It's Roll Call Time - Yes?

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
It's Roll Call Time - Yes?
38
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:42pm

Of course it is.  Because, why not?  :)

Tell me you're here, present and accounted for - issues and all.

Where are you at in the whole "after" process?

If you don't feel like you are in the "after" process, but are on the fence, or have been trying, or want to get there - won't you also come out and say hello?

See...my view counts are gone now.  And I feel like I am blind, and out of the loop.  And you guys know how much I hate THAT.  :)

How is everyone doing?  I mean, aside from the technical difficulties.  How are you?

xoxoxo

Kim

    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2011
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 1:38pm
Kim, I'm here every day reading. You are my hero. I'm 4 months out from an awful d-day. Had a mini d-day 18 months prior which I posted on EAS at the time but can't find any posts since the board changes. ARgh. I will post an update on my story soon. Can't right now..I'm at work, but wanted to pop in and give a shout out from a loyal lurker to let you know we *are* here. xoxo landslide
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 2:32pm

Hi Kim my love, I am here, present and correct, strong and happy, checking in most days, but not posting as much.

I am firmly established in the "after" process, so much so that I have grown roots here, and although my thoughts and feelings fluctuate from day to day I am well and truly over my A and over xAP. I very rarely think of my actual A these days and when I do it's in a kind of detached way of in terms of a previous time in my life when I used to behave a certain way and was in a bad place emotionally and mentally and it's with a sadness of what I did and who I was. And when I think of xAP I have no fond feelings any more, there is no longer an ache for him or a desire, in fact he feels like a stranger to me now, like I never really knew him and he never really knew me. It's quite a strange feeling, I mean 2 years of all that intensity and now there's a complete emptiness in terms of him and me, he means nothing to me. I wish him well and I know he's happy, he has a fabulous life and a wonderful family, so I don't worry about him at all, and I don't hate him and I'm not angry with him ..... maybe this is what you call "indifference"Undecided

My focus at the moment is on myself, on learning from the bad choices I made that led me to have an A and on being a happier, nicer, more honest decent person, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job, I am happy, and I feel good.

Thanks for checking in Landslide, I don't know your story, and it's so nice to see who is here and who cares, and it's brilliant hearing from another Kim fan, she's my hero tooSmile

Love Soglad x o x o x

 

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 2:32pm

Hi Landslide - thank you soooo much for coming out!  :)

There are a few of us around who have been through the d-day experience.  We're here, if you need to talk.

Big hugs,

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 2:58pm

SO GLAD!!

Man oh man, sweetie.  You sound SO good.  Do you know that?  It is so lovely to see.  :)

Did you ever think you could get to here from there when you started out?

Smooches,

Kim

    

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 3:18pm

No Sweetie, never in a million years did I imagine that I could possibly be this happy, if you had known me 9 months ago I was a totally different person, I was at rock bottom, just a shell of myself, and now I am genuinely the happiest I have been since my babies were babies, and it feels good, and it's all down to these boards and you and all the other wonderful people who have helped me get to this place where I am nowSmile

x o x o x o

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 3:50pm
I am hear too....struggling with head vs heart, If this NC is the right thing why does it hurt much?? "Right Love, Wrong Time"
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 4:46pm

Hi Tily,

I know it's hard - but I promise it gets easier.

You just kind of have to trust in the process, and believe that it will get better.  It really will, honey.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 9:22pm
Kim it's been nearly three months since D-day and now 2 weeks of NC. I know I have to stop loving him but I am not sure I want to???
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 10:38pm

It's okay if you don't want to, Tily.  It isn't like there is some switch you can flip *snap* and just like that, everything will fade away.

It will take time.  And you will just have to grit your teeth for some of the process, and let all of the feelings come, and wash over you, and let them pass without acting on any of them.  They will pass, if you let them.

And whether you want to or not - you *will* have to let go, sweetie.  If you don't, you're dooming yourself to sit in the very special hell of limbo - not quite in, but not quite out either, and that is nowhere that you want to be.

I know that this hurts - but I promise you, THAT hurts far worse.  You've already had a taste of that, right?  Where you went NC, and then he broke it a little bit, and then went NC again - how did that feel?  Whatever high there was from the contact - was it worth the low after?  I would guess it wasn't.

And, with him having a d-day of some sort or another - that makes all of it even harder, sweetie.  Especially given the fact that the whole truth didn't come out yet.  Any further contact only increases the certainty that the whole house of cards will come tumbling down around you.

This NC isn't a punishment, Tily.  It's a gift.  One that you can give to him and his family, and one that he should be willing to give to you and yours.  And, more importantly - it is a gift that you can give to yourself, by maintaining it.

You're the only one who can set yourself free, Tily.  You don't need his permission, or his blessing.  And it's okay if you don't feel ready for that, and it's okay if you aren't sure that's what you want.  But, do it anyway.  Do it for you - so that you can get some time and some space to start to figure out who YOU are, and what you want, separate from him.

I promise, it won't be wasted time.

Hugs,

Kim

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Thu, 11-29-2012 - 8:34am

I'm here. Posting a ridiculous amount lately.  5 months (+ or -) out of A.. but I did reach out last week..pre-holidays. Luckily he did not respond.  I feel like I have gone from just fumbling and falling in the pitch black of night..to just bumping into things on a grey day. Spending LOTS of time at home with H these days. Realizing that a huge part in my A was dealing with my own issues of intimacy. Fear of being engulfed at home....and once in A..fear of being abandoned. Spent several months digging into these fears..and have now realized that (aha) I CAN'T be abandoned or engulfed anymore because I am no longer a child. Crowded and left? Yes...but that is all. Other than a few thoughts like that..I am finding that more and more of my obsessive xAP thoughts are now shifting to remembering how to play classical music and coaching a couple of Odyssey of the Mind teams. Or..on my H! Who would have thought?

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

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