a journal entry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
a journal entry...
1
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 11:34am

 It has been a taxing week...received some unexpected texts from xAP earlier in the week. it has left me..wobbly. (yes..i like that imagery..stolen shamelessly from another post, 'nother thread) I deleted..but it has thrown me into more emotional questioning and turbulence than I want to admit. I realized I was more in limbo than i wanted..kept repeating the mantra (stolen from Point of Grace song) It's not who you know, it's not what you do..it's how you live. So that said..stealing a segment from a journal entry earlier in the week, because it 'splains my rambling thoughts better than I can...and for some reason? I felt like alternating between second and third person when I did this. So if you are particular about that sort-of thing..you probably shouldn't read this..it will drive you nuts!

"Whew", she says, as she lies her head on her desk "What a day, what a day..". Or maybe the head on the desk scenario is simply a luxury she has allowed herself to imagine all day. It has given her mild comfort and amusement.

Maybe, instead, she is sitting on the torn, blue leather couch in her den, her bare feet perched on the coffee table. The table that holds the marble chinese checker board, some unidintifiable electric cord and devices of one of her sons ..and a Catholic Study Bible. Why? Because for some bizarre reason she has been drawn to the relationship between the prophet Elijah, and the prophet Elisha..maybe because she was drawn to the idea that Elisha could call a bear to mall 42 misbehaving children (why would you do that..really?) while all she could do is document behavior, reprimand and discuss the repricussions of inappropriate behavior. You know..suddenly..suddenly calling the 2 bears seems like not a bad idea.

sheez...it HAS been a day. Unexpected text from xAP...99% sure.. process of illimination leaves not many other alternative..but you know it was his birthday..and it was sent @ 4a.m...and appears to be quite the drunk text on top of that! She wonders if he is even aware of who he sent it to.

She reminds herself of the reasons she walked away. She deleted the text (and immedieately wished she hadn't and was relieved she had simultaneously).

She thinks of a post she read recently on AAS ..or maybe EAS about feeling wobbly. She pictures a fawn wobbling as it tries to get it's footing for the first time..and imagines herself a fawn.

But (gasp) no time for wobbling.Work awaits..the maintenance guy has brought his guitar to practice during lunch, one co-worker will be late for the gazzilionth time this week, a pile of paperwork deadlines for many of the teens awaits, another co-worker is sick and fumbling through the motions. Due to insane poltitics..the staff all wonder..what on earth is going to happen to this Center over the summer. Can we keep the doors open? Can we keep the teens safe? What happens to these 70+ teens if we don't?..and with all the transitioning happening..can RevBreeze keep the place running. The staff-team look to her for directions..they are looking for guidance, they are looking for a creative solution.

Rev. Breeze is not sure--after all--she is still wobbly. She misses out on the lunch-break guitar playing..and reminds herself to apologize for the stand-up after lunch. But during lunch? She treats herself to a smoothie--and allows herself a few tears for her friend..the one who sent the lost drunk text..and then she heads to the Lake.

The Lake is next to the parking lot where they park and store the Center's van. She loads the van with junk for her Odyssey of the MInd teams..and then looks out over the Lake. She thinks of loss and prays for guidance..and healing..for both herself and her friend...and support for her co-workers.

She continues to stare at the Lake, where the previous director of the Center committed suicide. She knows his spirit is still strong at the Center..if nowhere else..in the hearts of the Teens who miss him...and she whispers to the Lake..."Can you help me? What do I need to do? Show me what I need to know?"

She gets back in the van and heads back to work. She thinks again of her morning text and wishes she had not deleted. But what would she say..really? So she says another farewell to him and wishes him well ..in her heart..and resolves not to let ANY boy..ever..interfere with her ability to protect this center...and as she drives she develops a plan.

And she remembers that she must continue to be trustworthy and consistent in her own integrity..for herself as well as her family and co-workers..and she remembers she has the power to help create an atmosphere that is conducive to both the staff and the teens to be themselves..to blossom and grow. And she reminds herself..that she, too...has the right..to blossom and grow.

Okay..so that is kinda where I'm at. I know this was long..but like I've stated before..I'm really NOT a linear thinker..and lately? I am all over the place..but okay and getting stronger. (she says as she crosses her fingers, squints her eyes and says .."i hope, I hope, I hope")

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 3:01pm

And she remembers that she must continue to be trustworthy and consistent in her own integrity..for herself as well as her family and co-workers..and she remembers she has the power to help create an atmosphere that is conducive to both the staff and the teens to be themselves..to blossom and grow. And she reminds herself..that she, too...has the right..to blossom and grow.

I wish I could like this part a billion times.  :)

So, you felt a bit wobbly - and what did you do?  Why you sat down for a little bit, and caught your breath, and waited for it to pass.

And it did.  Maybe not totally.  Maybe not as quickly as you wished it would.  Maybe there is still some lingering trace of the wobblies, maybe you're still feeling a bit off-balance and shaky.  But you didn't fall on your face.  You didn't trip and take out a whole row of people when you went down.  You just let yourself feel the feelings, and when you felt stronger, you stood back up and got on with your business.

I don't have to hope you're getting stronger, RB love.  I know you are.

xoxoxo

Kim