1:31pm

And where does your H and M stand on your list of priorities?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2013
Tue, 04-16-2013 - 3:41pm
Jackson,my H AND my M are high priority but before you judge me like you're so easily doing,walk a mile in my shoes! I have been married over 20 years and many of those years,I've spent alone ,married to a husband who was verbally abusive and just plain neglectful. I was trying to put my marriage back together for years and years,I finally gave up & in the mean time,I met this other man. My H knows all about my affair and ever since I broke it off with the other man,I haven't been involved with anyone else because I really do want to work on my M but don't be so judgmental . I assume you're on this board for a reason too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 1:27am

He could have sent the request to test the waters to see if you want to resume having sex with him, or maybe so you can see his home page with other women friends, or maybe he's one of those people who wants to have a huge number of so-called friends on FB. You know him so you would be better able to guess his motivation.

Should you accept the request? Only if you are willing to get your heart broken again. He's made it clear in the past that he is a player and did not want a permanent or serious relationship with you.

Click Ignore next to his request and try to forget about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 8:48am

Follow your gut. You know that if you friend him, it will only stir up your feelings and you will be drawn back to him. You need to protect yourself from the situation and friendin him opens you up to seeing what he is doing. Don't worry about what he thinks of you. If he cared about how you felt, he would have come to you when he got divorced or would have not disappeared for long periods of time when you were together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2009
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 2:50pm

You could not have answered your own questions more clearly than you did in your response to Jackson_Iv2004. You gave us a scenario and asked for our opinions, and all Jackson_Iv2004 had to do was ask you one simple clarifying question and you went off like an insecure teenaged girl. Your defenses regarding this situation are sky high and my guess is it is because you know what you are doing is wrong wrong wrong. Take a look at that. Heed that. Here is your umpteenth warning bell.

If you want self esteem you have to do esteem-able things, and it is apparent that the mere thought of adding this man as a 'friend" on facebook is having the opposite effect.

And why invite the same trouble you have already been through?

You know this man does not love you and that dipping your toe back in these waters cannot end well. That you are tempted to go back in to this arena speaks of an ongoing problem within you that you cannot blame on him or your husband.

Figuring out why you have such a need for this sort of attention could lead you to having a happy life yet first you must uncover and deal with your internal unhappiness. I am speaking from experience. Good luck. (Edited for clarity.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 9:06pm

" ever since I broke it off with the other man,I haven't been involved with anyone else because I really do want to work on my M"

If you are trying to rebuild your M then you must know that to resume any kind of contact with xAP will undermine that rebuilding. It doesn't matter why he sent a friend request because you know that you need to ignore it, and ignore his existence--so who cares what he thinks of you. If you cannot let go of xAP emotionally then maybe you shouldn't be married to your H because you will never be able to rebuild with another man in your heart.