It was never an affair but felt like it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
It was never an affair but felt like it!!
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 8:38am

I sepererated with my ex in Jan 2012 after 7 years together and two children, because he betrayed my trust and been lying about doing Heroin. I had helped him so much that this was my final straw, I had nothing left emotionally as I'd been there before and never expected a relaps again. I never saw the signs becuse I finally learned to trust him after the early days of him using. So I ended it! 

I'm 29 and decided to go out most weekends with all my friends of 15 years, This helped me deal with the direction that I wanted to be going. One of my male friends Dean become close, we talked about my problems and likewise because he had been in a situation like me. One day after a few drinks we had sex, but this was previously agreed to be no strings and this was my way of finalising my past relationship over for good. His attitude towards me was relaxed and what ever goes its just fun! a week later it was his birthday and I found myself kissing his flat mate whilst drunk, He saw but didnt seem bothered by it, So he said!

So I said that I'm single and dont want any tie's. I actually enjoyed the kiss and flirted with Max his Flat mate online, as we known each other on and off for years and dated for a week when we were 15. As the year went on there was a tension between Max and I and we both had drunk kissing occasions but didnt take things further. And my freind Dean who I slept with told me that he had strong feelings for me, I had to turn him away as this was not what I wanted, I all ways made this clear that it wouldnt be more, but it was clear to everyone how he felt towards me, so I backed off. 8 Months on Max and I finally slept together but this had to stay quite becuse of Dean, We did many times and would text each other all the time but the pressure of keeping things quite was really hard for max as he knew Dean would throw him out. And we had to stop seeing each other. 

A few months later Me and my ex desided to try again, it all felt so right this time and has been going great for the last 10 months, its like a new relationship and bridges have been fixed. I went to a birthday party and Didnt expect to see Max there knowing id be there. But After lots of drink I found myself in his arms kissing and more without a blink of an eye, Ive never cheated and there was no thinking involved it just happened. Max has'nt all ways been upfront about his feelings but he's very aware about how I feel, He's confused me beyond belief, He doesnt live with Dean no more but he wasnt aware that I was back with ex. It was hard to get him out of my head before and since this episode I'm thinking about him constantly again. We have blocked each other on Facebook like war. I wish I had the guts to talk to him to his face. I dont want to be thinking about him again where its hard to shake. Why did we have sex again like that, If he had no feelings whats so ever why sleep with me after so much water under the bridge. And why am I still Blocked from everything online still when we still get on? Surely if he didnt care, we would still be online friends. I never hassled him online so Im still confused. I blocked him to move on as it hurt, is he doing the same thing. Timing has never been right for us, but something needs finalizing. When were together at partys we all ways manage to look at each other in a drawing way, He will all ways be watching me. But when were apart now unlike before he's so distant. My friend suggested recently that he's in Love with me. I need opions on this ;-)