Letting Go

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Letting Go
12
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:54am

Well, as I mentioned last night, I have reached a plateau in my healing process, I am not moving any further forward, I am still thinking too much about xAP and I am not getting over my A the way I feel I should have by now. And as I have mentioned previously, and I'm sorry for being so repetitive, I have realised that the reason why I am at this plateau is that I am allowing myself to stagnate here, I am wallowing, I am punishing myself because I feel guilty about my A. And I already know what I need to do, I need to choose to let go, I am in control of this situation, I have to stop allowing thoughts of xAP to take up so much space in my mind, I need to put more energy into moving forward with my life. I will never forget my A, nor should I, but I have to stop obsessing about it so much.

So, does anyone have any advice on letting go? Is it a conscious decision? Is it something that just happens after a certain amount of time? I read somewhere that it takes 2 years to get over an A, I am 7 months out, is it the case that after enough time has passed and distance created between myself and my A that I will just let go? Is it the case that you never actually get over an A, you just learn to live with it?

Any thoughts ... anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:59am

Soglad~

I was just thinking about you this morning!  Thinking…how did she sit in that car with XAP for two hours with her resolve so intact?  (When he came fishing at your work.)

That’s the impression I have of you.  Can you dig down and find that woman that was so strong in that conversation?  And the woman that changed her name?  J

I also saw your post about not being on the boards much.  Ditto.  I too feel there’s not much feedback.  And it is unfortunate because I have FINALLY ended the A for good and not finding as much support here as I did over a year ago when I was being a pansy and waffling all the time.  Kind of a downer…

I too am wondering when I will let go.  Trying to be patient with myself.  And I think I too am stuck on feeling like I was used and manipulated.  And I was.  But, as you say, I allowed it.  I played that role and that is my biggest struggle.

So, for me, I have to work on letting go of that mistake I made.  Not necessarily letting go of XAP.  He was JAM that played that stupid game with me.  And he will likely play it with someone else.  My real struggle is finding me again, forgiving myself and trying to get over the fact that I chose to play.  My bad.

And we do have a choice in how we treat ourselves.  We have that choice.  Feelings will come up, but we choose what to think about the feeling, we choose what to say and how to act.  We choose.

A friend of mine that is close to the situation and knows all the details of the A told me last night as we shared a bottle of wine and some dinner that I chose to end it.  She said that she thought that my XAP never really thought I would/could do it.  His plans to manipulate me, keep me around, be his thing on the side all back-fired.  He is left empty handed.

So step one.  I can be proud that I made a good choice.  For both XAP and I, because I don’t think HE could’ve ended it.  At least, I know that he clearly did not want to end it.

So, let us remember that we ARE in control of this situation.  I know for me the A wasn’t working FOR ME.  I learned that I have needs that were NOT being met in the A and I chose to quit, chose to leave a situation where I was not being fulfilled.

And I am trying to focus on the things and people in my life that do meet my needs.

I think another reason I struggle though is that I really believed early on that XAP was true, honest, the greatest guy, etc.  Hard to let go of the fantasy, isn’t it?  And it’s at those moments that I have to replay the times when I saw XAP NOT being honest or the greatest guy.  Have to keep those rose colored glasses off!

A’s are a very, very complex thing – a crazy dynamic.  And hard to “understand”.  Maybe we are not to understand it all, but to learn more about ourselves. 

So try to keep the focus on YOU, and your needs and your good choices.  I’ll bet there’s plenty of them!

Hope to hear from you.

~Sunrise

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 9:59am

Hi Soglad!  I think it's normal to get to a plateau of healing, I think we all go through that.  The first few months we make a lot of progress with light bulb moments that propell us forward.  Buth then we reach a point where we don't get those light bulb moments anymore, xAP is always there in our mind, although he/she has less effect on us, are emotions are not always all over the place, etc...  Clarity calls it background music, for me it feels like a buzzing fly in the bedroom when you want to sleep, I  just want to swap it because I'm sick of the buzzing not because i hate flies or want the fly dead.  I don't say this to discourage you, but I'm more than a year out, and hear that flucking annoying buzzing fly more than I feel I should. 

Also, what worked in the beginning, such as distracting ourselves, keeping busy, doesn't work anymore, because those are temporary ways to go about our lives.  What I found most helpful is re-creating new memories, new traditions, new habits around people I love and love me back 100%

Letting go... RBM's favourite advise, which I would sometimes find infuriating and would tell myself but how? but how?  Is there a guide book I can read?  I shouldn't be recommending books I only half read, but Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin goes into details on how and why we get hurt, why we stay stuck, how unhealthy staying stuck is, the pre-requisites to forgiveness (a.k.a. letting go) and then how to forgive (had to return it to the library before I got to that part)

Hugs,

Happy

 

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 10:28am

Hi Sunrise and Happy! Thanks so much for responding to my post, you are both so right and what you are saying is completely true, and knowing that I am not alone, and that there are explanations for my plateau is really comforting. Sunrise, I know when xAP came fishing that he just expected us to carry on where we left off. He had had his fabulous luxury silver wedding anniversary cruise with W, he would have expected me to have missed him, be desperate for him again, and he would have thought that as the cruise was now a thing of the past that I would be over that and would fall into his arms again. He was wrong on all counts, I was over him, I wanted nothing more to do with him, not then, not now, not ever. And you know why I am sympathetic with myself about the game he played with me, it's because I really did have a game played with me, I was used and manipulated. And if a friend or work colleague had spent 2 years messing with my mind I wouldn't be able to brush it under the carpet with a "well I knew what I was getting into and I deserved it" statement to myself, I would still struggle with accepting it. So getting over the fact that I knowingly and willingly allowed myself to be used is proving to be the hardest thing for me to come to terms with.

And Happy, boy oh boy that background noise is deafening at times, and incredibly annoying. And yes I am missing having those reassuring, fog-busting lightbulb moments, I haven't had one for months.

So, the work has to be done by me, nobody else, there's no magic wand, there's no pill I can take, and thank you ladies for reminding me to focus on myself and what's importantSmile

Much love, Soglad x o x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
In reply to: sunrise
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:09am

Soglad!

So right on!  Your XAP did indeed think you’d be “over it” and would resume your “normal activity”.  I saw that in my XAP too.  Each time he’d “drip-feed” me info on something that he knew might upset me or cause me to reconsider and thus stop playing, he’d give me a little space. Then come back!  With professions of his love, blah, blah, blah, thinking we could resume our activities.  Not any more buster!

And I really liked your thought on not tolerating this behavior in a friend or colleague.  Bingo.  No, we didn’t deserve to be treated like that.  But, our part is that we chose to play the role that said that was okay.  And, like I said, that is my biggest struggle. Getting over what I allowed.

Glad to see you smile today!

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:20am
Great responses! We also need to remember too that we used our APs to fill our own needs and voids. Reminding myself of that helps me deal with feeling used. Also my T describes the difficulty with letting go as a deep seated need to still find answers - answers that we may never know and this need is fuelled by having to accept just how we wrecked our own moral code and values and how shocking this is to us. I know this has been the case for me. Take heart - you are progressing extremely well. It's one more stage in the process that needs to be navigated and you will do this. Much love Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 11:45am

Wow you guys, I really need you today and here you are, and not only am I smiling but I am filled with calmness and peace again, where would I be without you?

Yes Sunrise, fishing expedition extraordinaire was indeed another move in xAP's game of chess with me, and I did fall for his charms in that I believed initially that he was seeking me out just to make sure that I was ok, and I felt sorry for him because he seemed so genuinely upset, it's one of my weaknesses, seeing only the good in people and refusing to see the bad. I did wake up though pretty quickly and realised that he had appeared thinking that the dust will have settled, that if he fed me all the old same lines/lies again I would be bending over backwards to resume normal activity.

I absolutely agree that I used him too, I don't deny that at all, I used him to stroke my ego, to tell me how gorgeous I am, to meet my emotional needs. What I have a problem with though is thinking of it as being a 50/50 thing. I see myself as giving way way more than I took, and him taking way way more than he gave, and I see myself as being vulnerable and naive and him as being manipulative and devious. I was being honest with him, he was being dishonest with me. It was not an equal relationship. However, I totally accept that I knew early on what the score was and I chose to continue with it whilst all along betraying my poor husband and children and being an absolute disgrace of a wife and mother. My mistake, my poor choice, and that is what I still feel so terrible about now.

And Yellow, your therapist has hit the nail on the head, with me anyway. There are no answers. I know that. I have accepted that. I have worked out the answers for myself and I know that my answers are correct. What I am not letting go of is punishing myself, obsessing about the whole thing, and feeling like the victim, and being horrified at myself for what I did, and being sickened with myself for risking everything for so little.

It is so reassuring though to hear that it is part of the process, and that I will get through this if I do the work.

Thanks again everyone, it's so lovely to hear your thoughts, much love, Soglad x o x

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 7:49pm

Letting go is a conscious decision.

It is one we make when we are ready.

It is one we make when we decide that holding on is hurting more than it is helping.

It is one we make when we realize that holding on is holding us back.

It is one we make when we love ourselves enough to want to do things that are good for us, not bad for us.

It is one we make when we are ready to forgive ourselves.

And, it is one we make when we start to understand that it is OKAY to forgive ourselves.

:)

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:06pm

Sunrise, my dear -

I just want to say that this is like, one of my favorite posts, ever.  You are such a beautiful person, and I just think you are awesome, and wanted to tell you.

You are making some awesome choices these days, dear one.  And that is a beautiful thing.

xoxoxo

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:14pm

HI HAPPY!

:)

I just need to tell you that while your post was brilliant, as always, I cannot help but have some serious giggle fits over the idea that you only half read a book with "For Good!!" in the title.  I don't know why, but it just hits me as really funny.

I would like to ask you to forgive me for being so amused...but...well, you didn't get to that part, so that wouldn't be fair.

HEE HEE HEE

Love from your sometimes quite immature friend,

Kim

    

Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Wed, 11-14-2012 - 8:19pm

Hi Yellow,

Lovely to see you, as always.  :)

Your T sounds like a smart cookie - and yay to you for finding such a smart therapist to work things through with.

Love,

Kim

    

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